A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I've been seeing my bf for about 15 months and things have been mostly good. We have a very loving, affectionate relationship where we share most things and get on well. Except he has this female best friend that he's close to and the thing is I know her too- albeit not well, I actually met him through her, although me and her don't speak a lot. This may sound weird but she broke up with her bf recently- and I asked him why. At first he kept saying she asked him not to say anything to anyone about it, and wouldn't tell me why- I kept nagging me and he told me some surface level stuff. Thing is- he said there were other reasons but they were "personal"I mean am I overreacting for being upset by this? The way I see it is that couples tell each other everything and trust each other- "personal" is the word you would use talking to your Doctor's receptionist- not in a relationship where we're talking about spending our lives together!I said maybe I could add some insight, have a discussion about it. I just feel why use that word? What is so "personal" he can't tell his girlfriendThank you for reading
View related questions:
best friend, broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2017): Look at it from the other direction- you have secrets about your friends, who he might know, that you don't tell him. I bet you have one or two secrets with men. Which is ok, right?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 Just because she is technically your friend does not mean he has to tell you about this hard time she is going through. Look if she asked him not to say anything then he is being a good friend. Don't turn this in to something it is not, I don't even know why you care, it is not his secret to tell therefore he is doing nothing wrong. Its great to see he is a good friend. You both don't need to share everything and if you keep pushing him this relationship might not work at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 It's quite black and white in my eyes :).
That was not your bf's secrete. That was another person's secret, that he had promised not to reveal. Reason for which, he should not tell anything to a third party, no matter who she is, wife, fiancee', etc.- unless he gets permission from the person who confided in him.
Your bf is free, if so he wants, to share with you 100% of any information concerning HIMSELF. But this girl told him something in private, and specifically asked him to keep it private- as a matter of fact, I think your bf already did something really wrong in yielding to your nagging and sharing part of what he had been told, albeit at a superficial level.
( Why were you nagging,anyway ? You do not have the God-given RIGHT to know why X left Y ! If X wants you to know it, she'll let you know herself . When she is good and ready ).
Now , said all that, I 've got the feeling that maybe what you don't like is that your Bf is a bit too chummy for your comfort with this other girl. And if she feels fine in sharing secrets about her love life with him , they are closer than you deem appropriate and / or that you can handle.
But that's all another story. I have no idea if you are a jealous, possessive type; or if the other girl is a flirt , who shares her secrets as a way for hitting on your bf. It may be all perfectly friendly and innocent, or there may be a hint of emotional affair. Not enough details even to guess.
But, if we have to simply answer the question ; " has your bf got the right to blabber away to you what has been said to him in confidence, just because you have been dating a few months ? " my opinion is : certainly not !
...............................
A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 Would you feel this way if your boyfriend's best friend was a man? Judging by the key-points you have highlighted you may only want to know this personal secret for the wrong reasons. It seems you're suspicious that this girl is planting moves on your boyfriend now that she is single. I can understand wanting to protect your territory but she is your boyfriend's friend and within friendship, talking about problems and displaying confidentiality are important.
He's in the right for not telling you. It shows the characteristics of your boyfriend. He won't tell you his friend's secret and he wont tell anybody yours....for the most part. I'm sure you would never want him to do that to you. You need to trust him. Plus it seems they were friends before you and him got together. Friendship is important, don't let your boyfriend have to choose between his morals and your curiosity. Respect that.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 This is not a black and white issue. I know of couples who share everything, and when you tell the one party you can't expect it to stay between the two of you, because they always tell the other everything. Most such couples give you a heads up that this is the policy of their relationship, that everything is shared and that this is how they prefer it. It's cute, I like that idea, and if it works for them then fine.
But not all couples are like that, because not all people are like that. And while I think it's cute for couples to share it all and be 100% open both ways and never hold anything private from one another and have each others facebook passwords, or even better, have the same facebook page, I have to admit Im just not that kind of person.
Im like your boyfriend. I believe not all things are good to be shared in a relationship, and that it is healthy to develop personal relationships one-on-one. Such relationships can not develop if you are always sharing everything with someone else. It becomes the difference of knowing a couple (two people morphed) and knowing a person (an individual). This girl doesn't know you as a couple. You barely speak. You don't frequently have her over to dinner. She's not both of yours friend. She's not a friend of you as a couple. She is a friend of him. So any information she shares with him, she expects to stay with him. Which is a fair expectation. When you tell someone something in confidence, you don't want it talked about behind your back.
If you're so keen to offer light on the situation, and want to know details of her breakup, then what you should do is ask her about it. And if you're NOT close enough with her to ask her this type of information, then you're not supposed to know this type of information.
The couples I know who share everything, they also tend to meet a friend together as a couple. That way the friend is a friend of the couple, not just one of the individuals in the couple. I am friends with two such couples, and I feel equally comfortable speaking to one party in the couple, as the other. It doesn't matter which one I speak to, because I know they share everything, so it's like talking to the both of them at the same time. But I do have friends who are in relationships, which is different. Where I don't know the other person, and I am not close with them. If information I shared in confidence was to be talked about behind my back in such a situation, I would feel betrayed. The friendship would be dead.
