A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, What do people think about the "no contact" route in relationships. One moment, he or she is there, the next they are AWOL. And I mean AWOL. From texting and calling everyday to total zero acknowledgement. I've had it done to me and I think it's rude and disrespectful. I'm wondering what people think about this style of behaviour? Have you done this or had it done to you? I'd be very interested to know if anyone has been hurt or upset by this at all. Thank you all x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): You sound exactly like the guy I am dating and I am on the other end of the stick. Here it goes -- I have been dating someone for about two months give or take. He recently told me that he would call me when he got off of work and then absolutely nothing - no call, no text message, no email. I am like....what the hell is going on? A part of me wants to send him a text message but there is another part of me that is saying - geez if he wanted to contact me then he would - after all he is the man and we ladies are told all the time to "let the man be the one to be in pursuit" - So, being the women on the side of this AWOL - is it true that she could say the same for you? Did you not call her when you said you would - is there any reason that she would feel that some how it is "your turn" to get in touch.
You are the Man of the relationship and many women "test" their guy to see if he will "go after" them - eg will he be worthy -- and many women are told that they will be "devalued" by the guy if they initiate the calls (eg the book "Calling Men" which says - don't do it. So, if you really like this girl (geez it may even be me - this would be like Copa Cabana by Barry Manilow when they both run personal adds and hook up with eachother (the ex girlfriend and boyfriend) -- anyhow if it was (and if it is me) that is your "girl" then GO AFTER HER - BE THE MAN.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (15 July 2008):
 Sorry - my brain isn't in gear. You are a man!! So you know what I was talking about, perhaps.
I think the key is 'no warning'. If someone says they want to split up with you, sorry, and that's that - in that scenario I think no contact is often the best thing. But if someone just suddenly stops responding, that's not good. Unless you did something really terrible??
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (15 July 2008):
I think it is totally horrible and it is quite normal to be upset by it. Men tend to do it most - they think it gives the clearest signal as to their feelings, and, frankly, why waste any more time leading someone up the garden path if you don't want them? (that is their thinking!!)
But to have it done to you is very unpleasant. It depends a bit on how long the relationship lasted, though, and what it involved. If someone doesn't reply after a one night stand, I suppose that's ok, but not after any more than that.
I'm very sorry if it's been done to you - just try to forget about it and move on. It is very bad behaviour and you don't need someone who behaves like that around you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Of course. I've had it done to me. A couple of times. Sure it stings a bit. But its only been done to me by guys who I was dating but we never got serious. You know, you date them for a few weeks, and maybe then they realise that you are not their type or whatever, and they just stop calling altogether, without giving you a heads up. But its never been done to me by an actual boyfriend who loved me. But honestly, yes its shitty, but since we were not serious just yet, its not like I had my heart invested in these guys. We were just dating, nothing more. And both of the guys who did it to me ended up calling after some time had gone by to apologize for their behavior. But at that point it was too little too late. And I myself have done it to guys too. But, again, always in the initial dating period. You date them for a few weeks and you're over it and you just stop contacting them. I don't think its that big of a deal, honestly. And it is very common in the dating world. I have never done it to an actual boyfriend who I loved, though. That's different. Break up "speeches" are usually saved for someone you are seriously involved with, not someone you just met and are casually dating. So while yes I think it is shitty and you should not tolerate it and you really should move on and never look back, but the extent of your hurt shouldn't be all that bad, in my opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Are you talking about being in a relationship with someone
who doesn't let you have contact with other people?I think
it's extremely rude for someone to limit your time with the
people you love.I mean,if my man didn't let me have contact
with my friends,I would be extremely pissed.And if it went as far as my family,oh,he would have to go!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
 Well, I always recommend a clean break when people split up and they aren't either married or have children together, mainly because I think that it's fuzzy thinking to try to "remain friends" when you were never "friends" to begin with. You were lovers. Trying to remain friends would include welcome new partners into the equation, and that is usually a painful experience, especially to the lover who was dumped.
I didn't quite understand your experience, however. Did this person up and leave without a final goodbye or a parting scene? If they walked away without even an explanation, that's pretty shoddy. If the two of you were truly involved and then she just disappeared, that's kind of the cowards way out.
It could also show anger or disapproval at something that either YOU did, specifically, or something that went down between you. If it's been pretty clear "white noise" for more than a two weeks, I think her answer is pretty clear that she is done and doesn't want to see you.
If I were you, I wouldn't dignify this pretty poor behavior with any kind of a response, however. Two wrongs never make a right. Chalk it up to a learning experience, and if it hurt your feelings or pissed you off, remember not to treat anyone this way because you know how wrong it was. She might not know how to behave when a relationship ends, but you can big the bigger person and never resort to using this kind of hurtful behavior, because you don't wish it on anyone else. Good for you and good luck, Hun.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (15 July 2008):
 It depends on context, if you are talking about being in a relationship then I would tend to agree with you but I think there can be benefits when it is an ex; although I would tend to feel that even in that case the other person should inform the other that is what they are doing and why. If they do that and you txt and call and they dont reply you cant say that you havent been warned.
No contact can work if the break-up is messy and is genrating more heat than light though I know objectively I would probably be hurt if it was done to me with no warning. However, if you are in a relationship with this person then to me it would depend on span and context again, objectively there are circumstances where somebody just cant get in contact but they really should try; if it was a break in an established pattern it would worry me to be honest and make me think something was amiss (not that this would always be the case). What you should do about it depends, again, you guessed it on context.
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