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What if my husband doesn't get me an anniversary gift?

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Question - (23 February 2009) 16 Answers - (Newest, 6 March 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My 5th wedding anniversary is coming up this Saturday. I got my husband something I know he will really like, but I'm thinking he is going to not get me anything great. He has a habit of not getting me gifts. I don't think I have ever gotten a anniversary gift at all. I have never gotten a mother's day gift, and in 7 years I have maybe gotten three birthday gifts. Nor have I gotten a Christmas present. I guess my question is, what if he doesn't get me anything? I feel like I'm going to regret getting him something so nice.

View related questions: anniversary, christmas, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009):

so he didn't get you the car starter? i thought you said he did in your last post?

have you talked to him about this yet?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So I guess I got a thought and then an excuse. As in he thought about getting me something, and an excuse why it didn't happen. No car starter, no card, nothing. :-( Typical.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So the day came and went, and I guess my gift shouldn't be here until Monday. He got me a remote car started for the car. I guess I'm happy about it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So the day came and went, and I guess my gift shouldn't be here until Monday. He got me a remote car started for the car. I guess I'm happy about it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009):

Sorry I didn't read enough between the lines. You have child(ren) (mother'sday), so you don't have only responsibility to yourself but also to them.

Then it's even more important to solve things from the rooth, they need to grow up with happy parents and to learn about giving and getting and love and and.

I would do exactly the same. Give him the shock of your expectations (and learn his) but I would put more energy in making him aware of his responsibilitiy to make you happy for your future together and for the future of the children. (do not hesitate to visit a counsler, better too early then too late).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009):

I feel more sorry for you after reading your reaction.

Normally I am trying to solve in a smooth way (but without possibilities to escape).

I was also thinking,so many years together, how was he before you decided to get married and why did you did accept it. (I guess that you learnt in the meantime that change somebody else who doesn't really want is nearly impossible)

There are some basic needs that are necessary to feel you complete happy and one of these is the feeling that you are really important (most important in the world) for somebody else (your partner).

And honestly, after your reaction, my conclusion is that he is not acting that it's so important for him to make you complete happy.

Maybe the 5 years anniversary is a moment to talk to him more seriously about your future together and what you expect from a relation (think very good about it) and also ask him what he expects from a relation and look how you can make things work.

You are so young (you didn't mention about children) and he looks so immature about his responsibility for your relation that you should think serious how you see the next 25 or 50 years together.

I come back again to my first reaction, try to approach from the possitive way, what you expect from him and from a future together.

Make it very clear for yourself and it will be easy to be very clear and resolute to him.

Anyway, that is what I would do. I have experience unfortunately being too lovely, but I learnt to be very clear (and even more lovely in the end, because things like this are eating you from the inside and you can also not give anymore the love that you could give if you were feeling his importance for you).

You see how different answers can be, with being a more specific. With the information you give us, is this what I would do.

Wish you good luck, lots of wishdom. Respect yourself and have trust in the future (with or without).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have brought up a few days before, on birthdays or mothers day, and the day of all i get are really stupid excuses. Like "I wanted to go to the store, but my friend wouldn't drive me." Once he told me it was my fault because I didn't want him to leave the house. Like completely absurd things like that. I guess that kind of hurts too, that I know he knows stuff is coming up, and just decides not to get me anything, and that a stupid excuse would work.

And I agree, I don't think in seven years, "forgetting" just about every special occasion is and excuse.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

hahah- satindesire, I have indeed heard of communication. But come on, surely you shouldnt have to spoon feed your boyf/ husband just to get a christmas present?? -even a bad one!

Seriously; under a default of not having asked beforehand, are you seriously telling me you would not buy christmas or birthday presents for your partner year upon year?? -and think that's ok, cos well; they didn't Ask for one??

And how far d'ya have to take it? are you gonna ask him to compliment you in the card he write and to tell you that you're pretty?? you shouldn't have to ask! -and if you do; it isn't worth half so much if it was your idea!

I'm not saying there's any harm in discussing it- specially if you wanna balance what you're buying for each other to some extent, or even want something specific, but surely- its pretty rubbish for him never to have got christmas pressies or hardly ever birthday pressies for his own wife??

Tell me you wouldnt do the same for your partner if you hadn't discussed it beforehand??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

I think Cerberus' answer is great- makes it sound easy as!

Satindesire; although I can see that some ppl may not ever intend to buy presents for anniversaries or may forget them more easily than others, I think its a bit harsh to assume that she should ever have had to Ask for birthday presents from her husband!?

Even if he forgot birthdays on the actual day, he could've tried to make up for it and bought her something belatedly.

Could you really neglect to buy you husband a birthday present year upon year and assume that, since he had never asked for one,(despite fairly obvious disapointment) it must be fine??

