A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so my boyfriend of 4.5 years says he wants to marry me 'one day' but I feel this is a bit too unspecific after this much time. Am I overreacting? I am 28, he is 26 and he says he can see marriage and kids at some point in the future but not for a few years yet. He won't give me a specific number of years or tell me what he's waiting for so I have no idea what it really means, and I'm scared that I'll wait for him and he'll keep saying this without ever giving me a specific timescale. Don't they say if a guy is flaky about it then it means it's the girl he's unsure of?He's just asked me to move in with him but I know this isn't the same as him wanting to commit to me so I don't know if it's a good sign or not? I've only brought the subject up twice since we've been together and he's never seemed like he wants to discuss it. I don't want to be pushy and keep bringing it up but I do want to have a bit of a firmer idea before I commit to moving in with him. Deep down I'm really not sure if he thinks moving in with him will 'shut me up' for want of a better way of putting it.What do you think aunts and uncles? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): Its all about him he seems in control. What he may or may not do... and when. If you want marriage after what is clearly a reasonable time in a relationship and he does not see it as important then you fundamentally dont want the same thing and your values are different. I agree with other posts do not compromise yourself to accomodate his preferences. Its time you started looking after your life and not wasting i
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2013): If I were you, I'd keep my own place of residence and hold on to my independence.
If he can't be specific; it's mainly because he hasn't decided you're the one he wants to marry; and be the mother of his children. He has all needs right now. Sex on demand and a lovely lady willing to stand by his side.
He has only confirmed he wants to be married and have children someday. So it's up in the air, and anyone's guess who she'll be.
Keep your living arrangements separate ;and then you get to set how long you're willing to wait for him to reach his decision whether he wants to make a life together. He'll have to make a special effort to continue receiving all the benefits of having a girlfriend; who has nearly been around longer than most wives these days.
You're already feeling leery of his lack of commitment; so why cater to his whims. Then he'll have the benefit of a housekeeper, cook, and a very active bedroom. Who needs kids and marriage to mess that up?
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (23 December 2013):
Kind of like what sageoldguy was saying, but to be more cliché, but why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
I don't think you should move in with him until he at least proposes and have a date set because otherwise, he's not going to make a move. After 4.5 years, he should know by now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 December 2013):
 DON'T "move in" with him!!!! IF/when you do.... you give HIM all the trappings of "marriage".... without the committment (that you seek).... whilest YOU get not a darn thing (relative to the committment that you think should precede "living together").....
AND, "moving in (together) puts ALL the power in his hand... assuming - as I am - that YOU are moving "in" to HIS address.....
It's the recipe for a muddy parting once he actually DOES "tip his hand" and reveal to you that he really only wanted you for a convenient/available sex partner.... all along....
Keep your independence.... and "move in" with him... following the marriage that you crave... There's nothing wrong with THAT!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 December 2013):
 I would not move in with him if marriage and children within a marriage are important to you.
At your age after 32-3 years if he does not know if he wants to marry you, it's time to leave. It MAY change his mind (that's what happened with my first husband) but more than likely you are not the one he wants to marry.
My husband was 36 when I met him. He told me at age 37 that marriage was stupid. He did not believe in it and he was NEVER getting married. That was just fine with me. I'd been married before and did not care to marry again as I was not going to be having children with him and don't see marriage as all that.
What changed? he fell in love with me enough to not want to share or lose me. MEN who don't want to get married, are only that way till they meet a girl they don't want to lose.
I say that you should not move in with him and let him know that you want a commitment that he can't give you and therefore it's time to part ways.
DO NOT be surprised if he comes after you but if he does, make him toe the line and propose, and set a date and go for it. Otherwise, he's time wasting if marriage is that important to you (and as an unmarried woman who wanted marriage and kids it was that important to me)
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