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What is he trying to say? Says he has to ''stay away'' from me. He called me ''the devil''. Asked me if I still love him.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, Flirting, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 August 2016) 22 Answers - (Newest, 30 August 2016)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

my ex stopped by to see me before i left for a 6 month business trip, he's been very distant from me for the past month and a half. he gives me a hug and holds me tight, he asked me if i missed him and i said no, then we started kissing and he told me that he cant be around me and that i am the devil.

We ended up hooking up and in the middle of it, he told me that he missed me and asked me if i loved him.

Again i told him no and then he said well you used to love me. when it was over he kissed me again and said "its just something...." then when he was on his way out the door, he said "i love you.... as a friend" wtf... clarity please, I'm so confused, please help.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (30 August 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntOff course he is going to try and come across as being the perfect husband. You should be glad that you are not the wife, imagine having to deal with the fact you are married to someone who is cheating on you. I do feel for his wife, she is obviously not strong enough to leave him. Which just means he will continue to sleep with others behind her back. Sweetie he is not a good man, if he was he never would have cheated. You must see that. It is not good behavior. I get that people sometimes fall out of love, but if he did not want to be with his wife he should have ended it and then pursued with you. But he does not want a relationship with you, just some fun. Off course he will come across as a good man. He will try and win you and his wife over so he has the best of both worlds. You are doing good so far keeping away from him, keep up the good work. Don't let him suck you back in.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 August 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOh yes I can totally see how he tries to make himself look like the wronged party.

He is a LIAR and a CHEAT... and he lies to YOU and his wife... the only person who really knows what's going on is him and he thinks he's above the rules.

It is SO HARD to walk away I KNOW. TRUST ME I KNOW. this hurts you so badly. IF only he was single, if only he would leave his wife for you, if only he wasn't a liar and a cheater... IF ONLY....

well dear my goal is to in the long run make you healthy and well emotionally. SADLY in the short term this is going to hurt so much. You will lay in bed and cry. You will pound the pillows... eat ice cream right out of the carton...watch old sad movies.... and that's OK and that's good... for about 6 weeks once you go NO CONTACT...

after 6 weeks of no contact and mourning him, you need to get on with life.

but you need to cut him out of your life totally for you. YOU can't heal a scab if you keep picking at it.

My aunt was widowed at a young age (her 40s I believe) and has a 25 year romance with a married man. HE NEVER left his wife... she never moved on...when HE died his wife was the one who received all the comfort and life insurance, my aunt was left alone to mourn her lover with no one to comfort her or even acknowledge that she was his little bit on the side. It was so sad she was so alone...that is what will happen if you enable this man to "send mixed signals" but he's NOT sending mixed signals. THE ONLY PERSON HE LOVES is HIMSELF...

the only person he cares about is himself...

and think about this... would you ever trust him if he left his wife for you...every time he was late coming home or he was distant you would be checking the phones and the emails and maybe having someone follow him because YOU KNOW what he is capable of.

STAY STRONG!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (30 August 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt He's good ... he's bad... who cares. This is a naive, and pointless, way to consider things.

Most probably he is like every one of us, part good and part bad. A man can be a horrible husband, but a devoted son. Or a bad , uninvolved father, but an excellent worker who is the backbone of his company.

This guy will have his good points, I doubt he is a total monster. He is bad with you , and that's the part that should concern you. Besides, good or bad, he is a married man, with the intent to stay married- so analyzing his personality won't help and won't be necessary , when the rule is so simple :

stay away from married men- period.

Because it is morally wrong,.....but also because , as you can see, 99% of times is the unmarried partner who gets a big ,bad emotional bruising.

Anyway, if I have to submit a guess , I agree with your friends- yes, it's all intentional. You can get

" caught up " once or twice, in the heat of the moment, overwhelmed by powerful impulses .... but when it becomes an habit, and when one engineers on purpose the occasions for being

" overwhelmed " ? ... Awww please.

