A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been together three years and the 1st year was perfect but since i fell pregnant all went down hill. We used to have sex regular now its once a month, he tells me i make him ill, i'm a bad mum, i moan too much, i'm no good at driving, i'm too happy at work etc Since i've been with him he has fallen out with a lot of my family and friends so i dont really see them any more and feel like i have no one to turn too. I truly love him and want to feel as special as he made me feel to begin with. i have been wrong because i haven't trusted him and accused him of things with other girls. He did lie at the beginning and i've held this against him. He used to be a cheat before we met and i'm scared he will again. He calls me names and has been violent a couple of times but says its because he's frustrated that i don't believe he loves me. i'm not happy but dont want to be without him, what can i do to make this work??? Nothing seems right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): Hi thereSo sorry you are going through this. I have been through it too. Every single thing that you mention about his behaviour is abuse. Emotional, verbal and physical abuse. It is also 100% calculated on his part. Abusive men have a fairly large arsenal of tactics that they choose from. They don't all work the same way, some will be verbally abusive but never lay a finger on you. Some won't tolerate you talking to anyone but them, but aren't bothered about housework. Your partner is exhibiting many aspects of abuse.1. He has isolated you from family and friends. He has done this on purpose so you have no back up. ALL DONE ON PURPOSE.2. Their behaviour often changes from the best man you ever met to the worst man you ever met, once you have committed to them in some way, marriage, children or living together. Once you have committed they figure you will not find it so easy to leave....especially without a network of friends and family. 3. They undermine your confidence by insulting you, telling you you're stupid etc so you lose judgement.4. They intimidate with violence so you don't confront them and become passive and quiet.5. They mix it up, so you never know which behaviour you're going to get, loved and looked after or beaten. This is a very effective way of throwing you off your centre and not knowing what's right and wrong any more. THIS IS ALL CALCULATED.Do you feel as though you are living with two different people? You can't do anything right? Where is the person you fell in love with? He can make you feel wonderful one minute and the worst human being that ever walked the earth the next? Are you always trying to defend your actions or your words, or worse still your body?Please, please understand this is serious. I understand only too well how confusing it is to be loved by this person one minute and hated the next. How hard it is to believe that all this is done on purpose, but I'm so sorry, it is. What taught me what was happening to me, was coming across a book on the subject that showed me what was happening and why. I read more and more and taught myself about all aspects. About why you form such a deep bond with a man who treats you so badly. It's a psychological phenomena that happens during abuse and it happens to the strongest, cleverest people, so don't beat yourself up about your feelings. What gets me mad more than anything are the people who have a go at the women for staying and giving them a further hard time when they have no idea what is happening to them mentally. How scary any kind of confrontation can be for them. None of this is your fault and if anyone gives you a hard time over this ignore them. They don't understand. Lucky for them. Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He has worked with abusive men for fifteen years and has leaned all their tactics. Your boyfriend's behaviour is all down there in black and white. Please read it, it will explain absolutely everything to you. Meanwhile, keep a low profile, don't let him see the book whatever you do and try and work out how to get away. Freedom programmes exist all over the country I believe for women who need help and protection. Look on the internet for one in your area. I don't want to scare you, but please educate yourself about abuse and act to get out as soon as you can.Best wishes and good luck xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): I do know deep down its not healthy, but the house is mine and i have no where to go and if i ask him to leave hes homeless, i work full time and he stays home and just drpps me off and picks me up, the car is mine too, i would be leaving him with nothing because he sold his home to pay money he owed people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): Why on earth do you want to make this work? This man has ground you down so far you think these issues are all your fault. He has a history of cheating, so quite naturally you would want reassurance that he's not. Even at the start of your relationship he lied, not a great start...But what I cannot ignore is the fact he has been violent. You have a child and you have a duty not to bring them up in a screwed up household. A violent, twisted, controlling man is no role model for your child. Telling you he's done it because you don't believe he loves you?! What a load of crap. If this man loved you he would never lay a finger on you. All couples disagree but violence is unacceptable and you should want more than that for yourself - and your child. Nothing seems right, that would be because it is not. You deserve better than this, he's a controlling nasty man and has even stopped your own family coming to see you. Bit by bit he has cut you off from friends and family until you have no one except him. I would make plans to leave without aletting him. You ring family and friends and see if someone can help by taking you in or help find somewhere for you to leave to. You need to confide in someone about this and have the support of them to see you through. Once you have a place to go, you go. Given his violence I would wait for him to be out at work or wherever he might go, and you pack the essentials and take you and you child to safety. You can leave him a note and ask that he only contacts you to arrange seeing his child - it would be easier if you had a friend or some mediator for him to contact so you don't have to deal with him. You must know in your heart what you have is not healthy and that you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): Discuss this with your doctor and ask for help. He is on a downward spiral of destruction and he is hellbent on isolating and undermining you and trying to blame you for it. A short answer will not do as this is going to become an increasingly worrying problem. Alternatively, grab your baby and clear off to your mums or elsewhere because he can control his behaviour but he chooses not to and you are starting to accept this as normal.
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