A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:Why can't guys have honest, loving relationships? Are they not man enough to have them? If I care for a guy, why do I have to play coy and hard to get for his attention? Mind-games are disrespectful and hurtful. If he doesn't want the comfort, loyalty and devotion I bring to a relationship then he doesn't deserve me--or am I wrong?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 You don't have to play mind games. In fact , if you find yourself playing coy , or hard to get, or playing any tricks - like a trained dog- to grab and keep his atttention or get a reaction out of him, it's a simple and clear sign you are not meant to be together and that's not the right relationship for you.
Not all men play games, and not all men behave exactly the same with each and every woman. When the relationship needs to be kept alive by a heavy oxygen immission of games- generally it's not worthy of being kept alive.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 August 2011):
 My last marriage ENDED because he liked (and needed) the attention he got from other women... some men are so insecure with themselves that they need that constant ego boost from multiple women...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): I find it amazing that anyone thinks men are the gender that is more prone to this problem.
When it comes to falling for mixed messages & bad treatment instead of romantically responding to honest affection, women are the ones who have perfected the art.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): If every one ends in the same result then sometimes dismissing the part we play is not realized.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (16 August 2011):
 "Mind-games are disrespectful and hurtful."
True, but they are also effective. I avoid them because I'm a romantic at heart, but it would be foolish to deny that they work. The better a guy is at these games, the easier he finds it to get laid. Most guys who are good at it become players for that very reason. The fact that you are so very in love with a guy who is playing these games should be evidence enough.
"Why can't guys have honest, loving relationships? Are they not man enough to have them?"
If this is what you think, you're seeing the wrong guy(s). Unfortunately, some of us stable, loving types are a little less exciting than the players, so you have to be patient and let the stable guy grow on you a bit. But you can't settle a player, they only settle themselves.
No one deserves anything beyond what they are willing to expect from others. If you don't show him that you expect respect, loyalty, and decency, you won't receive it. You show him that by being willing to walk away.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Ahh geeze. Listen, your boyfriend acting like a complete tool has nothing to do with you. Remember the first thing you said about him being "honest and loving"? Your boyfriend may be honest, but he's not loving.
His saying that he likes the attention of women means that he has to have it to validate himself and boost his ego. It wouldn't matter if you were the most perfect keeper. He is neither perfect nor a keeper.
Hang in there -- this guy may have entrenched himself in immaturity, but I absolutely guarantee that for every nimrod wanna-be womanizer like him, there's someone else who WILL appreciate your devotion and love and only need your heart and no one else's.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 You're putting all men in one category here and that's not the way to do it. I've met guys who played the game and lost. I've also got a great boyfriend who's far from any of the generalizations you make here.
You may have been hurt in the past but it will help you in the future if you stop putting all men into one category. There are good men out there.
YouWish has put it all so well. No need for me to say anything more.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (16 August 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question You're all helpful. Guess I should mention we've been together nearly a year. The other day he said he likes the 'attention' he gets from other girls. We've been exclusive since Nov. I love him fiercely & in afraid he's bored of it. Wants something 'new'. Guess I just don't cut it anymore. :'(
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 August 2011):
I hear what you mean, and I understand it. Games of "playing coy and hard to get" to snare a man make for good black and white movies of the 30's, but there are different rules today. However, there is still a gleam of truth behind the concept. Let me re-tool it for today, kinda like the difference between hand-carried letters and email I want to use your words and translate:
1. "Why can't guys have honest, loving, relationships?" They can!! They have to be honest, loving guys and the women have to likewise be honest and loving.
2. You don't have to play coy or hard to get, but in today's language, this means that you shouldn't be clingy. A girl who likes a guy can show him, but the calling 10x per day, texting 188 messages per day, and not giving the relationship breathing room will kill it.
3. Mind games are disrespectful. However, going lightning fast, not taking the time to get to know a guy, and being cautious and going slow is respectful to him...and to yourself. Some guys would say that a woman who doesn't give up sex right away and won't enter an FWB or a casual hookup is playing hard to get. If that's playing hard to get, then go for it!
4. Not playing mind games doesn't mean pulling out the "love" word within 2 weeks and planning a wedding within 4. It's okay and NOT a mind game to play it really slow and get to know him. A house takes time to carefully lay a foundation and build. A relationship -- a TRUE relationship -- requires even more care than a house! There are no shortcuts.
5. That last question is a non starter. It has no answer, because the bitterness behind your question clouds the question. Guys don't like ANGRY bitter woman, no matter how kind they are.
However, I'm not going to be too hard on you, because I'm sure that you were hurt by someone, and are venting, so I apologize if I sound a bit harsh.
Comfort, loyalty, and devotion are all necesarry in a relationship. However, there can be TOO much comfort, if you know what I mean. Comfort must be in complete balance with excitement. Devotion with adventure, and Loyalty with intense love. Any relationship can become complacent, and then even the best of women can be left, so to speak.
I want to make this clear, though. There is no, I repeat NO excuse for cheating. No amount of playing "hard to get" or anything else will ever make up for that.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (16 August 2011):
I am going through the same thing. Gave my boyfriend of 9 months my undying attention and devotion. If he called I answered the phone. If I couldn't I'd text him back. Eventually he pulled away and showed me less attention. I kept calling. Then I gave up and ignored him for days. He started calling. But it wasn't real. We just broke up bc he finally admitted he was pulling away because he wasn't 100% sure he wanted to be with me and I saw that he had given a girl his phone number a d was flirting w her on FB.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (16 August 2011):
You are right.
But most women want to be pursued and most men want to be the pursuer.
But guys do like a hint now and again.
I think the best thing for you to do in order to let him feel like he is doing the pursuing is to be warm, genuine, and touch him a lot. There is no mind game in that. If he is smart, and interested, he will get the picture and act accordingly. Give him a chance to do this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 August 2011):
you are not wrong for you. OR me. to be honest I never play games I'm always just me. the man that wants me wants ME for me and who I am.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): If he doesn't want the comfort, loyalty and devotion I bring to a relationship then he doesn't deserve me--or am I wrong?
Your actions will show if deserves you or not by whether you stay in a bad relationship or leave. I think that if you knew how to walk away from bad relationships you wouldn't be asking this question. There are alot of good men out there and alot of bad ones. You don't have a crystal ball but as soon as you witness mind games and the other yucky things you mention..don't bother and move on.
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