A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry if this is long just bare with me because I need help. My girlfriend has ruined our relationship and I feel like she just wanted me for money.I need to know what other people think.I can't talk to my family or friends because they all love her and if we do work this out I don't want them to hate her. I want to give you some background information first.We've been together 12 years and she is 27. We've never had a break up or even a big argument really. She is/was the perfect girl for me she's generous and kind understanding hilarious and so ambitious. She works 40 hours a week and we earn good money and have the same salary as each other. We've lived together 3 years in london and she was better at saving and put down 7000 more for the mortgage deposit than I did. She takes care of the house the bills (we both pay but she's better organised than me) she cooks dinner every night (she eats very healthy as do I and doesn't like take away and I can't cook no matter how much she tries to teach me I don't enjoy it like she does) She's crazy in bed she surprises me now even 12 years later and manages to do all this while going to the gym everyday. I'm good to her too I just want to tell you how great she was so you understand my dilemma. Were meant to be getting married in June and wanted to start a family shortly after. My dad is terminally ill and is leaving me a lot! Of money. But he's leaving the money to me not her so I asked if we could look into a marriage agreement that if we break up that money is mine not hers. She comes from a poor family and grew up on an estate and stand to inherit nothing but she has been saving since 16 so does have money. Here's where she gets nasty.. First she says she didn't realise these were a thing in England but if it makes me happy well look into it but only if that clause is not applicable if I'm unfaithful. I'd never dream of cheating on her she's everything I need. I said no because she should trust me. She said I was the nasty one she didn't want me to do it but that it hurts when someone doesn't trust you so she is either crazy or nasty and manipulative and playing games to make her point I've never seen this side of her before. So after talking about it she said she wants to call off the wedding because now us having a family is an issue and we can't get married if we're not agreed on this stuff she's using a baby against me ! So she tells me she's not sure if she wants a family anymore because she can't trust me to provide for her if she has to leave work for a couple years she said she would sign the agreement if I was the one too stay at home for the first couple years but she's the mother she should stay at home we earn enough money for one of us to stay at home for the first few years. So she we agreed to look at legal agreements before marriage and she has not agreed to it because if I use my dad's money for things they could be interpreted as just mine in a divorce and she won't feel secure leaving her career. but I dont understand why does she want this money so bad when we never knew we had it in the first place. Now she wants 3500 off me for the extra she put towards the mortgage and has said our relationship is not what she thought it was and will call off the wedding until we decide what we're doing. She keeps saying she doesn't want a penny of my dad's money and wishes he left it to charity but how can I believe her when she won't sign the agreement. I can't believe her selfishness and desire for money has done this to us! Do I just go along with it and call off the wedding and be done with her?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 February 2017):
 Your girlfriend sounds like a selfless kind generous girl. You have been together twelve years, she has put more money in to the house than you as she is better with money. Obviously because she grew up without being handed everything on a plate. She looked at her investement in to the house as a home for you both not just her, she looks at her money like it is both of your money, as you have built a life together and are a couple. She cares for your dad at the weekend, not because she hopes to get money from it but because she already sees him as family. Now as soon as inheritance has been mentioned you tell her it is yours not for the both off you and you want a prenup. She is thinking a future with children and you all as a family, you are thinking the money is for yourself. It does not sound to me like you are ready to make a commitment. It does not sound to me like you are ready for marriage. I agree you should go to therapy together. She is horrified you think that she is only after your money after 12 years off building a life together she is heartbroken!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): My advice if you should accept it is this :Ask her if she would have dinner out with you ; pick somewhere lovely she loves.. say to her at dinner you need to say something " no it isn't your pregnant " hopefully that will make her laugh and add " but if you were would she make an honest man of you " ?? You want to keep this honest part going in your talk so add .. if she lets you say what you have to you will never never bring it up unless she wishes too .So you then say I have to be honest here and start by saying I've had foot and mouth disease I just kept putting my foot in mouth about this stupid money .. this isn't about you .. it's me .. I got greedy .. I saw the money and my head went all looney tunes on me .. before I knew it; I stupidly and ignorantly said something I will regret suggesting the rest of my life . But once I had said it .. I couldn't take it back or say wtf did I mention that . I have thought long and hard about this .. us .. and we are a couple .. we live together.. eat together and eh poop together .. it our life .. it's our money .. there no words I can say that will make you forgive me just yet .. but I love you .. so much .. I hope I haven't damaged that part of us . Let me show you by my future words ..my wife .. my love .. what mines is yours and vice Versa.. can we make this night a restart over .. Honesty here is the best policy this isn't her problem it's yours and I do hope you realise if she does except this or anything you say that you mean it.. you live with her .. for goodness sake you are a couple .. be one ..And I applaud your dad .. and your girl is a gem .. I keep saying to people gems are hard to find if not impossible .. whether friends or more.. and when you do hold them close ..