A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice ok.I've been married for four years and we fought off and on and we have 3 children together. Four months ago my husband said he was going for a walk but never came back. Three days later I found out he left me for another women who happened to be his ex. But it all stated four years ago when he and I were fighting and he wanted to take some space and I said fine but at that time we only had one daughter and she was a daddy's girl and did everything with him.So when we had the fight he walked out,said he was taking space. He went down the stairs our daughter saw him and she was crying for him,but he kept going.When he got outside she saw him from her window this time she was banging and screaming for him he looked at her and kept going. He took off for three days and it was hard on her she cried for him and she would cry so hard that she vomited so I had to take her to our room just so she could sleep. No phone call or anything to check on herAfter three days I got a email to come and get him.When I told our daughter that we're going to pick up daddy she said nothing.When we got there she wouldn't look at him or talk to him,it took a whole day and night for her to talk to him. This kept happening over and over to the point I was following him,calling him every five mins,because I didn't trust him.I was insecure I didn't know how to feel and every time he took off It affects our 3 children and when he came back after days from taking off I would ask him who he was with and he would tell me it was none of my business.I am his wife but that didn't matter.When the state found out what was going on they took all three children and we had visits with them.We had to do services to get them back and he was doing them and I was too.But in the meantime I told him he could go out a few times a week for a few hours and he felt I was controlling him not giving him his own time and space manipulating him.I guess I was doing that because I didn't trust him but it was still wrong of me to do. And I regret it now. He stopped seeing the kids and he signed over his parental rights to the kids and walked out of our lives for goodMy kids ages now 4,3,20 mos. And its hard on my 3 kids.I have two girls and one boy. my husband left me. He took all the freezer food and utensils,pots and pan,dishes and I couldn't afford the apartment alone so I had to stay with friends so I could save money for a placeThough eventually I found a place of my own.In the meantime he and his girlfriend live with his mom. But I'm still doing everything to get my kids home alone. He put his friends and girlfriend before his kids and I hate him for that and we haven't spoke to each other for months. So what do you think I should do? Was I to blame for him taking off But in the end he never checking on any of his kids. He went back to his ex and he see's his other kids from his first marriage. I gave up a lot for him and in the end my kids suffered. I'm not saying I'm perfect I do make mistakes, but normal spouses when they need space then come back and talk about it he would never talk about it. So I'm hurt,confused,angry,lonely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): The pain u feel is shared by too many woman. He's gone, now lock the door to you that leads to your heart. He wants no connection with u or ur kids. Please pick yourself up. He isn't a loss. He neglected your kids, and he neglected u. He betrayed your kids as well as u. He divorced u and ur kids. This man is no one to mourn over. He is a selfish boy. You deserve much more. Glad he did walk out for good. No man should ever come before ur kids or ur health. N clearly he wasn't caring about ur physical or emotional state. Don't be confused, understand this happened to draw u closer to ur children. Don't be angry because u just gotten rid of a lasting migraine. Don't be lonely because he was never there to comfort u when u were there. Be thankful. Your young, smart, beautiful, and this didn't kill u. It made u realize just the type of man he is and he is no man that can father ur children or share a lifetime with u. Be hopeful, your future is much brighter without him.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 December 2012):
 Cripes, this is easy....
Put this lout behind you.... and get on with your life ("lives," actually.... you and your kids)....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (23 December 2012):
 I could go down the list and point out each mistake and how I think it could have been handled differently, but instead I will just get to what I think is the source of your problems.
'I gave up a lot for him...' When you give up a lot for someone you become dependent on that person for your happiness. The more you depend on that person, the less in control you feel. You then try to compensate for that lack of power and control in your own life by trying to assume more control of theirs. You never really get enough and they feel smothered and resentful.
Let's use an analogy. Let's say you had a lot of money prior to meeting your husband and you then gave it all to him to handle. Naturally, you would start checking up on him, questioning him and wanting regular reports of how he is spending your money. He would then feel pressured, cornered, and become angry and withdraw from you. Withdrawing from you would leave you even more vulnerable so you'd cling even tighter until he couldn't breathe and would have to leave.
On the other hand, if you'd kept your money and used it wisely for you and your children, you'd be less concerned about what he did because you'd feel secure in the knowledge that whatever he did, you and your children are taken care of. Make sense?
The lesson to be learned is you don't give up whatever it is you've been giving up for the sake of a relationship. If you have to do that to keep someone in your life, then they are not compatible.
By the way, I am not implying it was your fault that your husband left or how he left. That was his choice and it was a very poor one. I'm pointing out that by 'giving up alot' you leave yourself vulnerable and saddle others with unreasonable expectations.
There had to have been a lot more going on for the state to intervene and remove your children. They weren't taken away from you simply because you two kept breaking up and getting back together.
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