| A
age
30-35,
*
writes: I have been in a long distance relationship for several months now. He is in the military and has a great deal of responsibilities and the majority of his day majorly structured and planned out for him. I work full time, but have a good deal of flexibility and time off. We text daily (9 times out of 10, initiated by him) and he calls me several times a week even though I want to talk daily on the phone. This is the best relationship I've ever been in, and the longest. I have diagnosed anxiety and panic. I seem to overthink and ruin most of the relationships I'm in. I am on medication and am working inconsistently with a therapist. However, I obsess about and overanalyze every aspect of our relationship. If he doesn't respond within a certain amount of time or call me, I freak out. I work really hard not to tell him because I know that isn't fair. Then when I do hear from him, I get kind of frosty. If he asks what's wrong, I pretend nothing is. It's incredibly childish, but I feel guilty for being so hard on him. It's almost daily that I find some reason to be mad- if he would just do this one thing differently, then I would be happy etc. I have WAY too high expectations. He treats me well, loves me, coordinates visits nearly every weekend, and is close to my family and I to his. In April, he will be back in the same town as me for good. I realize I am a control freak and worry and stress about everything. But I am afraid to scare HIM off and run him off in the process. I know being controlling in the relationship isn't healthy. I can't keep him like a puppet on a string. It doesn't make me happy and I know it isn't fair to him- especially with so much going on. I want him to love and miss me- not feel that I am one more thing on his to-do list. What can I do to NOT be a control freak and be the best girlfriend I can?
View related questions:
long distance, military, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (24 October 2015):
In the event that you do freak out, refrain from dumping your feelings on him and tell him things he does not deserve to hear. You are working on your issues with professional help which is fine but keep in mind that this is your problem, and you need to protect him in the relationship as well since he is going out his way and giving you 110%. I promise you that he does it because he chooses to, so you should apply yourself accordingly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2015): Get on with your own life and interests and give yourself other things to think about besides obsessing over your boyf.Build a life that keep you occupied aside from the relationship so you won't pin all your thoughts on this relationship being the center of everything.
I have suffered with anxiety issues myself and took medication at my lowest point I was not capable of having a relationship and did not wish to project my issues onto someone else. I am of the opinion you should be healthy yourself before trying to have a healthy relationship. Otherwise big suprise you are probably going to have problems. Anxiety can be very damaging to your physical health as well (something I discovered) if you are having daily worries over small things as you say you are, you need to think about your own health and wellbeing above the relationship. If your worrying starts to have serious physical side effects your boyf leaving you will be the least of your worries. Just something to think about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): "I am on medication and am working inconsistently with a therapist."
You have to take your medicines and be "consistent" with your therapy; because your condition needs monitoring. I do think it is good for you to try your best on your own; but sometimes your symptoms overrule your self-control, and you really can't help yourself. You need help.
Treating others as you want to be treated is a good rule to live by. You want patience, kindness, gentle-handling, forgiveness, and affection. So that's what you give to earn it.
If you are aware of certain behaviors bad for your relationships, that's where you put the most effort to correct those actions that you know were surely detrimental to your past relationships. You're an intelligent person, and you know right from wrong.
Life is a challenge for you. You want a happy and complex adult relationship. So you have to work harder than someone who doesn't have anxiety and panic disorder. It isn't easy for anyone; but people with psychological and emotional disorders have to be very careful of biting off more than they can chew. That is, when you choose to take on a huge challenge like handling a romance. You have to know and consider your limitations. Being careful not to place yourself in situations that cause you too much stress.
If it has lasted longer than other relationships, you're doing something right. He may be more of the right person for you to begin with. Ask your therapist about exercises to help you when the anxiety builds; and how to diffuse your anxiousness. How to subdue your panic.
His reaction will correct you when you're out of order. He's a soldier and a man; so he can take care of himself. He gets barked at all the time; only you don't want it from your girlfriend or spouse. If you don't want a bad reaction, you avoid doing the things to set it off.
That's common-sense. You are still human, and you have faults and weaknesses. So does he. He's not perfect either.
Don't aim for perfection, aim for the best you can be. Don't set standards of behavior you will never be able to to achieve. If you know you're acting up, put a lid on it; or see your therapist. Take your medicine as prescribed, and let your boyfriend know you are doing your best.
Remember this. All of your behavior is not attributed to your disorders. Some of it is natural human behavior and bad habits. Immaturity, being spoiled, and an overactive sense of entitlement. You do have some measure of control over this. You're an adult. The rest may beyond your control, and that's why you take medicine and see a therapist. Hopefully, as regularly as required!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 October 2015):
 What can I do to NOT be a control freak and be the best girlfriend I can?
----------------
By accepting the FACT that if you DO go down the "I need to control everything" you WILL lose him. Sooner or later.
By accepting that lying (yes telling him nothing is wrong, when obviously (even to him) something IS wrong) you are shooting yourself in the foot.
Fear is a GREAT motivator for many, but it is also their biggest Achilles heel.( vulnerability)
So I'd suggest you get more frequent with your therapist, maybe even consider some CBT, because you ARE showing some obsessive behaviors and the ONLY way to learn how to deal with them is getting the tools. Medication only works so far. They don't help you DEAL and work through the issues, they just take the edge off. So TALK to your therapist.
You say it isn't fair on him if you try and control stuff, well that IS true, but it's NOT fair on you either (to try and control everything) because YOU are driving yourself into a tizzy with imaginary scenarios when things doesn't go as YOU want it too.
The fact that you recognize that what you are doing isn't right is a start, but you NEED to follow that up with action.
...............................
|