At the end of the day, though, I don't quite see what difference it makes for you in practice.

He is STILL a married guy who will stay married. If he is a good married guy who had a moment of weakness, or if he is a bad married guy who gets a special extra kick from sex when it is forbidden sex- for you it always ends the same way : you are getting a big bad bruising !

Learn to take better care of your life, of your emotional wellbeing. And for doing that, again..., you have to focus on YOUR own actions and motivations- not on his.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@So_Very_Confused

thats what everyone says but he always paints himself as innocent and he doesn't mean to do what he does. i wish you can see how he acts, it so conflicting.

my friends said that his last move before i left was calculated with the intention of sucking me back in so that think about him while I'm gone and remain attached to him...

if that is the truth, thats crazy especially given the circumstance that he is married and isn't planning on leaving.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@aunt honesty @cindycares

Thank you all for the support! It is really tough and i try to keep reminding myself that this is the best thing for me. If i had to be honest, most of the time i feel like i made a mistake and that my life somehow feels worse without him. watching him being attentive to his wife and appearing to be a good man messes withy head all the time and makes me question whether he is really that bad. I don't contact him at all and this distance that i now have will give me the space to grow apart from him although I'm almost certain he is monitoring and checking on me through other people. I also know that he will contact me again especially when he sees me. I speak to my female friends about it and they all said that he has done this before and will do it again and to be thankful that i am not the wife. She knows about his infidelity and is still with him which baffles me. he has no consequences and therefore has it good as far as she is concerned.

I see so many articles on the internet about how married men that cheat still love their wives and realize that they made a mistake and as a result, the marriage becomes stronger. its almost as if they are saying that a man who cheats on his wife is still a good man that just made a mistake. Any thoughts? I'm just trying to make sense of my feelings here. Doe think he got caught up or his cheating is deliberate, how can we tell the difference?

I have been doing very well for the past few weeks and hopefully with time and all of your support, things will get better, and i can see him for who he really is which is what am having a hard time with...

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (29 August 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntWhy does he do it? Because he knows he can get away with it, he probably enjoys the thrill off sneaking around and having sex with you. I am glad that you ended it, it was the smart thing to do. Yes it will take you some time but you will get over him. Delete him from your phone, make sure he cannot get in contact with you and ask him to leave you alone, he does not want to be your friend, he is just messing with your head. Sweetie he could be sleeping with countless girls behind his wife's back because he is a cheat. Remove him completely from your life, and work on getting yourself better.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (29 August 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt At the end of the day, you cannot control other people's behaviour, only yours .

" He should not leave a door open for you to contact him, or invite contacts ?"- He should not , but he does. You are not his confessor or spiritual guide to change him and teach him how to live a clean , honest life; so never mind what he should not do, and do mind what you should not do : like, you should not avail yourself of the opportunity when he leaves his door open for you to contact him, and you should not say " yes " when he invites contact.

Why does he do that ? Really ?... because he wants to get laid, and it's so easy and convenient, it's not that he finds a lot of resistence . He blows hot and cold, and he gets the sex he wants; he ignores you and goes " out of sight out of mind ", and he still gets the sex he he wants ; he acts all distant for 6 months, and the momenet he shows up... and so on and so forth.

Apparently he is not concerned about hurting his wife or hurting you, so barring that , which is a non- issue for him, why should he stop doing what he is doing ? It works for him; it gives him results !

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (29 August 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntHoney he's thinking with his little head... that's all.

Why he does what he does is because he's a lying cheating SOB.

And sometimes candy is sweeter when it's stolen...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I just revealed the true basis as to why we broke up and really have anxiety about the responses i will receive from here on out.

