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What do I tell him if he asks to have sex with me again? I'm 18, he's 49 and married with kids!!!

Tagged as: Age differences, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 April 2007) 9 Answers - (Newest, 7 May 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

i am soooo in need of ANYONES help! i've never been in a situation like this. ok here it goes... lets just start off by saying that i can get very flirtacious and get carried away.. its kinda sad but yea. anyway so my manager at the place i work at is 49 years old and im 18. (older than my ownnnn dad) ive been constantly flirting with him only because he does it to me first and yea we met up after work last night , he put the first move on me and ended up 69ing each other in his car. hes married and has kids my age from his first marriage. i feel like an asshole and yes you can all call me one because i am so ashamed of myself.. in fact, if it'll even do me any good, im going to confession tomorrow and ask for forgiveness.. this shows how extremely shitty i feel right now. HELP!! WTF DO I DO?? i see him again in a few days ...what if he wants to meet up again should i tell him that this is totally wrong and to remind him that hes.. umm hello? ..married

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A female reader, miss fit United Kingdom +, writes (7 May 2007):

damn right you should remind him he is married, and tell him that if he can't give you proof he hasn't given you an STD then talk to the wife. . .

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A female reader, Keria United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2007):

This is addressed to the aunts.

Why are you so judgemental against this man? Why is he the one in the wrong, as though more than her. She knew he is married with kids. The bulls*&t story that managers somehow have power over people does not hold especially in this case. The questioner has admited to being a flirty person. There was no promise of promotion. No promise of payraise, no threat of being fired. If a wrong was committed here, both are in the same boat.

There are two sides to each story. Now, you have no idea what was going on in that man's head. You have no idea what goes on his marriage. Nothing. Nada. Rien. It is never a wise idea to have sex with someone you work with. But that bad choice does not warrant all the things said that are based on assumptions and predjudice.

Now, to the questioner, Yes, if you do not want to have sex with him again, tell him so. Tell him YOU believe it was wrong, and you felt guilty about it, and will not be doing it again. Tell him you don't want him to come on to you again. If he does, then you can threaten him that you will report him higher up. If you can still work with him after this, then great. Otherwise, it is up to you to find another place to work. There is no point in reporting him unless he did in fact threaten or coerce you in some way.

I know it is difficult to detect tone of voice in text.. I'm speaking this kindly to you.

Not so kindly to the accusing aunts who are ready to bash a man who doesn't fit their mould.

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A female reader, AngelofLove United Kingdom +, writes (29 April 2007):

AngelofLove agony auntEveryone makes mistakes but you now have the choice between acting like an ass or being one.

You may have been lonely, vulnerable or needy. Whatever the reason is it no excuse. Every mistake is an opportunity to become a better person.

What is important is that you recognize it is wrong and are willing to use your head to put a stop to it.

Be strong as you have created an awkard situation for yourself as not only you work together but he is your manager.

As to the flirting, it does not matters who does it first, as your reciprocated, you are to blame as much.

He did wrong as he abused his position of power, is married, has kids and is a lot older. Should be a lot wiser but two wrongs do not make a right. It is up to him to regret his actions.

Where your responsibility lies to yourself is to put a stop to it now, find another job and learn from this lesson.

Also think about the wife with the kids at home. One day, that could be you.

Forgiveness is only given if you change your ways.

Hope you make the right decision and find someone more suitable for you.

Angel of Love

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A female reader, MamaMia United States +, writes (29 April 2007):

You are worth so much more than to be used this way. I was 19 and had a relationship with a 40 yr old man...I now have a 14 yr old son from that relationship... this guy went back to his ex-wife and I left the state. I never went after him for child support, but when I DID need something, the couple of times I called, the man wanted NOTHING to do with me. Now that my son is 14 and an awesome kid(struggling as a single mom made me grow up alot), this man has expressed many regrets, but he can never be "Daddy" to my son...we've moved on...But looking back, he was a LOUSEY user and I was naive. I agree with everyone else... find another job...I also think this could get DANGEROUS if you were to ever threaten him, or if he THINKS your a threat. He's in a higher position than you are... he has much more to loose at that job. You are ONLY an object to him... he has no respect for you...LOOK how he treats his own WIFE! NOthing is lower than this guy...and YOU were with him! And just think of what his wife and kids would think of YOU if they knew everything! Is that who you want to be? You need to have more self respect than to be available to such an inappropriate situation. Why would you need the attention of someone ELSE's man? The road you are on is going to lead to unhappiness. Can't you be beautiful and confident and a strong woman without making UNWISE choices? If you weren't a "daddy's girl", then you werent made to feel valuable in his eyes, and now you need to see your worth through ANY man's eyes... You need to realize that the need in you, to be flirtatious, will NOT lead you to GOOD MEN who will EVER respect you. This is probably not the first man who has taken advantage of your lack of inner strength and unless you learn to find your value elsewhere, he won't be the last. Allowing yourself to be used is NOT taking care of yourself and LOVING YOURSELF. The more you give in to things like this, the easier it gets and the less conscience you have...Don't walk down that road and harden yourself to your conscience. You will have depression if you allow yourself to be used by men. Let this situation scare you enough to look hard at yourself and learn why you would do what you did, and don't give in to things you KNOW aren't right. Stay strong, live SMART and LOVE YOURSELF! God Bless, Mia

