A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Met this awesome but shy guy for the first time in person last week. We met online on a dating site. We had planned to meet after a month or so of texting, as he had a day off from work and I had a day off the next day so it worked for us both. It was a pleasant meeting and we hung out over drinks and some food for about 2 and a half hours. He paid for all of it. Soon after we both got into cabs back home, he texted to say thanks for meeting up, saying it was awesome and asking me to text him when i reached home. Usual stuff. He had initiated this meet by constantly telling me that he wanted us to meet, decidning on a date in advance, etc.We have continued texting and talking every day after we met, but it hasn't been the like the flirty conversations we had before we met. One or two flirty texts at most. I must add that he is extremely shy on phone, not so much in person! He is also quite a busy person so while he's at work, there isnt much talking during the day; we chat later in the night. The conversations have definitely died down a bit and now its usually me initiating conversations and him giving a few words to answer. I feel a bit too pushy!On our first meet, he told me that the current month at work was insanely hectic being the month end and all. I really liked meeting him and want to meet him again. He hasn't initiated any conversations about meeting again. I finally mustered up the courage (I am terribly shy and awkward too) to say to him "Hey if you want to, i'd really love to hang out again!" to which he said "Yes yes me too! Its a little hectic at work right now but we will work something out". I know all signs point towards him having lost interest. But is there even a slight ray of hope to be found here? He was very into me at first. When i asked him what he was looking for in the relationship a little before we met, he said "all the qualities you possess really". And he did say it was a busy month at work. When we parted ways after our first meet he gave me a hug and said "I hope we meet again soon, this was fun!" What do you think happened? Please help me understand this.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 Just read your update so that's all good. My advice was going to be to wait until the end of month was over and see how it went. Looks like it went well. If he is busy with work then it is possible he may not have a huge lot of time for dating so I am hoping the weekend goes well for you and it all works out. Best off luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017): Hi, just a little update for all of you who helped here - im actually quite happy to say that the guy came forward and said he indeed liked me a lot! We spoke for hours about how the first meet went and our feelings and now have solid plans for this weekend!:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2017): I think he gave reasonable explanation that work was hectic and it is at the end of the month. Personally, I know how that is, and it was an issue when my boyfriend and I first met. He owns a business, and his hours are long; and the scale of his jobs can be huge. So he didn't have the time to always call, or schedule dates. So I sort of backed-off. I have a demanding-career, but I know how to juggle my time.
Ironically; when his time freed-up, my job became more demanding! The difference being, we always kept in-touch; and made-up for lost time, however we could. We never showed any deficiency in our eagerness to be together, and made the best of the time we shared. We, to this day, get very excited to see each other after a long week. However; when warmer weather approaches, I expect to see him less. He has several large contracting jobs ahead of him. I can either wait for him at his place; or he'll see me at mine. We have worked around these issues...that is, we mutually care enough to!
We didn't meet online. So perhaps that makes a difference.
People online have a lot of available prospects. A very large pool to choose from. Successful meetings are no assurance that you will meet again; regardless of how much of a good time that person claims they had. You can still have a good-time, but decide that's not the person for you. If you haven't yourself, you will.
It was a first-meeting, and an ice-breaking of sort. His opportunity to evaluate your appearance, fit the profile to the person, test the ease of communication, and to study your personality. Warning! Loneliness will form premature-attachment. Bypassing all red-flags and exposing your desperation. Be open-minded. First and foremost, level-headed.
If he doesn't seem that eager anymore; then withdraw your interest moving forward. Discontinue your contact and consider him not as interested as he was before, or should be.
Don't fault your looks or his first impression of you. He owes you nothing, nor do you owe him anything. It is polite and possibly sincere, that he enjoyed the date. There is no obligation to carry things beyond this point. That's online-dating. You checkout all your prospects at your pleasure. Your options remain open until chemistry is ignited. You also have to be sure of what you're looking for, and be able to meet your own standards. He may feel you deserve better. Don't sell yourself short, and don't be conceited. Know thyself!
It doesn't change a thing about you, your value as a person (or as a woman); or measure the extent of your beauty and/or sex-appeal. It was a good date, and maybe he can't prove himself to match his profile. Maybe he doesn't feel himself worthy; and figure he just doesn't fit the personality-type you need. Sometimes I think women are far to quick to assume it's their short-comings. Some guys have a conscience, and will spare you. Sometimes we are prejudged to be jerks. I'd say, better safe than sorry!
Needing a man is weakness; wanting one based on your self-confidence and assured-independence is strength.
It's power! Knowing the right-fit is brilliance!
Never take being told a date is good just on face-value. Let the actions that follow be your proof. If a lull in contact falls below your required standards? There you have it. Don't be too liberal with your standards. Follow your own rules, and set your own guidelines. You'll feel better about it.
Placing the control of your emotions in the hands of a person you don't really know is not wise. It offers them the option to manipulate you; or feeds narcissistic-supply to a narcissist. Some people are testing your resolve, or degree of vulnerability and/or gullibility. Some guys want to know if you're a needy-psycho; or a lady who chooses according to her own good-taste in men, and fully aware of her options.
You're a prize, not a free-gift. You must be earned. He doesn't call all the shots.
If he calls, apologizes, and goes out of his way to try and make it up to you; cautiously consider another chance. Just put your feelings on-hold. You need to be better acquainted, understand his schedule and job-demands; and be certain of his level of interest in you. All the while evaluating his character and sincerity. Place your feelings first.
The full-proof is in his actions, and how he sticks to his word. On that, you can build trust.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (24 February 2017):
When we meet people online we start to build up a fantasy about what they'll be like when we meet them. This fantasy is added to whenever we converse with that person but when we meet this person and finally converse with them face-to-face we might discover that this fantasy does not match up to reality. We might seem to have a lot in common with them "on paper" but not in reality. It's really difficult to put your true personality across to someone who's never met you in text or even over the phone.
You simply weren't the right person for him. This does not mean to say that you are undesirable in any way - just not the right match.
Now, you might ask "Well, why doesn't he just say so then?" And I'll admit that it would be much easier in some respects if everybody was completely honest 100% of the time but then we'd all have to be prepared to have our feelings hurt much more often because sometimes the truth hurts. And we feel uncomfortable knowing that what we say might hurt the other person so we tend to avoid it.
And let's face it, you WOULD be hurt if he simply said "Sorry, you're not at all like I expected and I've gone off you now we've met." So he's slowly pulling away hoping you'll get the message that way instead.
I've been on both ends of this situation before and it isn't really pleasant but you've just accept that not everybody is going to be right for each other and move on.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (24 February 2017):
 Sweetheart, if he was really interested he would be taking time off work to be with you. If work is taking precedence then he isn't the guy for you.
You deserve someone who is prepared to walk across burning coals to be with you. What you DON'T want is someone trying to find a window in their busy schedule to fit you in.
Don't demean yourself further. You have made it clear to him that you would like to get together. Sadly he has other fish to fry.
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