| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Recently,I've gotten into a long term relationship. We've been dating for two years and I had to move an hour and a half away to finish college. Something that has been bothering me is the fact that he never wants to spend time with me around my friends and my home. For example, this weekend I invited him over and said we could go to a movie or a party with my roomate and her boyfriend. Originally he agreed but just today he texted me saying he had to go location scouting for a project he is working on the day that I expected him to come visit me. He invited me to come with, but every weekend has been spent with him away from my friends doing things all weekend. I'd like to be able to go to a party and start a social life and Id like him to be apart of it, but at this time I feel like I am constantly choosing between friends and him.Also, if i choose friends for a weekend he gets really upset and makes me feel guilty. I dont know what to do
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2015): It is possible he doesn't like your friends. If you are at the two-year mark, that's when many people write DC about relationship issues. It seems to be the period in a relationship when many millennials just can't seem to meet any compromise in their relationships, and they tire of each other. Patience grows shorter, and passions dry-up.
They become restless as a couple. Usually, they've reached their expiration date; or it's approaching.
They have matured a lot between 20 and the age of 25. If they were together since their teens. They need to see more people to get more of a sense of self, and learn more about personality-types to see what fits.
Generally speaking; it often seems it is the female in the relationship who holds on tighter, and does most of the work. While the male grows more distant, emotionally.
In your case; the distance between you is giving him a sense of freedom. If you're clinging, you're the one more willing to go the distance to be with him.
I expect a few ladies responding to your post, to place it all on the guy in this situation. You've got to read the signs and make decisions that are best for your own emotional well-being; when you see your partner isn't making equal effort. There are usually many signs, but ignoring them in denial isn't healthy.
You should never love anyone more than they love you. Your partner has every responsibility to demonstrate that he loves you; and how important you are to him. If it seems to be becoming less evident; then you should take that into consideration.
If you don't go to see him, and he doesn't go out of his way to see you for missing you; that means he's not that into you. Maybe he selfishly feels his time is more valuable; and the things he wishes to do, override what you like to do.
That should get you thinking, and bring you both to a serious conversation about where things are going.
Worse case scenario, you are growing apart; because the distance has now given him more of a sense of independence. He misses that, more than he misses you. So he will place the responsibility on you; because it was your choice to move away. He may not have admitted to you, but he just may find your friends boring; and feels he has nothing in-common. Some guys don't like double-dating.
People do grow weary in long-distance relationships, and what you're describing is often a symptom. Long-distance relationships are stressful, and some people just aren't mentally/emotionally cutout for them. So we can bash him for being a guy, or look at the bigger picture.
It comes down to making him come to you. If he won't, there's your answer. You decide what to do from there.
A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (27 August 2015):
 Is it possible to spend Saturday with him and Sunday with your friends? Even Friday night with friends?
If he is not ready or too busy to meet your new friends, why not you hang out with these new friends first and just wait for an opportunity for him to meet them?
Talk to him.. I'm sure you two can make it work.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2015): First of all, he should never be making you feel guilty. That is not a good trait to have in any relationship. You shouldn't feel obliged to spend all your time with him, that could lead to resentment on your part. Your friends are important, more important than your boyfriend so you should never be made to feel guilty about spending time with them. Boyfriends come and go, but friends are usually for life. A healthy relationship also has to involve some time apart in my opinion. I would talk to him about this and ask him to stop making you feel guilty.With regards to spending time together at weekends, I think you should be doing stuff that you both like. Sometimes you could do what he likes, other times you could do what you like. If you find that you're always doing stuff that he likes or always going to see him then he doesn't really care about your interests or about you. A relationship should be about compromise not one partner always doing what the other wants. Also, I'd be careful about going to his every weekend. He may start taking you for granted, it sounds like he already is. I've been there and it's not pleasant. He should come and see you as well. It should be equal. Talk to him about how you feel. If he's not willing to make an effort to come and see you and do stuff that you want to do I'd re-consider your relationship with him.
...............................
|
