A
female
age
26-29,
*ewgia667
writes:Hi everyone, some of u may remember me from my past questions.. Ill give a little background info. Around october i was really active on this site, I'm 19 years old (now 20) and i was in a really toxic relationship with a 35 year old man.. It was hard to get out of that but I managed to.. And my ex and I are actually better off as friends then in a relationship. Our relationship now is more truthful and meaningful as friends.. However i have encountered some new problems.It was hard getting over my ex.. While i was getting over him and it was really fresh i met this guy lets just name him Julian, and i really liked him but i wasn't over my ex.. So i took like about 2-3 months to get over my ex.One night i saw julian at the bar and we totally clicked again, and i was so excited to try something new. We went on our first date and i was so intrigued by him, he portrayed himself to be this extremely amazing awesome person that seemed to have all the qualities my ex lacked and that i searched for… As the relationship continued he was really good for the first little bit, really made me a priority… Then i realized he kind of really likes cocaine.. a lot. (he's 25 btw) (I'm 20). Ill be honest i am not a cocaine user, I've never tried cocaine or snorted anything in my life ever.. I have family members who have gotten really addicted to drugs n i know i have addiction that runs in my family.. I do smoke weed, a lot, thats the only drug i do. I have many friends who do cocaine and they still function and go to work and operate normal lives so i thought if its something he can control than fine. Kinda over time i saw that he really likes drugs and there would be times where it would be 4 am and wed be drunk and he'd like make me message a million people so he can get coke.. That was a sign. I also noticed that he loves getting like excuse my language "fucked up" and he goes to the same bar and when he's at the bar he's different.. Ive run into him a couple times at the bar and he's been so different and mean.. Lately he has not made me a priority and I've done a lot for this guy… Really put myself out there. I'm caring and i like to do sweet gestures like bake cookies and put easter baskets together and do cute little things.. Because he does have worth issues and stuff…About a week ago he didn't message me all day and went to a rave with a bunch of girls. he was supposed to take me on a date which he had promised for weeks.. I was disappointed he chose his friends over me yet again but i forgave him.. The worst thing seemed to have happened yesterday..You see the ironic thing with men is they try but it always seems to be too late.. I was already a little sad with him because of him choosing his friends yet again and he messaged me yesterday asking if i wanted to get dinner.. I felt like he was about 2 days late cuz the past few nights he was out getting trashed again.. I don't care he wants to hand with his friends but when it comes to the point of wanting to get trashed so often its weird.. Like 4-5 times a week.. just odd to me, so i was a little stand offish when he was asking to go to dinner. Did not decline just stand of ishLater he messages me fuck it fine then doesn't reply all evening..me stressed, i don't know what to do so i go to a bar with a friend to get a drink(not the one he goes too)… However we end up going to the bar he goes to.. And what do i see, him. He is deep in conversation with some girl who i soon realize is his ex. Him and his ex have issues and they dated for a while but they were toxic for each other and whatever.. So he's deep in convo with the ex.. I see my two friends who have been observing me and i ask them how long have they been speaking they tell me the last 3 hours. Doesn't worry me. So i get a drink and hang with mtg friends, he does notice me… I stay at this bar for 2 hours silent, watched him talk to his ex and is so interested in conversation.. Like the look in his eyes was he was in love wit hher i could tell. It broke me.. He didn't acknowledge me once, didn't excuse himself from his conversation from her to even say hi or say listen i need to have this conversation its important but i will speak to you after none of that. So after two hours i go up to him, introduce myself to her as his girlfriend he says nothing… I felt so embarrassed.. Then he shoes me away saying how he needs to have this conversation and how its his ex oc 4 years. Prettt much dismissing me. Disregaurding anything i have to say. He is my boyfriend or was, was i wrong for coming up to him after watching this for 2 hours and not even being acknowledged and shown the slights respect.. I just think in my head if the roles were reversed and that was me speaking to my ex i would show my new boyfriend the slights bit of respect to even acknowledge them.So my hearts a little brokenAny opinionToday i asked him who is it that he likes and wants to be with, her or I? he read the message and didn't reply, so just be honest with me chances are he still loves her right??? Can someone please explain to me WTF is going on ?
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drugs, drunk, his ex, my ex, notice me Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 Yeah he does still love her. He has an addiction to alcohol and drugs. My guess is she hurt him and he is dating you to ease the pain. But honestly you should never allow someone to treat you like this. If it was me I would have been gone a long time ago.
A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984  +, writes (3 May 2017):
Why on earth would you even consider staying with a horrible, disrespectful drug user like him?
You are worth so much more than to settle for that low life. He is a petulant little boy.
He is no man let me tell you.
Please my dear, move on to bigger and better things and surround yourself with positive and interesting people who will benefit your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2017): I'm with wise owl and sorry he made me smile and laugh .. yes gather your dishes and ditch the bitch and do a Dorothy and click your ruby slippers and blooming disappear from his life .
CAnt say anymore than advise given .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2017): What is dating but a process of elimination and selection?
You don't have to hitch your horses to every wagon that has four wheels! So he appeared to be what he wasn't! You were looking for a boyfriend to get-over another. So you settled on the rebound; that is all you did, sweetheart!