He pursued me in the beginning but i didn't know that he was because in our line of work, it is encouraged to grow close to the people you work with, needless to say, i didn't know he had an attraction as i did not find him attractive when i first met him. didn't even cross my mind. but then everything changed and i started to see him in a new light, he was so sweet, attentive, easy to talk to and thats when i fell for him.

we all know he isn't going to leave his wife and knowing that I'm having a hard time understanding why he does what he does. its like when I'm around he blows hot and cold as though he is confused and conflicted but when I'm not around its almost like out of sight out of mind with an occasional check in. he should be focused on his marriage and not leaving a door open for me to contact him or inviting me to do so.

he still continued to sneak around to see methane she sound out, i just dont get it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have to be honest to get help to move forward. I broke up with him because he is married! i didn't want to be the mistress and never intended on being one, i let my emotions get involved and fell for him an then it became an uphill battle trying to leave him because he would always come back. i love him but i also know that he isn't any good and i need to break away from him. i just need help seeing how no good of a man he is because my mind always tries to justify it. Now that we ave been apart from some time, he reached out to tell me that if i needed anything from him to not hesitate and ask. then after a little social media stalking, i see him paying all this attention to his wife and commenting on all of her stuff. yes i look from time to time as i think that seeing things like that will numb me after a while.

when the affair got to deep he would always say lets be friends but i couldn't do it so i told him know. Eventually, my feelings started to die down when i started to date again and i took him up on his offer and offered to be friends and thats when he did a 180. he got rude, stopped calling and then cut me off for over a month. he eventually came back again and i just dont get it. why offer friendship if thats not what he wanted? why did he do a 180? what does he want from me? he blocked me from social media and my guess is so that i dont see what he posts about his wife. as you can see I'm a big ball of confusion....

i know that it was wrong to get involved but i got out and it was very hard to do, but it seems like he doesn't want me to move on and i dont get it. if he loves his wife then why is he still trying to be involved with me.

he got caught and still pursued me after she found out, even harder than before

he would come over and tell me that he loves his wife and his life but then end up sleeping with me.

i would ask him if he loved her then why is he at my house and he would always say that he didn't know and there is something about "us"

help please.

i just want to understand, i dont need the judgment as i already know i was wrong, i just want perspective as to what i am not seeing about this man.

he is now working on his marriage even though he came over before we left, doesn't this make him a good man that just got caught up. this is how my mind is working

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (18 August 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntNo he was not trying to tell you he loved you any more. He wanted to make sure that you did not still have feelings for him so that he could have guilt free sex and that is what he did. If you want a FWB then you have it. If you want more then find someone else as you broke up with him for a reason.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (18 August 2016):

YouWish agony auntIf he is your ex, then why do YOU care whether or not he's "distant"? If you broke up with him, why are you even in contact with him in the first place???

So he comes over to your house, hugs you, kisses you, and you two have sex. Why did you break up with him only to stay in contact and have sex?? A month is long enough to delete his contact information and stop talking to him.

It's "fresh" because you are still in contact with him. As long as you keep screwing around, you'll never move on. If you were wrong to break up with him, then get back together with him. Otherwise, if he is still using you for sex and calling you "friend", then drop the guy.

You're playing games. Breakup means BREAK UP. Break up means END. It means NEVER TOUCHING HIM AGAIN.

It doesn't mean pretending to break up while obsessing over him and sleeping with him.

Why did you break up with him in the first place?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (18 August 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntif you didn't expect these responses...what were you HOPING for...that he was going to beg for you to take him back?

you broke up with him but you still love him so why did you break up with him?

no one is saying he NEVER cared for you just that you are not a couple now.... you have become FWB... and I did that with an ex once... and it worked well...we settled into a pattern where i would visit him once a week on Thursday nights...and spend the night...that lasted until one of us (me) end it on good terms.

Being FWB with an ex is easy..it's comfortable you know the sex dance you two do together and its relaxed but the lines can get blurred... and one party almost always is hurt in some way....

