A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Not sure where to begin been with him 14 years and 3weeks ago out of the blue he tells me he doesnt love me the next day its you would be happier without me than its something else. i know there is no one else yet. He has asked for time to think things through wants to live as normal while he thinks. What can i do to make this easier on all of us we have a 5 year old Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten  + ♥, writes (19 July 2008):
 Hi
Its very rare for guys to come out with something like that if there ISNT someone else. Not slating men, but they are statistically far more likely to cross over their relationships than us females. Its just fact. Its preferrable for them to find someone new before ending the previous relationship.
You can do nothing but go along with what he is saying. There is no other option if you want to keep it civilised.
C xxxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): What a nightmare for you - you must feel completely shattered - I am so sorry. I don't have much advice on how to make things 'easier' on any of you, but wanted to share something. I am married to a man who I trusted completely - he is a good man, a loving partner. An intelligent man who has insight into himself and others most of the time, someone I felt was the life partner I had always searched for or dreamed of. Things weren't always perfect - but I relied on him, trusted him and felt completely secure in how he would treat me and our marriage. That was until I found the multiple text messages from his girlfriend one day - that was the day my whole world changed forever. He'd led a double life for months and I had no clue. I am not trying scare you - but just saying that even if you cannot imagine he would do something like cheat then you are wrong - even the very best people can make huge mistakes. It may not be this reason that has caused his behaviour/comments - but the other aunts are right - something has shifted - something has forced his hand...this kind of thing isn't something you just 'decide' overnight. He owes you an explanation - although he may not understand some of the motivations fully himself, but it is NOT fair for him to drop this bomb and leave you hanging with nothing but confusion and fear. If I were you I would not accept his 'offer' to live normally - as if you could! You're whole world has been shattered. Ask him to attend counselling with you, so you BOTH have an opportunity to talk and explore this - if he won;t then I think he needs to pack his bags.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (19 July 2008):
 I tend to agree with Q1605 that you should prepare for the worst case scenario. But try to work toward the best. Go ahead and call a marriage/couples counselor and set up an appointment. Your man should be working on whatever his issue is WITH you, not pfaffing around and pretending everything is normal, after he dropped such a bombshell.
It could be so many things, another woman, midlife crisis, sexual orientation crisis, stress, mental illness, things I've left off the list.
And do be on your guard about what he is proposing for you. Why is okay that he tells you this completely mind-shattering thing, that he doesn't love you, but he wants to live as normal? What the...? He has destroyed the normal you had. He doesn't get to decide the new normal, YOU do. If he needs to think about things, maybe he should think about them elsewhere.
Call that couples counselor soon. And take good care of yourself and your child too.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (19 July 2008):
 use your head. not saying he doesn't mean it just think it all through. Act like you would act if you thought every thing is OK But for his tack in this....think\.... a person is sloging through a boring marriage or feels restricted it may take them forever to work up the courage to stand up and announce that hes not happy and his whole spin on it.But once it's out there the hard part is over.People take years to reach this point, but when they do and its out there they ain't stepping back. If there is someone out there. If not for her influence he would most likely be fine with things. Only some outside influence that changed radically from one day to the next could account for him running hot and cold. I'm not telling you to do anything but to keep your wits about you.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (19 July 2008):
sorry just noticed where you said you know theres no one else. That's a relief! You sound pretty sure. And is the certainty you feel because when you asked him and he swore to god and hoped to die and stick a thousand needles in his eye. It's hard to get around that defense. You right now have to stop your whole way of thinking in regards to him and your marriage. Have you ever been shopping and see someone that lives down the street whose significant other is having an affair. And a lot of people know but she remains clueless. Well if you have ever played poker for money theres an old saying. If you been in more than a couple of hands but you can't figure out who the mark is. It's you. But this guy that a few weeks ago was this nice man you threw your lot in with and was ready to be a team forever more. The guy that stood directly in front of you at your wedding. YEAH that one. From now on at least for the foreseeable future. He is the enemy. I'm not saying to turn on him or be anything but what you have been. But whatever he says should be suspect. He will transform into someone you don't recognize. If I am wrong you won't lose anything and if he IS nailing someone you will be ready.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says he is trying and wants it to work
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (19 July 2008):
don't go off in him in front of the child. Ask him if the broad knows he is married. He should not count on her as a reliable lateral move unless he's made full disclosure.
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