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): Well, you made a mistake and you seem to be genuinely sorry for it. You got caught up in the unexpected windfall and yes, now she has to deal with the reality that you suddenly saw her as a threat to your fortune rather than as someone you would love and protect. I would write her a heartfelt letter of apology. I would go to counselling with her. I would do everything to show her that my lapse in judgment was just that: a lapse that was very out of character. I think that in time she will forgive you OP. She will sense it if you are truly sorry. You were immature and didn't understand the true meaning of marriage, but it is good that you are seeing the true meaning now...that is what counts, you are sorting it out...you are changing your ways. p.s. ohhh my gawd she visited your father every weekend, taking care of him too while knowing nothing of the money? How much of an angel is this girl?!?!? She is so pure-hearted, I can see why it would be extremely hurtful to her that you could think that she was a fortune hunter!Good luck OP, I hope you are able to make it up with her, I truly do. Good luck on your learning journey...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): Hello again this is the OPThanks for all your answers. I spoke to my dad about the agreement and he was very disappointed in me he said the money was to help us start a family and to take some burden off of us and the money is for both of us. My girlfriend has a good relationship with my dad and cares for him on Saturdays and Sundays to give my mum a break. The problem is I ruined everything my fiance now says she doesn't know if she wants to marry me and definitely doesn't want a penny of my dad's money because she thinks I'll always think she wanted the money to be honest I don't know what I was thinking we had no idea what my dad's small business was worth. She said we should postpone the wedding and go to counselling because if I think that way about her I'm not who she thought I was I don't know how to fix it. I offered her the half she put towards the mortgage and she won't take it. She said she's fed up of talking about the money and we should focus on my dad now she thinks I'm heartless and greedy I've seen the mistake in my judgment of her and hope I can fix it. I feel so guilty I love this girl so much. Thanks
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): I can understand you wanting to protect an inheritance but the way this has been handled as made you seem selfish. This woman has stuck by you for 12 years, putting £7000 more into a home that you have shared ownership of together - even when you were both earning the same so it would seem you did not make as much effort to save and was more than happy to accept her money when it was on offer. Did she ask for a legal clause to be written that should you split up she wants her £7000 and a higher percentage of the sale because she owned more of the house? There is no mention of her doing that, so I will assume she didn't. She saw herself as building and future with you and with marriage part of the plan, she was of the mindset of 'what's mine is yours'. Now you stand to inherit some money, and say you want to start a family with this lady. Why would she want to start a family with someone who is reluctant to provide for that family should it split up. As I imagine that's how she sees it; she has worked tirelessly to save, does more than her share of the household chores such as cooking all of the time when you both work equally long hours when it would only seem fair that you at least attempted to cook for her (my grandmother told me if I could read, I could cook as following a recipe isn't rocket science). It will be her body that's ravaged with morning sickness, stretch marks, tiredness and then gives birth to your child and the thanks she gets for that is you saying - well if we split up I'm protecting my money. That is like saying you don't want her or you child to have a penny and would leave them in the lurch.It sounds like she would probably sign the agreement if you added the clause in that she wants. If you're so certain you wouldn't cheat then it shouldn't be too hard. Or you realise there is a lot more in life to be valued over money and potentially you are throwing away a happy, fulfilling relationship for the sake of some cash. You have an old fashioned attitude that as the mother she should stay at home - of course she won't want to now. If anyone is taking a loss in earnings I can see why she would want it to be you - because she will want to continue earning to save her money for herself. Mothers by law need 2 weeks off and can return to work any time after that, there is parental leave now rather than just maternity leave so as the father you can stay at home.I can understand you wanting to protect your father's money, but you are not a single man and have desires to start a family.Why not actually set out an agreement that would benefit your future children over the pair of you as that seems a lot more palatable and ensures your children are looked after. Should I inherit anything from my estranged father or grandfather (not set for any other inheritance) then it would be used for the benefit of me, my partner and our children. I wouldn't squirrel the money away as it is "my money". I'd use it in whatever way made a difference to us all. It was "my money" that was the deposit for our mortgage but I didn't demand it be recorded legally because I knew I would marry my partner and we would share everything anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): It is YOUR money. It is your choice, and only yours, what to do with it. She is not your wife.Want to make it even? Give her the $7000 and then tell her to have a nice life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): IF you had already been happily married for 30 years then my answer would be different. But you are not even married yet and already she is coveting money you are about to inherit.Your father is wise and he wants you to inherit. He has not left 50 percent to a woman who is not yet his daughter in law.You are finally seeing a side to her that you do not like. Take good notice of it.There are many people who have pre-nups. You are right to be realistic about the situationUntil the 19th century it was very