It is very confusing in a case like this... in some cases w say Listen to what he says... that applies when man says "I don't love you" or "I love you as a friend" and woman is trying to figure out if a guy loves her or is using her.

but in many cases we say "listen to what he does"

but what we mean by what he does is HOW he treats you... does he take you out

does he contact you regularly

does he treat you with respect

does he introduce you to his friends/family

is he proud to be seen with you

and is complicated with the confusing issues of him NOT saying how he feels. I had this case with my current husband he never said "I love you" and he told me he didn't say it...so I learned to listen to how he treated me and what he did. he even would say "thank you" when I would say it.

and for a while we had code "damn you to hell" for "I love you" it was our code... now he says it....

or does he show up at your door with takeaway and want a roll in the hay once in a while.

tell me what you wanted us to say so we can help you work through your feelings....

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (18 August 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt No no. Unluckily, his behaviour is telling you the opposite- it's screaming " Hey don't get any ideas ". The physical attraction obviously is still there ( it figures ; your looks won't have drastically changed in one month , it is not strange that he still finds you physically attractive ) but he said, and acted and showed, that although he finds you sexually irresistible ( actually, I would take this with a pinch of salt- he may very well have said what you wanted to hear it to get down to business faster ) but for the rest, he is fine with being broken up and with being " just friends " -friends with benefits,perhaps.

I find curious you say that " of course I did it with him as he is the one I still feel physically comfortable ": It's the least " of course " thing I can think of, the least logical.

You are broken up; do you know what it means ? That it's over ,he is an ex, and you chose to make him EXit from your life, including the sexual one. Reason for which, when you feel horny you are supposed to self pleasure, or to start dating other guys. Unless of course ( and here the " of course " is warranted ) you want to get entangled ,like now, in situations were you get bamboozled, used and confused.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2016):

You broke up with him. Why?

If you want FWB you got it it seems

If you get so horny you can't control yourself then you have something to work on during the 6 mo work trip. Just try not to get so out of control your boss notices.

La la land ....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

wow! i didn't expect to hear these responses. yes he is my ex but the break u is still fresh. we have only been broken up a month and i was the one to break up with him. yes i was extremely horny so of course i did it with him as he is the one i still feel sexually comfortable with. he said these things during and after the sex but the responses i am getting is like he never cared about me at all and i just gave him some so easily. i still love him (even though would never admit that to him) and i thought that maybe he was trying to tell me he still loves me by his behavior... but, you all seem' to think very differently.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 August 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntHe told you what you wanted to hear so that he could have sex with you, simple as, then clarified he only wanted to be friends. You allowed him just to re-enter your life and you offered him sex on a plate so easily. Therefore he now feels he can have you when he pleases, friends with benefits almost.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2016):

What's confusing about this ? He played you . He's an EX ffs, ex's don't get in the front door. Remember the lesson .

And before you leave for that deployment change your locks and passwords , get mail sent to you. Appoint a power of attorney so if the SOB tries anything tricky while your gone your legal ass is covered

Clarity is only for those with open ears and open eyes--if your in la la land nobody can help

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 August 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHe's a user. Don't fall for his patter. Next time mean it when you say NO and walk away.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 August 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI have to agree with SVC and Denizen,

What is so hard to understand? He used the word love, to get into your panties.

Saying he can't be around you was to be you feel like you are SO desirable he can't control himself.. as in, not his fault you two end up in bed.

He wanted sex before you left, and he got it. THAT is it.

But then again, I presume THAT is what you wanted too since you slept with him.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (17 August 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntWhat are you confused about?

you let a man you no longer date or love in your house and succumbed to sexual pleasure with him.

after the blood went back to his brain he realized he just wanted to get laid but he wanted to keep the door open in case you did to later on. hence the "i love you as a friend"

he does not want you back together and he does not love you or want a relationship outside of the bedroom.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (17 August 2016):

Denizen agony auntOh please! What kind of mess have you got yourself into?

It doesn't sound like you are thinking clearly. Did you both just need to get your rocks off? Where is your self respect?

He loves you as a fck buddy, and you need to take stock of your personal life.

You might meet someone one day who you really care about and who you wouldn't want to hurt by this past behaviour. You got nothing from meeting your ex', but he got a big smile on his face because he could just walk in and do you.

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