A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for twenty years and although I love my husband there has never been the chemistry that I had before him in another relationships. Even at the beginning with my husband it wasn't there , yet I had been in previous relationships of several years where I felt more. However, we got in well and it seemed like a good match so we married . Now we are separated , mainly because I felt that we lived as roommates. Throughout our marriage he had shown interest in other women , yet never had an affair and we had undergone some counselling . So I can't help but assume that the chemistry wasn't really there for him either. He never really seemed 'into me ' physically, if that makes sense , although I know he admires and respects me as a person as I do him In all respects the marriage was good and we made a solid life , yet there was zero passion there . Sex but zero passion , despite repeated attempts at holidays and time together. I have now met someone else who makes my heart flutter However I realise it's all new and I'm not getting caught up in it ... But it makes me realise there is more out there My husband wants me to go back to him and the temptation to go back to that safe comfortable life is strong I admit but I know I will give up any hope of even having any connection or passion in my life .... But part of me thinks I'm too old for that anyway and I'm being silly . What do I do ? Go back to a safe comfortable marriage with a kind man and be unhappy or take a chance on a dream that may never come true ... Especially at my age
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): This post could have been written by me a year ago. I have been in your position. The exact same position in fact aside from age differences. I had a marriage I was comfortable in. We got along on many logical levels, agreed on money, had a decent time hanging out, had sex but no passion. I questioned whether I loved him from the start but figured this is what marriage is- people who get along. Passion and love don't last forever, it's fairy tale crap a d movie nonsense. So I stifled my feelings and romantic notions and settled for what I had, comfort and stability and a kind, honest man. We ended up separated. The lack of passion and love got to me. I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life this way, just settling for less than what I wanted. He has his issues with the relationship too. During the separation I met another man. He was passionate and romantic. I felt things I hadn't felt since before my husband. It became a very tough time for me. My husband was back and wanting to try to make the marriage work. The other guy loved me and I felt love for him too but had obligations to my marriage. It sounds so simple now just typing it out, but at the time it was heart wrenching. Months of uncertainty and back and forth feelings.So what did I do? I asked a question on dearcupid. I got mixed answers. Some said to stick with marriage, some said to go for the new guy. But one person asked me to forget the other guy completely. She said to focus on my marriage only and ask myself "would I be happy with the man for the rest of my life?" My answer was no. I did not want to give up on my chance of passion and romance for the rest of my life. Even if this new guy didn't work out, I would still be happier with the option of meeting other men who made my heart flutter than I would be settling for comfort with my husband. So I made the decision for divorce. And decided to see where it would go with the other man. I am still in a relationship with the other guy, weird to call him that now when it's going on a year with him. I feel love for him that I never felt with my husband, ever. I feel crazy for ever having gotten married without these feelings. He's a difficult man to love, it's far from the perfect relationship, but god is it worth it. And even now if we were to break up tomorrow, I would never regret my decision to leave my ex husband. I won't ever settle for comfort ever again. It simply isn't living life. I was a traditionalist too and that was part of why I needed my marriage to stay together. Marriage is forever I thought, so I have to force myself to stay in this unhappy position. It's my duty. It was in my vows. Well life isn't like that. People change and people make mistakes. We shouldn't have to live with them forever when we can get out. It doesn't make you a terrible person to get a divorce (that's what I honestly believed). You just don't want to waste your life away... Love is worth the risk. And you are never too old to fall in love with someone or have those high school feelings. Don't let age stop you, that's ridiculous. Go for it. As clichéd as I will sound, life is too short.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): OP here , some great advice here and Thankyou to those who have already responded . To the last writer , we have actually already seperated and if was not because of the other man who I met now . We seperated because there simply was nothing there and it honestly came to the point I didn't want him touching me :(
I'm still so confused and I see even with all this great advice opinions vary greatly . There are huge pressures to stay yet my heart is not in it
I would really appreciate any further advice anyone may have as everyone so far has been giving me much to think about
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll  +, writes (24 July 2014):
 you say you love your husband , but are thinking of walking out on him? you know you have two choice's stay or leave it is totally up to you.
you are enticed to see what is out there. to see if the grass is greener on the other side. once you go through the door your life , your marriage will not be the same no more. trust will be broken.
you have been married for twenty years and ready to throw that away? you can work on your marriage to make it better, it will take both of you. and marriage counseling to help.
"i have now met someone else that makes my heart flutter." what happens after the new wears off? you have just met him, and are ready to dump your marriage, with someone you hardly know?
"what do i do? go back to a safe comfortable marriage.... or take a chance on a dream that may never come true ..." any thing worth having is worth fixing , investing to make it better. you can take the chance but be ready for your life to be different and more than likely no going back.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 July 2014):
 Follow your dream. Go for passion. You only live once. You know what life in the marriage is like, but you dont know where this passion may take you. Dont live life with regrets. Dont settle for less. Always follow your dream, so that even if you fail, you can at keast say you tried. You are never too old.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): Your age is bracketed on this site as being between 41 and 50. I do think that this is an example of where the bracket itself should be more like 41-45 and then 45-50. It's just not fair that society is so ageiest anyway, but I still think that between 41 and 45 there's a massive difference between 45 and 50. Personally, I still think 50 is very young anyway - as I said, I hate ageism of any kind.
I think this is partly what you are confronting; the idea that you are "too old" to enjoy a "flutter". I do think it's very, very unfair that society makes women, especially, feel this way. Your natural body might be telling you something very different to the messages you've received by society, which are pretty much that you must 'toe the line' and remain in the safety of marriage. This is where marriage is really an economic mechanism, designed to stabilise society so that people are less inclined to do what comes naturally and instead just conform.
You don't have to be an out and out rebel; you could have a love affair and see where it takes you. If you had the financial freedom to do so, and it was just normal and healthy for women to seek new love after 40, then I think you would just do it and enjoy it. As it is, you're trying to be realistic given the way that society is geared, and to accept conforming to the marriage. From a slightly different perspective: you went into the marriage knowing there wasn't much chemistry, but you wanted the safety of it. You are regretting it in some ways now, but also it is probably ultimately all that you can handle and you might be best making the most of it.
It does seem you've never talked directly with your husband about the 'chemistry' issue. Chemistry can surprise us, turning up where we least expect it. I think it's possible that both of you would benefit from more excitement in the marriage both as individuals and together - not necessarily sexual, just fun and sensual pleasures like travel. maybe get marriage counselling and take it from there.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 July 2014):
 I would go back to a safe comfortable marriage with a kind man but be happy. You are miserable now because you are stuck. If you want to feel free then see that with whatever choice you make you can be happy with it. I would adhere to the principle which is choose the path with the least resistance. You are not roommates. Roommates don't have sex. Roommates won't urge to work on the marriage. You are not too old. My mom was 63 or 64 when she was in an emotional affair. She's even surprised herself. She stayed in the marriage and she's happy.
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