Has he ever acknowledged the lack of birthday presents/ apologised for this? Clearly you need to discuss this with him, once and for all- communicate your feelings out in the open- he's your husband!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

Many answers come to the same thing: Some people easy forget, especially men. because they are to lazy or not understanding the importance or any other reason.

Like with so many things that are not going the way you would like: solve with the lovely words: You would make me soooooooo happy if you.....remember our weddingday saturday and buy me a present (I have seen ....there and there)and....I bought you already something but you will see on saturday.

You can remember him friday if he could find it... (in case he forgot).

Please do not tell him, you always forget so I remember you grrrrrrr or any destructive approach, because you must give him the good feelings in stead of enforcing.

Tell (and show) him after he gave how happy you are etc and he will hopefully start to understand how easy he can make you happy. (do not expect that he will remember next time, but keep on repeating the tactic till he starts to understand :):)

Congratulations with your 5 years wedding anniversary.

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States +, writes (23 February 2009):

TasteofIndia agony auntWell, he sounds like he's pretty consistent with his gift forgetting, so you need to be extremely forward with what you want. Dropping tiny hints won't work, you need to speak clearly to him. "So on Saturday, after dinner, I thought it would be a good time for us to exchange gifts." or, "I know that you're usually a forget-a-saurus when it comes to gifts, and I'm just telling you that I'll be pretty bummed out if you don't get me something for our 5th anniversary."

I don't think you're asking for anything too exceptional, but you will be if you don't bring it up to him. You know him better than he knows himself and you know that he needs a kick in the right direction.

Happy 5th anniversary! Congratulations!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

If your husband is not the thoughtful gift person it is probably not likely for you to be surprised this time with the anniversary acknowledgement you wish. Some are not very attentive with such details. However, if you wish to spend a pleasant day in joy and celebration you will have to start planning it yourself and take the initiative. Remind him of the special day that is soon to arrive and ask him to take you to dine out at a restaurant. Explain to him that it makes you happy to express your affection towards each other even through small gifts or surprises just for the sentimental value you attach to them and that you would appreciate if you could present each other the simplest tokens of your affection more often. This way your anniversary is sure to have a nice celebration and maybe next time the idea will be his and even if he is not the type initiate as much you can come up with fun scenarios until he's got the hang of it and at least both of you then will disfrute the results. It seems you are waiting for him to disappoint you and are very stressed at the thought so I think you should try a different approach. All the best and happy anniversary!

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland +, writes (23 February 2009):

Cerberus agony auntTell him you can't wait to see what he gets you for your anniversary which is on saturday, simple as that. Let what he gets you be the surprize.

Seriously we guys don't put the same importance on things like this as girls do, some guys do, but obviously your guy isn't one of them.

Don't just drop hints, we don't get them and you'll only get angry with him for not getting you anything because you, in your mind, made it obvious by dropping loads of hints.

Hints to us are crazy, mysterious enigmas it's always best to just say what you want from us, directly.

Make sure he knows you got him something special and that saturday to you is a very big deal, he'll probably get you something nice if he knows it means so much to you.

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A female reader, didda123 United Kingdom +, writes (23 February 2009):

didda123 agony auntI think you know you are probably not going to get anything.

Your husband is just that type of guy some men and women for that matter are overly generous with their gifts and others are just not that bothered i was married to one for years but to be honest it suited us both so it was never a big deal and just because someone lavishes gifts upon you does not mean that their love is any stronger.

If he shows his love for you in other ways then this is really not a big deal, maybe it would have been nice for the two of you to go out for a lovely meal together it would have been something you could both enjoy as he is obviously just not a present giver so don't hold it against him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

Getting a gift isnt the most important thing. However, seeing as he has not got you a lot in 7 years maybe you should talok to him about it. If it as bad as it sounds then your really should comfront him if it bothers you.

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A female reader, salvadda Canada +, writes (23 February 2009):

salvadda agony auntI found ur letter very interesting, which why I'm answering it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love u or doesn't care about the special occasion. You said he has always done this, so it might be that he really forgets it. The reason why ur letter did interest me is that I *being a woman* am the same way as ur hubby. My hubby NEVER forgets any occasion. He knows I love and he has just accepted it. Never made me feel bad about it, which is something I would ask u to do. If u would like to try to resolve this, u can do a few things that might help remind him. I might suggest u could get a girlfriend of yours to drop a hint, such as......so *Joan's* birthday is coming up soon what r u going to get her? I will call u Joan so I can make the point, or.....What r u goiong to get/or do for Joan on ur anniversay next week? You can also try to mark it on calender which is my sytem now for not forgetting. The main thing is don't make him feel bad. I'm am sure it is only a matter of forgetfulness. Also I would like to add plz try not to take personal. If ur hubby is a good man and u know he loves u that's all that matters. On another note. If u talk with other women, u will find that most men do forget such things. I hope some of my ideas will help u....congrats on ur 5th yr. anniversary, and I hope u have a wonderful one and many more....good luck.

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