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What can I do? First he refused me. Then I caught my husband watching porn and masturbating in the middle of the night!!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Pornography, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, *eNa writes:

Please help me!!! I caught my husband watching porn and masturbating in the middle of the night!!

Early that night I wanted to have sex with my husband. I kissed and touched him, but he was too busy playing with his phone and completely ignored me.

I fell asleep after that and woke up in the middle of the night didn't see my husband in bed.

I walked to the other room and saw him doing all that. I am so shocked and very sad. We been married for 4 yrs and no kid yet.

I can't get that image out of my mind. I cry evertime I think about it.

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A female reader, Gabrielle Stoker United States +, writes (31 July 2015):

Gabrielle Stoker agony auntWhile porn has been known to kill sex life in couples, you need to think about whether this is a one-off or it happens often. Are you two otherwise sexually compatible? Are there other reasons for his being sexually unavailable at times? Stress is a huge factor nowadays.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntMy guess is that this is a twofold problem.

1. YOU need to VERBALLY tell him, PUT the phone down and interact with me (whether it's sex, activities or talking). (yes it would be GREAT if he would do it on his own accord, but apparently that wasn't the case).

2. Do you think it's possible that he didn't WANT to wake you up? That he was horny and wanted to orgasm, but CHOSE to not wake you up and take care of business himself?

3. Masturbation isn't a bad thing at all. HE IS allowed to self-pleasure - it's NOT always about YOU not being enough, sometimes people find themselves horny but ARE NOT in the mood for the more "emotional and physical" involvement of actual sex with a partner. The only time where it can be a "bad" thing in a relationship is when either partner RATHER self-pleasure than have sex with the partner.

If this is the first time, talk to him. Tell him HOW it made you feel, give him a chance to express what went on with him.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (29 July 2015):

Getting this upset won’t help anything. Men use porn or their ability to take care of their own needs because either is easier than sex. It’s gratifying without any need for communication, emotional responsiveness or even effort. The question is why he chose to meet his needs by himself when you were not only willing but enthusiastic to have sex. You mentioned not having a child yet. Was this just background information to help us see the situation in a wider context, or is this a concern or issue for you? Or is there something else that might be troubling or stressful either to him, or to you both? Are you arguing about things? Is he having a hard time at work? I think you need to calm down and then ask him if everything is okay. Explain what you saw and that you felt rejected and hurt by it. He obviously didn’t mean for you to find out, but ask him if there’s anything on his mind, or that’s worrying him. If you go on the attack, he’ll close up and tell you nothing. Just remind him that you’re there and would like to share intimacy with him, and that he can tell you if anything is troubling him. He won’t necessarily spill his heart out there and then: as a general rule it’s not the way men tend to operate, but it might remind him to be more sensitive to your feelings and willing to work with you, rather than retreat to the escapism of porn. He should, however, know that you are hurt by his use of porn so that he can decide what to do about his usage.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2015):

I'm guessing you wouldn't have cried if this was a one off. My guess is you've been feeling like this for a while and this was the final straw.

Porn habits have ruined many marriages unfortunately. The only person who can fix it is your husband. Have you tried asking him why he turned you down for a screen and how it makes you feel? Try that, hopefully he'll realise there's a problem and change his ways.

Good luck

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