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A female reader, Nichole United States +, writes (29 April 2007):

First of all I dont think that your the first girl that he has cheated on his wife with and you mostlikley wont be the last. I think like most have said that you should put a resignation in asap because he is definetly thinking that he can get some when he wants now. And if you dont want to quit your job then your going to have to deal with the issue more and try to avoid being alone with him. Its actually going to be very hard for you to work there with him after having sex with him. My best advice is to quit. If you stay just remeber he could make it very bad for you there until either you quit or you have sex with him again. Like I said before if I had made that mistake I would quit and not deal with the drama.

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A female reader, heartxbrokenxgurl United States +, writes (29 April 2007):

heartxbrokenxgurl agony aunti agree with irish49 i mean also if he does make another move n gets u pregant wut will you do then just quit the job he will not leave you alone he wants to have sex with you prbably cuz ur young n it will make him feel young again but dont let him and dont let yourself do that wut will you say if you had a kid and u your parents ?ed you "how did u get pregant" ur parents might say then mayeb ull be like "oo with my boss who is 49 " that will also get messy trust me do not take it

good luck

jenna?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2007):

If I were you, I'd hand in my resignations asap and get the hell out of there. Find a new job. This man is a cad and he will not leave you alone. He will want more and you know that, full well. This will get messy. And you also know now, if he wants to have sex with you, it doesn't mean he even likes you; it just means he wants to have sex with you. You are not the first young woman that turned a older married man's head. These type of guys always, always have unsavory motives for seeking out women your age. But most women your age, use their head and run like hell from a situation like this. We know this guy should've known better, he was very inappropriate but I am very worried about you. Why did you allow this? There clearly was a conscious disregard of appropriate sexual boundaries, on your part here and you need to ask yourself why you did this? I am not trying to be hard on you...I just want you to be aware of 'why' you allowed this. Please look hard at what caused you to make this very poor choice. Even if this was just your first time, this was a crazy, compulsive act and you have to be aware of your neediness for attention..any type of attention....that could really be behind this. Was this just a curiosity on your part or were you honestly wanting "love" and that good buzz of making this guy salivate over you. If it was, you have to take responsibility for something in you that allowed this to take place. This could be the beginning what many people describe as an addiction to the yearning or euphoria of romance, but has little to do with love. I am not implying this is a problem, in your case but something made you forget your principles, momentarily. We know he's an ass, but you need to be be aware of your own behavior that helped to contribute this situation, to begin with. Sometimes, the elements of an insidious sex compulsion in women are the same as in any addiction: continuation in inappropriate sexual behaviors despite adverse consequences. Please be aware of that, don't be one of those gals. You have huge regrets and misgivings for what happened-that ius a good sign. Learn from this and in the future, if you are ever tempted to do something like this again...resist and get some counseling. As far as your situation goes, you could tell him there will be no more sex, whatsoever. That would be best but do you think he'll stop. Not likely. The only way to resolve this, is to get a new job, and as far away as possible from this man.

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A female reader, beautifulllove United States +, writes (29 April 2007):

beautifulllove agony aunti say just tell him that you made a mistake which it seems you have and your not an ass hole so dont call your self that and i wont either but anyways i think sweetie that you need to take a deep breath and try to be calm and explain that hes age and just almost everything bothers you and that you do not wish to have more than a work relationship and if he doesnt understand i say you should quit because its going to be to stressful

good luck xoxo

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States +, writes (29 April 2007):

TasteofIndia agony auntYes. Yes, you can tell him that it's totally wrong and remind him that he's married.

I'm not going to ream you out for getting a little frisky with your manager. You know that it wasn't a great thing to do, good for you. However, if you let yourself succumb AGAIN, then shame on you.

If he tries anything with you again, you need to be REALLY clear in saying that you're NOT interested. Personally, I would call him out on the fact that he's a jerk and he chould be home with his kids and wife, not hooking up with you. You can call him a creep even if he is your manager. Hell, you could get him fired for having sex with his employees!

Let him have it girl. Go ahead and tell him that he's doing wrong and you don't want to be a part of an affair. You know you're worth more than that, girlfriend!

Good luck, sweetness. Stay strong!

xxIndia

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