A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi allIs this part of narcissism perhaps. It's not in my nature to turn away old friends but no doubt he is a narcissist. I have recovered from my dependency on him and have a good solid life now. With a social life, with my family, my own home it took me 4 years to get solid and happy again.This man moved out of my life after 12 years and almost destroyed me, I am a forgiving and loving person and I would always help people, we have slowly recovered our friendship but my heart is very uneasy. Where do you decide that a person is really a true love.. the real thing.. when this man is definately a Narcissist? No point asking my family or friends the answer would be the same.. walk away. Having lived a life now on MY terms, MY decisions well he jumped up again 6 months back. As usual his second new relationship is failing and they look back into the past to the X. So yep very very cautious here I have enough on my plate and in fact a pretty busy schedule. Despite the fact he knows I am very busy and have new commitments and in fact have made all my xmas and holiday plans dare I say it totally without him .. ;-) he still wants to meet up. We have met up a few times spend a few days together but totally platonic. To me if this is simply a pure platonic thing of him, I can walk away now. I really don't need more friends especially a friend that hurt and harmed me so much. He wants us to spend another weekend together ok, I do enjoy his company we laugh , walk , we have fun and it's all pure platonic no sex no crossing over, but there is love in the background and this is where I am confused.If he JUST cares for me, why the hell does he want me to spend time with him. It's not all just platonic and I have a very sensitive heart. If a man says he cares for you what the hell does that mean? He is diabetic I think his sex life is over, he is 67 and I am 63 we arenot kids! What does he want? He knows I am not interested in a life with him and the sexual side is gone so what does he want?I don't get it, apart from occasional meets, and sharing a dinner I am not prepared to offer him what I once did, my total dedication, faithfullness and love , my 100% loyalty. It's not that I don't care it's just that I find trusting him impossible so better off putting up a wall. I just don't get it what does he want? No point asking him , stock answer is well I care for you. We are old friends mmmmm we do enjoy each others company I grant him that but I love my own home my own life there is hardly any room in it for him that's a fact. I have an 1-10 years commitment at home a frail husband now aged 87 that has Alzheimers he was my love my rock till he became ill. I won't move from that, I love and will be caring for him as long as I take a breath. Some people make commitments, I keep mine. Yet this narcissist still wants to be part of my life? Is this part of his illness? He has no power over me, no control when i feel sad or need love I have someone as no matter how ill my husband is Love is something that doesnot die! So what does this friend want from me, what does he get out of insisting we spend time together. I need regular breaks from caring I normally have a weekend break with family or a nice spa hotel break quite happy doing that on my own. I need to do this to keep my sanity while caring for someone with ALzheimers, so this old friend this narcissist wants me to have time out with him?What does he get out of this if he only cares for me, why go through that bother or is it a power thing as I sure as hell don't want him to hold anything over me. He has also started to shower me with gifts again, I know Xmas is coming up and yes I bought a few things but I bought gifts for all my friends with no strings!So i am confused or am I, help what does he want of me? Or is this a power narcissist thing, I gave up on love after the breakup as it seemed to me, my pain was nothing to this person , real normal people feel pain when love breaks up. He never did he just moves on to the next person, so I am confused what does he want of me, as I am fine without hime.Any input I would be very gratefull.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2019): Glad the narcissist is working his way out of your life. You might have an addiction for drama; and you invite him back because he has a spell over you. He breaks your boredom and gives you some intrigue; but messing with people you would consider a narcissist is dangerous.
Don't invite the devil in, and don't expect to get burned! Your suffering is his pleasure.
Have a Merry Christmas!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell my husband is still alive moving into stage 6 Alzheimer's, the Narcissist still in contact , I've been having treatment as my cancer is back. That's depressing, I'm pretty much in control of my life and emotions . I cant believe it's been this long. Christmas is around the corner and I'm celebrating with hubby and my family, really looking forward to it. You are all right once he finds a new victim to control all his affection and expenditure goes to her sadly his daughter. Oh well that's not such a bad thing she will have to look after him in his old age, lol. I am free , I'm a pensioner now and financially secure and dare I say it happy. I see the Narc but it's short visits whatever love is declared it's not real. You can always tell when a Narc moves on , less gifts less calls almost to busy for you. That was my saviour lol Merry Christmas all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): Why ask for advice when you already know your problem is maintaining a person you've branded a narcissist as a friend?
Don't mush things up with the excuse that you're forgiving and a nice person. You also have to be a smart person. When you know something is not good for you, you put it out of your life. You don't keep going back for more punishment; then asking for help. Only not to listen and practice what you've learned. You've already declared your disclaimer that you forgive and have a sensitive heart. Yet you keep inviting the devil back into your life.
What's up with that? Seriously, girlfriend?!!
You've held this guy as your backup man. Your husband's health is failing, and you're still emotionally-dependent on a bad man. He's not just a friend. He's your man on the side; because you never really did give him up. You just renamed "emotional-dependency" as "friendship."
Narcissists don't need friends. They need narcissistic-supply. People to feed on. They suck them dry emotionally; while shredding them to pieces and bite-sized chunks. Devouring their feelings like sweets, and spitting them out like chewing-tobacco. They love weakness. It makes them strong.
Get him out of your life; and all will change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): Your post reads to me like you are debating whether or not he is in love with you - he isn't. What does he want? Attention from you and power over you, pure and simple. You know what he's like and you managed to escape from him before so why allow him to get into your head again?He knows you're under a lot of strain looking after your husband and he's trying to take advantage of that and lure you in. Don't bite. He doesn't need to be interested in sex as power gives him a greater high. Power over you. Having you thinking about him and wondering over him. That's what he wants. Perhaps you think that because you feel stronger now "This time I will get the upper hand". You won't, he's the manipulator. Slowly your relationship will slip back to the way it was before with him controlling you and you feeling miserable. I was married to an abusive man. These men are an addiction. Like an alcoholic, just one drink and we're hooked again. If you can't get him out of your head then you need to remove him from your life. You don't owe him anything. He'd be fine without you, just shrug his shoulders and move onto the next victim.He nearly destroyed you, do you need that again?
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reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (8 December 2016):
 You shut the door on the relationship. I think rather than opening the door back up, even just a little it would be best to lock it, bolt it and then throw away the key. Why would you want to open yourself up again to someone that hurt you so deeply? You must know that he'll only hurt you again if you let him back into your life!
The reason he's reaching out to is probably because the holidays are coming, he's lonely and he knows that you have a soft spot for him. Harden your heart unless you want more pain.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 December 2016):
 You CAN be a good, loving and caring person and keep people out who hurt you. YOU do not OWE him contact.
My guess is you not the one person he hurt, you are just the ONLY person who has forgiven him and will give him the time of the day.
NO ONE likes to be lonely, not even a narcissist. He probably has a lot of burned bridges behind him.
Why on Earth you want to invite "trouble" into your life again in the form of this person is beyond me.
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reader, N91 +, writes (8 December 2016):
 If I were you I'd stay well away. You already know how much trouble he caused you the first time. You said it took 4 years to get over so is it really worth revisiting?
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