A
male
age
51-59,
*nthony E
writes:What is love? Do you have to first experience it to know how to recognise it, to understand how it feels? It seems to me as if most couples just go through the motions, they don't actually have love nor really understand it. They get together, maybe get married and have kids even, without really ever asking themselves if they actually are in love. My interpretation of love is something which might feel completely different to my previous relationships. I think it would feel as if my decisions relating to her would almost make themselves, and that life without her (despite all her faults) would seem unthinkable. I imagine that I'd see the two of us together forever and not put a mental timescale on things. I imagine that she would be the centre of my world and that I would feel genuine devotion for her. That's how I see love. As an all encompassing feeling which makes you feel complete with this person, and happy and truly grateful to be with them. And kind of like they're a one-off, irreplaceable, unique. As opposed to seeing them as a short term partner - someone to move on from when you're bored. I guess their happiness would be feel like the most important thing to me as well. Maybe marrying for love is not merely something you do for yourself, but for the other person. Because all you want to do is make them happy. I have had around ten serious relationships in my life, and at 45 years of age I guess that's not that many. But in every case I never felt any of the emotions and feelings I've just described, even with the 'best of the best' girl. She was almost my perfect physical match, a truly beautiful face and inner soul, intelligent, fun and a truly great companion. But even with her we both ended up bored with each other, the fizz and the romance long gone. I don't think we even thought about each other that much towards the end. Our evenings would be spent preparing and eating a meal, then just vegging out separately on Facebook, then finally heading to bed late, tired and bored. We rarely had sex. And then the inevitable, the split - who's gonna blink first? Is this the way of most relationships? I guess it must be. Love must be quite a rare bird I guess. And I'd like to imagine that when or if you're lucky enough to find it, it must be the most life changing thing ever. At least that's how I see love. Any thoughts from anyone else?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): No, it does... You're creating a narrative where a narrative does not exist. Justifying things.How do you know that things did not break down due (at least in part) to your seeming hesitation to move in together?If she did not know you hesitated and you did move in, things might have gone on and you might now be convincing yourself that she's the best gal in the world, that you were scared of the next step, hesitant as anyone is before such a big step, but that finally,after a while you changed your mind because that was the right girl?Totally plausible too,no? I think men are the best at deluding themselves. I've seen it time and time again.That something HAS to be logical for you or otherwise it wouldn't have happened.Well,guess what, out of all the things you've said (romance, once in a lifetime etc), one thing stands out and you don't seem to get it- love is NOT logical.It is pure emotion.However, everyone falls "in love" differently as well. I think you're being very romantic (overly romantic for my taste) and hoping for "and in that moment I met her and everything changed".So you're "love at first sight" type of guy. Fair enough.I'm more of a "it builds up over the years" type of gal. As in,I might have been very attracted to someone when I first met them, sure, but "love" for me only comes from deep knowledge of the other and that comes with time.See,it will always be hard to define and put in words.I truly believe that you need to get over some of your romantic notions though. Nothing bad in them and I think we all hope at least a tiny bit for that magical moment.However if you keep indulging this fantasy and a girl who reads you right comes along, then she can easily use it to her advantage. I hope that does not happen.
A
male
reader, Anthony E +, writes (7 July 2015):
Anthony E is verified as being by the original poster of the question I don't agree that love can be manufactured by simply selecting someone you like and 'working on things' until you're 'in love' so to speak. I think love is a very rare and totally inescapable feeling which can happen between two people. A relationship is just a relationship, we all have them, people come and go, and ultimately they fail. True love is something different, and people concerned are 'in love', devoted to each other and would move mountains to be together, no matter what the cost. In my last relationship I found myself hesitant to sell my own house and move in with her. I found myself wondering why I didn't want to do that. In the end we broke up, and that's when I realised why - it was simply because we didn't love each other. It's amazing the role which gut instinct plays, it never lets us down!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 July 2015):
 I think love is a free flowing energy. If you have love in you, then you project your love onto your spouse. She becomes your object of affection where you direct your energy. If you have boredom in your heart, then you bring boredom wherever you go, to your work, to your desktop, and to your bedroom. If love is so elusive that it falls from the sky on a selected date in your life, like a lottery, then I think people would be pretty happy with what they got at home and stop fantasizing about what could have been. I think everybody has something lovable about them.
Maybe you had your standard too high because your parents had the perfect marriage?
I know if I don't love someone, it wouldn't have lasted 4 years. I do agree that if there's no love felt, it can't continue. It depends on where you live. I found that in Ireland people are romantic and they stick together no matter what. That's why the divorce rate is one of the lowest.