You meet, you get acquainted; and if there's chemistry, you agree to be exclusive and be a couple for awhile. Such is single-life! When red-flags start to pop-up, this is your opportunity to decide if you're in it with the right person. You don't wait until the boat is filled with water before you decide to bailout!!!
You saw a drug problem and that is a major deal-breaker! Cocaine is not a light-weight drug; and it is heavily addictive. It is an expensive habit, impairs your judgment, and screws up your sinuses! Just because people appear functional; that by no means proves that they are. You gave him a waiver, because of your recreational use of marijuana. Yet you ignored his time-proven over-usage of coke. I'd say you were given more than fair warning.
You forgave his excessive drug-use, excused his erratic behavior, and ignored his unreliability; but didn't really get upset until his ex was in the picture.
Seriously, girlfriend?!! Say what?!!
You told US, what is going on. We don't need to tell you what you already know. The guy is a douche!
Gather your dolls and dishes, and ditch the bitch!
Whether he still loves her isn't the issue here. He's got too many problems that are only time-bombs for future drama; and your only concern is if he still wants her???
After three hours, seems he couldn't convince her of anything. She knows he's a douche-bag! If he does still want her, she's not buying his plea. You were witnessing his "take me back" speech and plea for a pardon. He even brushed you off after you introduced yourself as his girlfriend!!!
Dear child, where is your dignity! I would have told him then and there don't even think of contacting me again! Delete number and block all calls! This is over and done!
Get your priorities straight, girlfriend! Let him go. Time to move on. Live and learn! You're young and life has lots in store for you. Oh to be twenty and have so much time and life ahead of you. Don't screw it up so early into womanhood! You'll be a hot mess before you're even 25!
Date for fun and entertainment. Keep it light and temporary. Postpone making long-term commitments for relationships. Take a break from keeping boyfriends. Just a guy you like to date now and then; and for some male company. Stop getting replacements to keep your boyfriend-account full! Sometimes you've got to let it zero-balance!
You've got some growing-up to do. You need to learn some independence and get out on your own. You're spending way too much time on boyfriend-drama.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 April 2017):
 It's very obvious he's a waste of time.
Block him, remove him from your life. You know he's a let down and he isn't going to change for you.
Move forwards without him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 April 2017):
 I can tell you, but you probably won't like what I have to say...
YOU date men for their "imaginary" potential, not for who they are.
First, you date an older toxic guy whom you THANKFULLY (and good on ya!) got rid off.
And then you date a guy closer in age who EARLY on shows you red flags which you promptly ignore because you WANT to be this amazing GF who accepts him for who he is, yet you KNOW there are things about him you really don't want in a partner.
He spends the first couple of months "love bombing" you (I love that expression because it's so darn fitting.) He pays attention to you, he tries his best to SELL himself as this AMAZING person, but here is the thing... This guy is not the "amazing" guy he "sold" you, that is his "Intro and get the girl hooked" personality. (now we ALL put out best foot forward when meeting someone new so he might not ENTIRELY do that on purpose).
But he got you SO charmed that you IGNORED the red flags.
You don't like people who do drugs (though pot is fine with you) YET you DATE this guy who DEFINITELY uses cocaine.
HE made you call around to get drugs? You have any idea how much trouble THAT could land you in?
He goes out and party with other females and basically ignores you.
He presumes that YOU are so desperate for a BF that you ALLOW him to do what he wants - you think it shows what a GREAT GF you are, but all it does is make him think he can do whatever he wants.
YOU need to have a higher standard for whom you date and get involved with. It's that simple.
If you have things you DO NOT want to be around - be it an alcoholic or someone who is VERY into recreational drug use - then DON'T continue to see that guy. He isn't right for you.
If you feel a BF should have enough love and respect for you to NOT ignore you when out on the town chatting up an ex... Then don't date a guy who DOES this.
I don't think you did anything wrong in walking over and introducing yourself, but you DID set yourself up to look stupid.
Instead? Stop texting him asking him to choose... Just WISH him well and BLOCK his number. End the relationship, there is nothing for you here.
Then take a few months to figure out WHAT your dealbreakers are, what your STANDARD is and then NEXT time you meet a guy- GO SLOW.
Don't BEND over backward for a guy. It doesn't make you MORE loveable. It doesn't make you a "better" GF. All it does is make you work TWICE as hard at the relationship than the guy. LET him work for it too. Doing "cute" favors doesn't mean you are entitled to special treatment or OWED anything. Do "cute" things if it feels right and without having the expectation of anything in return. Do them because it makes YOU happy.
If you are mad at him, don't be PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE (or as you call it... "stand off ish") over text - IT DOES NOT translate. If you are upset with a partner either CALL and TALK or meet up in person and talk. YOU can not carry on a healthy relationship over text.
Whether he loves the ex-GF or not is actually irrelevant, the thing is - he doesn't LOVE you enough to 1. show you respect 2. give a flying fart about you 3. be a decent BF.
End it and move on, YOU can not FIX this guy to be like you think he should - NOR should you totally bend yourself around him to keep him.
Know that you CAN do better. That YOU are in charge of how people treat you (for the most part) People treat you like dirt you stop hanging out with them, if they are people at work you keep being professional but keep a distance and don't give them ammo.
This "BF" sounds like a party pratt, not really ready for a REAL relationship.
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