So you, you need to learn to tell the difference between friends of a couple, and individual friends. When it comes to friends of the couple, sharing will feel natural. When it comes to personal friends, individual friends, sharing is not okay. Because it only becomes talking behind someones back and a breaking of the trust.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): I am the OP. Can I ask some of you to address what the anonymous poster said? It's exactly how I feel- I was originally being nosy but it's become a lot more- I feel it's a bigger sign that because they have secrets together- he's keeping that/those secrets from me- couples share finances, mortgages they put their life trust into each other, and he can't share something that's a bit sensitive?
If it was the other way round I would discuss it with him, get his input, strengthen a bond and trust because i wouldn't see confiding in your partner a bad thing
I don't think confiding in your SO is gossiping :/
Thanks anyway
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2017):
 If you think about it, OP
WHY do you really feel you NEED to know? Is it because it's a female friend of your BF's? Or because you feel left out?
Could be she is actually embarrassed and thus chose to ONLY share it with your BF - her close friend. Yes, you know her but you aren't close friends (or she would have talked to you, not him).
Personally? I think it shows a GOOD side of him because he believes in keeping a promise and not talking about someone drama/grief/problems if he has been asked not to. Which (hopefully) means if YOU two have issues he won't go around and share it with others. I think he is being a good friend. And I would avoid making this girl a "subject" to discuss. There have to be other things MUCH better, more interesting, more fun to talk about between you two, right?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): So, if a friend of yours confided in you about something that is personal and private to her and asked you not to say anything to anyone and your boyfriend asked you what she had told you, would you tell him what she'd said? I hope not.
I don't think you are being nosy. I think you're jealous about the fact that he and her are close and you are being excluded.
If your boyfriend's friend was a man I don't think you'd give two hoots about what they had been talking about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): He was told in confidence. She made him promise not to tell anyone. You hardly know her that well or talk to her, by your own admission. So your only reason for wanting to know is being nosy. What's it to you anyway?
You're making it a big deal; because you want the "gossip."
The proper response is...none-ya! Don't try to make this a relationship issue, because it's not.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): I do not think his behaviour is okay. Mostly I do not think it is appropriate to be THAT close to a female when you are in a long term relationship. I'm sorry but you can and should only be best friends with your partner IMO. I mean, at least 95% of attraction is based on compatibility (not looks, unless you are a really superficial person) so if you are straight with a REALLY CLOSE straight friend of the opposite sex...why not just get together with her? It doesn't make sense.
Now, I'm not saying you can't have work colleagues you are chummy with of the opposite sex, but what we are dealing with here is A REALLY REALLY CLOSE RELATIONSHIP. Sorry but a friendship THAT deep and involved is called an emotional affair.
The fact that they are sharing confidential "secrets" with each other rings major alarm bells.
The defense that some people have for having physical affairs is "it was JUST physical, there is no emotional attachment there". Why do people say it was JUST physical? Because they know half of a relationship is EMOTIONAL closeness. What your guy has is the emotional affair but not physical (yet). THat doesn't make it any better than physically cheating.
What I am getting at is he in no way should be that close with her.
ANd yes, I also agree with you that there shouldn't be secrets between long term partners. When you marry, you are ONE person under the law and one person in most religious beliefs...hence you tell EACH OTHER your secrets. You are not yet married but moving toward that, so yes neither of you should keep things from each other, ESPECIALLY when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. That is just dishonest to build a bond with a girl and find ways of keeping you OUT of that bond by sharing secrets with someone who is not your partner.
Honestly if I were you I would drop him and find someone who does not consider a female their best bud. Because it seems like his emotional needs are taken care of elsewhere, it doesn't give YOU much room to fill or space to grow.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): Also I feel like why wouldn't he tell me because she "technically" is my friend. In the sense that we do go out together and he met me through her!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): Ok I see your point- I just see it as her business= his business- why is his business not my business? Almost like he can't trust me. We have all been out quite a few times
Thanks though, I appreciate the insight
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 November 2017):
She isn't YOUR friend and you are being nosy.
You say you don't speak much with her so why is the reason SHE broke up any of your business? It's not.
SHE has every right to tell her friend (your BF) that she doesn't want HIM to gossip about her break up/ And HE is being a good friend by sticking to his promise.
If this girl needs your insight, I'm sure she will ASK you for it. However... I don't think she needs it. She needed a friend to talk to and that was your BF.
HE is not being a "bad BF" for not telling you the juicy details, he is being a GOOD friend.
Stop prodding, it really is NONE of your business.
...............................
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (6 November 2017):
He is keeping her confidence- he is being a good friend. If she wanted you to know she'd have told you. It's really none of your business and no couples don't tell each other everything, especially things told to them in confidence.
...............................
|
