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What does he want from me?

Tagged as: Friends, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2009) 11 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2009)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

This guy and I met back in September at a friend's party where we seemed to get along well and have a nice little chat. That night ended in us engaging in sexual relations (not actual sex, just oral). The next morning we exchanged numbers. Got a text from him a week later asking what I was up to, and then straight up he told me that he wasn't looking for anything more than a good time. He went on to invite me to his place, but I told him no because I didn't want to bail out on another friend with whom I had already made plans with. For a whole month, we kind of just texted back and forth, nothing sexual though.

In mid October, he went out one night with my friend's boyfriend, and I went out that night with my friend somewhere else. He was texting me all night long, and then the next morning he invited me to grab a bloody mary. We ended up spending the whole day together at his place, just talking about everything, we even went out to dinner after that. In our conversation that day I had mentioned to him that I was a virgin. A little after that we started kissing and it seemed like it was headed for sex, but he stopped and said that he knew that the meaning of sex was different for men and women, and that being in love was something that he just couldn't offer. He asked me to stay the night with him, and I did, and we fooled around.

Since then he's invited me to his place a few times and he'll cook for me, and I'll stay the night at his place. Not all the time or every week though, but he'd maintain contact through text. He's treated me with nothing but respect and we get along great. A month ago I went to his place for dinner and we ended up having sex, he knew it was my first time. He was very attentive to me and it seemed like he really wanted to make it nice for me. I met up with him two weeks after that to go out, we had an honest talk about life and some things we were going through, and after that we had sex again. He left for the holidays and has come back, and has been texting me every couple of days to see how I am doing.

So my question is, what is this guy's deal? Does he just want sex? Does he look at me as a friends with benefits? Does he respect me? Does he want more than just a physical connection? Is he looking for something more?

View related questions: exchanged numbers, friend with benefits, kissing, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

I think the 1st night said it all. You gave in to sexual play on the same night you met him. He doesn't have any respect for you, but he's keeping you around until he meets someone he respects.

He knows it's wrong, but he's in denial.

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A female reader, SexyFace United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2009):

SexyFace agony aunthun i think you just need to talk to him and ask him how he feel guys are hard to work out i know this as they guy im with is very hard work i been with him 3 years stil trying to work him so what i can say is ask him talk to nhim coz you cant let this eat away at you you seem to really like this guy and if your not sure about anything then u need to let him before anyone gets hurt

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A female reader, Susan Walsh United States +, writes (9 January 2009):

He actually sounds like a decent guy - he's been honest from the start, and it sounds like the two of you really enjoy spending time together. I do think you risk getting really hurt with him, though. I believe in taking guys at their word, and since he has said point blank that he doesn't want a committed relationship, I think you have to believe him. It sounds like such a waste, but if has nothing to offer you will only be miserable. I would tell him that you are looking for something different. If he has developed feelings for you, he won't let you get away. If he remains determined to not get involved, you're much better off learning that now.

www.HookingUpSmart.com

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A female reader, Dani28 Ireland +, writes (9 January 2009):

Most of these replies are quite negative, isnt it possible that yes maybe at the beginning he didnt want anything more than just sex? is it not possible now that u have spent time together doing normal things, having nice chats that maybe he is interested and has come respect you? im not sure on this one. Be careful though. message me if u would like to chat

tc xoxox

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

It doesn't seem like you really cared before having sex with him ... sure he's nice and all, but did he really say was looking for something serious with you before the sex part? after? ... probably he just wants to have his options open :D

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

Thanks, Griffo...

anyone else have any advice or insight to give into this situation? I'd really appreciate it, especially from any other males out there.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

He proabaly does respect you, and he likes you as a friend. But nothing more he just wants to screw you. Its the sadd truth. He was being straight forward when he said he just wanted to have fun. So there's your answer.

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A male reader, Griffo Australia +, writes (9 January 2009):

Griffo agony auntI think you need to always ask yourself "What do I want" think about what you want if you wanna fall in love, well tell him thats what you want, and if he can't provide it because he does not have the balls to give or show it then find someone who is willing to. don't waist your time with these holdbacks.

It seems to me he is one of those blokes that simply cannot give it, but this is not to say he is playing games with you he also might really like you as well and is just confused about it all.

You need to communicate with him flat out about it.

Sometimes though, people do not like to talk about love in a relationship, especially in the beginning because it can seem to top heavy, but those sorts are usually afraid of something and are cutting the grass to short, love is great and should be experienced as often as possible.

My take is he likes you and probably even loves you but wont admit it quiet yet. just keep going and enjoy ;)

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A female reader, shortylove United States +, writes (9 January 2009):

He told you that he just wanted to have fun. When a guy says that usually they mean the dont want anything serious. If i were you i'd say cut the sex off until you see he commits.

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A female reader, shortylove United States +, writes (9 January 2009):

Well he answered your question he told you that he was looking to have fun meaning hes not really looking for anything serious. However doesnt mean that he will end up gaining feelings for you and eventually want a realtionship. If I were you i would stop having sex becasue he may get use to having sex with no relationship so give him a chase..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

Well he answered your question he told you that he was only looking to have fun. Meaning he just wants the friends with benefits and nothing more. However he may end up really liking you and want somethimg more. If I were you don't contine to have sex unless you know that you won't let yourself get to attachec

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