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A
male
reader, Anthony E +, writes (6 July 2015):
Anthony E is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who replied, I feel very honoured to have such thoughtful and considered answers. For me I feel that there has to be a clear and obvious distinction between an average run of the mill relationship and true love. Make no mistake, I do understand about maintaining a relationship or marriage, making an effort etc. But you can't simply find someone who kind of ticks most of your boxes and then turn it into love. Love visits us in its own time, and only if we're very very lucky. Try saying 'I love you' to someone you don't actually love - it's almost impossible! Letting go of someone is to say that you don't love them. Wanting to hold them forever and knowing that they mean more to you than anything else in your life is to love someone. Love is pure devotion. Love is putting their needs and happiness before tour own. Love is the shining light which makes that one special person so different from all of the others. That's how I see love, for all I have never known it.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (6 July 2015):
"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 July 2015):
 Love is something that really cant be described or defined in words....it's, what the French call, je ne sais quoi. Its a feeling, a very strong emotion of bonding, togetherness, intimacy, complete surrender of emotions, ego and of the self.
As Pablo Neruda once said,
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this,
in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."
This, for me, epitomizes love.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 July 2015):
True love is when you know that there are days that you just go through the motions, but that does not diminish the love you have with your spouse. Like the phrase, after the enlightenment, the laundry. A human relationship is not supposed to take you to heaven. It only lets you see glimpse of it, here and there.
You rarely had sex with your ex? Was that you or her problem? I don't think for most relationships sex sizzle out after 4 years. That's horrible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 July 2015):
 I think we ALL have our own idea of love, so I can't tell you that yours is wrong and mine is right. I do think you over simplify it.
I don't, for instance, think love is all you need. You can be in a relationship and think LOVE will fix everything or LOVE will make it exciting and new ever x amount of months/years.
Love AND relationships TAKES work. You can't take EITHER for granted or you WILL end up bored.
A relationship doesn't work like magic. It's like a car. It might be brand new at first, you have to work out the kinks, and MAINTAIN the car. Take it out, wash, wax, etc. It needs check ups on a regular basis. If you KEEP it in good condition, it will run for ages and ages. BUT YOU have to put in some work too or you end up with a 3 wheeled rust bucket that isn't going anywhere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2015): Still looking for a definition.
I think each one of us makes their own.
Because it means a different thing to every single one of us.
As you already have. You have your definition.
You just can't find anything/anyone that lives up to it. I'm sorry to say but your definition sounds over-romanticised and as such-childish and naive.
We girls are often told that there is no prince,riding on a horse,coming to save us. I think you NEED to hear that there is NO princess who is languishing in a tower, waiting for you to save her.
Simple maths (45-20 (a time for the start of serious-ish relationshis)= 25:10= 2.5 years per relationship on average. Not THAT long and I'm sure there is a variation in the length of each relationship, but it sounds to me you are in it for the HONEYmoon period).
The honeymoon period always wears off. As you have discovered.
YOu are chasing the wrong thing. Eternal happiness is NOT a gift that comes upon us, we fight for or we "win". Happiness is something to WORK for and work AT.
It does not "jut happen".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2015): I thought 10 serious relationships is a lot when I read! But I've only had four relationships myself, one of which was long distance, lasting only a few months a few years ago, one in my mid twenties only lasting a few months, my first at 19 then more recently until last year another one only lasting two and half years, and this last one was love. I believe the unique kind that I won't find again, or of I do it will be different. I would have moved heaven and earth for this person, I wanted to marry this person, would have not been plain sailing, would take compromise but I believe it would have been worth it. I wanted nothing more then for him to be happy. Loving someone, is putting their needs before yours, its a kind of sacrifice but the rewards are great! Love takes work, communication, dedication, loyalty, trust I could go on! Love is a doing word it is a verb, not some vague fuzzy warm feeling. Whilst you might get the butterflies to start with love lasts or should last, unless either one or the breaks the trust, as unfortunately in my case he broke the trust. But I do long to love and be loved again and am sure one day that will happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2015): Sounds like you and your partners loved selfishly not selflessly. Love is more than just an emotion, it's time, dedication, faithfulness, loyalty, willingness to work on a relationship, even when it feels as if it's slipping through the cracks. Putting in effort and making it work even when it's not easy. Dedicating your entire self even when you may not get quality time together as often as you'd like, or sex, or whatever. Love isn't just waiting to feel something, it's building together.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 July 2015):
 I see it as two souls merging into one in thought words and actions. After 50 years we can tell what the other is thinking most of the time.
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