normal for families, even middle class families, to have marriage contracts.They were drawn up to protect family fortunes. People understood the need to protect family money. Even today some families go to extreme (and private) lengths to protect family money. Families did it to protect their daughters from fortune hunters. Families did the same for their sons to protect their sons from fortune hunters.There really are people who actively seek only a spouse who will bring plenty of money to the marriage and who would not marry a poor person. There is no secret to why some families remain comfortable while others always struggle financially.The money you are inheriting is your money. You are not yet married.Many marriages do not last.If you have doubts about her now then just wait until she feels more aggrieved later on. Give her the 50% of the $7000 now, and then sell the place and take your share.Try to marry a person who is worth about the same as you are worth financially. Then still have a prenup. It is becoming the norm today.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): Totally totally at loss here .. she has seen a different side of your character and I think she is quite right to cancel the wedding in fact you may find she cancel the whole relationship soon .. She has put more money in the kitty to secure the house that you both wanted as she didn't see her money as hers .. she saw it yours as in a couple however .. you seem to think this money is just your own .. really what mad idea did come from .. are you single .. if so it would be yours alone .. but you aren't .. she not after your money .. she thought it was money you both could bank on .. And how nasty are you in your description of her once you pass by all her fantastic traits that most men would give their right arm for .. but you know what once she throws your silly ass out the door .. you'll be someone else right .. who be fantastic and be so great .. and guess what you keep your money If I were her I wouldn't want it either and please tell your family and friends it won't be her that they will be going eeeewww at believe me it will be you ..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): No she is not after your money! I'll tell you what...she was shocked that after 12 years of you two building a life together, saving together, making a down payment together where she put in MORE than her fair share, suddenly YOU get inheritance and the first thing you think of is a premarital agreement to ensure that she wouldn't get a share of it if you got divorced?!?!?I don't think you really understand what marriage is supposed to be. I think she was shocked that after ALL she has done for you, the first thing you want to do is cover YOUR ass, and take all the inheritance money, while she shares every hard earned penny SHE has slaved away for WITH YOU. Legally, when you get married, unless there is a pre-marital agreement you DO split assets if anything happens. That's what marriage is, you are in this financially TOGETHER. I would find it extremely insulting if someone suddenly wanted me to sign a premarital agreement, if they had just come in to some money (yet had no bother with it before). For one thing that shows that you believe there is a good chance in the marriage ending, if you are so concerned about such an agreement. And why WOULDN"T you want to split your assets in the event of a divorce? Especially if you had a child together? If you loved each other, and built a life together, there is a reason the courts say to split everything going forward. Honestly I agree with the others, I would break up with you so fast if the thought of your father dying just brings this kind of greed and pilfering away attitude on your part. If I were her I would seriously wonder where your love went, and why the money has changed YOU so much. I would never want to have kids with someone who wants to protect their interests and only their interests, especially when I had always shared. Sorry, but you have to be prepared to become ONE in a marriage, share everything ESPECIALLY if there are children involved.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (4 February 2017):
 Marriage is the most important contract you will ever enter into and for it to be successful, both parties have to be clear about their expectations. And while a pre-marital agreement can help build trust it can just as easily undermine it.She's not after your money. She just wants the same measure of security that you want for yourself. I imagine you're thinking that she likely won't screw you over one day, but human nature being what it is we never really know what we'll do years ahead under far different circumstances. That's reasonable, but it's unreasonable for you to condemn her for thinking the same about you. If you're that confident that you would never cheat, including that clause should be easy. Your refusal raises valid questions. You expect her to invest ALL of herself, the best years of her life, her money, her time, her energy and to one day make raising your children her priority. You expect her to sacrifice her earning potential to do this. Maternity benefits are much smaller than a paycheque and they don't last forever. In the event of a divorce EVERYTHING she brought to the table is marital property to be divided by the courts.While you squirrel away your own private nest egg. Her concerns about whatever you spend that inheritance on coming back to bite her are understandable. Fruit of the poisoned tree, if you will. She doesn't want to find herself years from now, with three kids in tow having to pay you for property she cared for all these years, from an income that is far less than yours. And to add insult to injury, pay you to start a new life with some other woman after you've already had the best years out of her. Food for thought, your fiancé's priorities will change once you start your family and she may not have the same time, energy and motivation to cook, clean, pack lunches, take kids to doctors, dentist and haircutting appointments AND maintain a hot body and provide you with all the 'amazing sex' you've become accustomed to. Do you have a plan for that too?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): It seems everything was ok until you mentioned the inheritance money.Its normal for family to leave it to a son or daughter.Most people are happy but I think she feels taken advantage of because you were both in ot together forever and now with this money you have mentioned divorce which changes the field of play.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): Your not trusting her either by asking for this agreement? It's not manipulative of her to ask for the cheating clause as your wanting a break up clause yourself! If she is better with money, saves more for expenses such as the mortgage I can understand why she would not be keen on taking time off work for a family especially as you want this money labelled as your own. Marriages should be shared with both partners incomes and parental responsibility. My own dad is terminally ill and I would not be arguing over keeping his money to myself, money is not even an issue at a time like this Nevermind hoarding it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (4 February 2017):
