A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What do men mean when they describe their wives or girlfriends as "controlling"? If a man isn't exactly complaining, yet that is the 1st word he uses to describe the wife/GF, is this a compliment? Hate to sound so stupid, but I'm serious and need to know. THANKSSSSS for any male insight. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (9 February 2008):
It is definitely not a compliment though some women would take it as such. I also agree that for many men it is a word that is used when they are chafing against the relationship or feeling some guilt over their own actions.
However a sound relationship is one built on trust, mutual respect, equality, and with each partner sharing the roles of leading or following from time to time.
In a relationship that psychologists would call controlling one partner is dominating the other to an unacceptable level. What is unacceptable - that is the subject of many books and ideas, but I would say that it starts when the wishes of the controlling partner are usually interpreted as being the wishes of the entire relationship.
Take a step back and consider it carefully. Maybe some of the problem is misunderstanding that has led to this point. Perhaps even consider a relationship counsellor.
Good luck
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (9 February 2008):
 Hi there,
No sadly it's not a compliment. Men use it all the time to describe wives and girlfriends. They will say that 'we' are controlling because we attach conditions to things and want them to do things that we want to do. Ofcourse when the relationship is going well men won't comment on this at all and are happy to go along with things but when they are not pleased for whatever reason its the first thing they use. It is normally followed by the woman being described as 'crazy'. Try and find out exactly what he classes as you controlling. If you can defend this in any way all well and good but normally the woman isn't really doing anything wrong the man is saying tis word to cover other issues. My husband used to use this in the area that I wanted to control all outcomes , that I was afraid of the unknown so would try and control all eventual outcomes to cover my fears. It got to the stage where if I even asked him to make a restaurant booking it was deemed as controlling.
If you are being a bit 'needy' back off for a while, give him some space and let him get on with what he wants to do with no suggestions on your behalf. If you are still in love and lust with each other this will go away.
All the best
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (9 February 2008):
 Picking out one single word in anyone's speech and using it in isolation to come to a conclusion would be a huge, huge, huge mistake.
(Are you a journalist by any chance?)
Ask the person to elaborate.
Take care, Richard
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (9 February 2008):
 A controlling woman is not to be confused with a woman who will take charge of things.Depending on the task at hand there are times that someone needs to step in and coordinate all the keeping the unit running like A well oiled machine. Especially when it involves the herding of children. Eons of evolution prompts this and men instinctively fall in.No man should consider this an affront to his masculinity. But there are women that will turn things into a never ending power struggle. They don't want to lead. They want to bully. They don't have the tools for physical confrontation so they must resort to manipulation. They cry or scream or say nothing at all till the guy around her has no clue what she wants or why shes pissed and no clue how to fix it. These are generalities and extremes. They can't be over the top all the time. No one would stand for it. So its toned down./
It's subtle.Its a furtive glance only the husband can see. But he immediately knows he has a long night ahead. The boundries and lines of demarcation are always in transit. If they were fixed the guy would always slide right up to just this side of being in inviolation and pitch a tent. But the guy never knows exactly where he will draw fire so he errs to the side of caution and becomes pussy whipped. He has lost the power in this relationship. He can resign to live like this. Or go and start over and pay more attention in the begining when the rules of engagement are being hammered out. Most women who take complete controll will not relinquish any of their power. Ever Of course there are plenty of women who would never think of using tactics like these. But no one calls them controlling
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 February 2008):
 Forgot to add. It can be a compliment to her or it could just be a matter of fact.There is no negative connotations. It is the way of life for them when the men get married.
Before marriage, the men are like wild stallions , roaming the world.
After marriage , they cannot roam anymore and become more domesticated.
Before , they had no worries at all but after marriage, they start to worry about their futures.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (9 February 2008):
Whether she is in fact controlling or not , once a man marries, he is no more free to do as he pleases. He has to think of her and subconsciously , it is a form of control because he cannot do as he liked when he was single.
The other controlling women are those who imposed curfews on their husbands or they need to get her permissions if they wanted to do some things or anything.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (9 February 2008):
 I think its natural for most women to be controlling. I dont know if you can call it a compliment ...I would call it a basic trait. In any case i can't begin to understand it.
Interestingly, you sound like a controlling woman for even asking this quesstion! Trying to get an answer to a question that men find difficult to answer honestly without hurting feelings is one of those controlling things women love to do. I know I'm evil for saying that but I couldn't resist!
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A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (9 February 2008):
 Nope not a compliment. It means they have a leash on them, and choose weather or not their able to decide for themselves.
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