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What is that supposed to mean... his dad decides???

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 July 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2010)
A female Lebanon age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I was only 24 years old when I got married to a guy who saw me at my uncle's wedding. We got to know each other for only five months then got married, it was too fast I know but he was well off and very very kind. we loved each other like crazy.. taking into consideration that arranged marriages take place in the middle east and are very normal most of them succeed as well. anyway, his family were so controlling, because they control the money as well. our house was next to theirs, and he used to work with his father and uncles and well.. You know a family business..

I work with an accountant and i'm good at what i do but his mother wanted me to quit my job by letting my husband pressure me to do so, not spending on me, interfering in my relationship with my mother where she's my everything.. and from the first fight we had, he was travelling next day to dubai and i went to parents' place because in the fight he abused me verbally, cursed me , kicked me out of the house.. he tried several times to call me from dubai based on his mother's request because she knew i was staying at my parents' place. but i did not pick up. He came from dubai and did not see me the was had begun...

his dad and my dad were discussing if we should continue because my husband said to my brother when he tried to contact him in order to resolve things with me ," the decision now is in my dad's hands" WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? HIS DAD DECIDES?!!

four months later i got divorced.. with no word said from him neither an appology nor a blame... i saw him by coincidence a month later after my divorce and we were like strangers walking by, we did not even confront each other...

note: his sisters hate me in addition to his mom

my question is : why didn't he confront me? or even talked to me??? i don't say what if i did something differently. its just that i do deserve an explanation or at least confrontation.

both families hate each other... so it might be a reason, I seriously have no clue.

View related questions: divorce, money, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010):

while in relationship, one thing lead to another and things just spirals to big thing if not controlled at the first palce.

this is what happened to you. i can tell neither their family is bad and nor your hubby and so as you and your family. it is just trust takes time build and demands scarifies to be made, which were not made in your case and that is what happened. since it was short time together, he just moved from you and forgot you.

dear sister,

fight and confrontations happen only when some expectations are there in human beings and relationships. So he completely forgot you so he did not even confront you. he does not expect any thing from you.

Now coming to future..

you need to decide what you want to do. do you really love him in that case you need to adjust to their family business environments. Family businesses are run that way only and it is normal. try to get remarriage with your firm intention to adjust to their family or forget your ex husband and find new one.

But you need to know no Man comes without mother, father and sister so you need to do some adjustments in all marriages.

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (6 July 2010):

Odds agony auntWhile I'm sure you would like to have an explanation, and a chance to tell him he was a scumbag, he doesn't owe you anything. The nature of a relationship (and a reason for the 50% divorce rate) is that either person can unilaterally end the relationship. It's over, all obligations and benefits go out the window.

You said he went to family in Dubai... is he a Muslim? That's a culture that does not believe the men have to explain themselves to women. Additionally, the head of the family decides the course of the family - in this case, his father decided that the marriage to you was bad for the family. While this culture seems backward and patriarchal to American sensibilities, it's their way of doing things, and we have no right to judge. You could have delayed the marriage to find out more, but chose not to because he was nice and well-off.

They probably expected you to quit your job and immediately start making babies, and expected that to go unsaid. A longer engagement would have given you the chance to learn about htis expectation; failing to meet the unsaid requirements angered his family.

In the future, you should try to have an extended engagement, and either learn about the culture ahead of time or date within your own culture.

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