 Wow, if I were her I would have dumped your selfish greedy backside by now and not looked back! I can't believe YOU have the audacity and tunnel vision to call HER selfish and question HER desire for money when you have done what you have. Shaking my head here. Just beyond belief.You two have been together all your adult lives. Everything you have together has been earned together. It is not like she is some gold-digger who has started dating you because she feels she can get money from you. Despite her poor background (your words), she has ambition and has made something of herself. She earns the same amount as you do but still - because you frittered away your money while she was saving hers - she had no hesitation in putting down more money than you towards the house deposit. That was ok by you, obviously. I bet she didn't get you to sign any agreement that, if you split up, she got a bigger share of any equity in the house, did she? But as soon as YOU have a bit of extra money - and sorry, I really don't think the amount is relevant - you want her sign away any right to it. So what is yours is yours, and what is hers is yours too? This girl sounds fabulous. What the hell is she doing with you? She is already realizing that you are not as generous and selfless as her and, in my opinion, is completely justified in questioning the wisdom of marrying you. Wake up and realize what you are doing. Tear up the pre-nup, grovel to her on your knees, and tell her that what is yours is hers as well. Then get married and have a wonderful life. Your money will not give you children or keep you warm in bed. Get your priorities right.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 February 2017):
 I agree with N91
Why not COMPROMISE and add the clause SHE wants into the prenup? If you are certain you won't cheat it shouldn't BE a big deal to add it.
I have to say a person's death and inheritance brings the WORST out in some people. I have seen it several times in my own family. It was disgraceful. So I don't blame you for finding her behavior and attitude questionable.
But I DO think you two should postpone the wedding till you are in agreement. CALL it off.
Also, I don't think SHE should give up her career to have a kid. This isn't the 1930's. And with a good job, she should be MORE than able to take maternity leave. In the UK you have Statutory Maternity Pay ( SMP ) SMP for eligible employees can be paid for up to 39 weeks. 39 weeks is ALMOST 9 months. And NO, just because she is the MOM doesn't mean SHE HAS to stay at home. My brother stayed at home for 6 months with BOTH their kids. (his wife stayed home for 6 months, then HE stayed home for 6 - but that is Denmark for you where BOTH parents get 12 months maternity/paternity leave).
If I were you, I would perhaps consider having some PRE-marital counseling done here? And MAYBE not plan for your dad's money BEFORE he is in the grave and the ink dry on the testament? I find that so uncouth!
And really? It's none of your GF's business WHO your dad chooses to leave his money too. Easy for her to say he should leave it to charity, yet she SURE wants her hand in the pot, doesn't she?
Also, I think it's FAIR you pay her the 3,500 towards the mortgage if you DO inherit. AS long as BOTH your names are on the house. And I'd make DAMNED sure there is a paper trail of this.
This would be an ABSOLUTE turn off for me if my partner/husband behaved like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): Well I think the problem lies within you yourself and I agree wholeheartedly with the girlfriend.You are not the guy she thought you were.After caring for you and helping you out for all these years you have become gravalicuous enough to put off a mud deprived rhino,never mind an intelligent, talented woman!Lets face it you threw the relationship to the fan when the wiff of extra cash came in.Now you remember you werent born on an estate but she was.Oh how gratified you are to think of money coming in and not a great deal of sympathy for dad,nor anyone else.No your classism has reared its ugly head and this girl is wising up and seeing you as the con you are.Your relationship was one of poverty and drawing your line in the sand is the squirreling away of your potential inheritance.To suit your ill mannered thought pattern you have dreamed a plethora of imaginary wrongs that she has done to you, even refusing your imaginary kids.I dont think she should sign on the dotted line for you or the protection of your money.You are a disaster waiting to happen and she probably could meet and marry a millionaire as they are not hard to come by in this day and age.She would naturally share all without quibble.If she were a millionairess before all this nastiness she probably would have thought nothing of sharing with you in marriage, but as your inheritance has caused such a snooty reaction from you, you should prepare yourself to be dumped because you have no finesse and you only know how to use people, not to love them.My heart doesnt bleed for you!When you feel your grief over your cavalier attitude to people you will be one step closer to normality.Marry your money and let the girl find a decent man who loves her, not someone who treats her as a lower class convenience until they find their financial feet.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 February 2017):
 As far as I can see she will sign the pre nup but only if there's a clause in it that voids the agreement if you cheat? That's the jist I've gotten.
If you're not going to cheat then what's the problem? She's agreed to sign it.
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