A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Someone I know, who likes me a lot, but currently has a boyfriend, is still trying to get close to me and doesn't seem to want their boyfriend so much as me... and while I've already told them we need to just be friends, the whole of a conversation we had tonight caused me to level with them one of the deepest and most dark secrets I have.So, It's more about the below than the above. The guy is with someone, and I'm not interested. But the issue is what came out of the convo. I need help with the issues listed below...I'm scared of being alone for the rest of my life, like horribly and deeply scared. So, I'm dating and doing what I can to try to bring someone new into my life - much like when I met this guy. But, I also am scared off commitment now, because of what's happened with my ex's in the past (engaged twice, both ended in cheating)... and all the people that have used me for sex along the way (many), etc... (and dating relationships that tanked...) - yeah; I'm also scared of having a boyfriend. The potentials currently just use me and then leave me. If not, I get placed on the second bench, and someone else gets chosen over me. This has happened far too many times. I hate being second-best.So, I'm hunting but not catching anything... and if I do, I let it go. Maybe its just because things go so fast and I don't take enough time, or I'm scared to let people in... or I just fuck it up somehow anyway.So I can't say yes to people who want me because of the past and my fears. At the same time, it's not like I'm saying no either, because I do care about the people I want to date... and its like I'm just hunting for the reasons to have people leave me - and then when i find them, feeling worse off. I feel hollow and shallow.At the same time, I'm all emotions now, and super baggage man. And ... Sad thing, I've been single three years, in a month and I'm still unable to trust?I dunno. I just need kind words and clear advice. What is a guy to do when he dates to find companionship, but can't commit because of baggage?Why am I so broken???
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your answer, but I do want to point out a couple things I wish to rebut.
I'm very much sexually muted at the moment. The few times things perhaps were "rushed" into - I had been dating them for over a month before sex was even on the table. - Trust me, I'm doing the best I can to find someone with scruples. It's not like I'm jumping into bed on day one, man.
I am also taking the time to develop the friendship first, and to ensure that personalities mesh up. In the end, I'm finding that perhaps that less scrupulous gay sweeps in and takes what I am working hard to earn. What say you to this?
Now, outside the engagement which ended three years ago, of course I've been dating. But after attempting, time and time again to put myself out there, there has been nothing but hurt. I mean, there's only so much one can risk... - and I think you get this being at the 7 year mark.
It's very challenging being alone.
So perhaps I am beating myself up some, but... it's getting harder and harder to remain validated for myself when I am just getting my ass handed to me by the external.
I'll take your advice, don't get me wrong... but it seems like its all a bit of the same before that isn't working.
We both have enough years to say, maybe we got the pattern wrong...?
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (23 December 2010):
 maybe you're fear of being alone is driving you into possible new relationships before you have worked out the problems your previous relationships have left you with.
clearly being cheated on twice has undermined your confidence in yourself and in other men you come across. i'm afraid gay men do tend to use each other for sex quite frequently but an obvious way to get around this is to not sleep with someone you meet quickly. get to know them as a person, that way if their personality is not right for you you will know before the possibly amazing sex warps you're judgement into thinking you're onto a winner.
people will play each other around a bit in the dating game, and to be fair you have to expect this. you should be with someone because your personalities work well together and they treat you well, not because they look good and the sex was good (although these are obvious bonus's).
thing is if you want a relationship you have to risk getting hurt. you cant have one without the possibility of the other. i haven't had a serious relationship in 7 years which worries me a bit but i guess the reason why was because i had issues with a friend of mine who i am now most certainly over...
thing is you need to stop beating yourself up about things or you will not move on successfully. be nice to yourself
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