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What are the signs that he doesn't love you anymore?

Tagged as: Faded love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 July 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 26 May 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi there

I've been married for about 7 years now and I know from what I've read from posts in the pasts and on other websites that some relationships reach a cool down point at this stage.

But what are the actual signs that your husband doesn't love you anymore? He never wants to touch me anymore, our sex life is non-existent, turns his back to me when I get into bed, doesn't want to cuddle me back when I cuddle him, doesn't get turned on when I parade infront of him half naked and I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight and size (a perfect 10 you might say with some stretch marks and a little bit of tummy fat ofc)and this weekend I took off my wedding band purposefully to see what his reaction would be, but he didn't even notice that I wasn't wearing it. I always use to tell him I loved him but never got it back so now I've stopped cause i feel he couldn't be bothered to say the same back. At first there wouldn't be a day that goes by without him having said it, now I don't hear it at all. We've always had a good relationship and had the minor couple spats but lately it seems like all he wants to do is argue over stupid things.

He's not depressed, cause he doesn't show any of the symptoms. When he has to go somewhere it seems like he can't wait to get out of the door.

Now the questions what to do? He doesn't want to talk, prefers sitting infront of his pc and tv and veg. I'm at the point where I just want to leave and start a new life on my own. What's the use of being with someone when they don't want to be with you but doesn't have the guts to tell you?

View related questions: depressed, sex life, stretch marks, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009):

when me and my husband were dating for three months.. he cheated on me.. he dumped me once for her. since i texted her to tell her to stay away... it still hurts.. i will never be the same.. the way he terated me.. like a dog, throwin me out and takin me back at 5 am in the morning... tellin me tht he is still thinkin about her after we had sex.. most painful things in my life happend with him... i jst dnt trust him anymore.. he is easily attracted to other women.. there was this time he used to tell me not to texy him sexy massages coz collgues if his woudl find out.. not till i knew he meant this girl at work who we had a fight with when i asked her if she is flirting with him? i dont know what to do! am still in school now.. he has paid for me, but sex is always boring.. its always for him.. but am still here after all he has put me thru.. when i try to get his attention, he barely looks at me.. i remember 2 weeks ago when i bought this nice suit.. short skirt, and i wanted him to look at it but i guess he ws busy playing his play station.. we had a fight and he told my mum tht i will never progress in life.. and he knows it.. i dnt get along with most people coz am straight forward, not to hurt them, but this is just cruel!

i think he loves me, but not enough.. and not the way i want to be loved... i want him to love me like i love him.. is tht so hard to understand?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009):

I love my husband, but when he ignores me I get angry. Have you heard about the crazy cycle?

Men want respect, women love... There is a great book out there called love and respect.........

Between 90-96% of the people getting a divorce say they regret it 10 years later. They would have worked harder on the relationship.

Sometimes it is something else you need...smth your husband can't give you.

Mbe God or getting in shape,helping smby else....Having time to your self

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009):

I sympathize with you, I have been facing the same problems over the past year or so. I have no idea what to do but I am afraid he is going to leave me soon. Hang in there, if you love him. I am trying my best to stay by my husbands side because I still love him, unfortunately I do not think he feels the same.

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A female reader, big heart Canada +, writes (13 May 2009):

Wow, it was like reading my own story. I am still going through it right now as I write.

I know it's hard....but follow your gut. I have and am in the process of leaving.

It was bad enough he did not pay any attention to me..but then sometimes he would yell and swear at me.

I decide that I had enough.....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009):

Your story is almost exactly like mine. My husband acted the same way for nearly 3 years, then his affair partner called me and she told me everything. They had been seeing each other the whole time. Take my advice and get out while you can. That was 9 years ago and I wish I had gone through with the divorce. We are still together and he acts the way he did when we were first married, but I don't love him any more. Life is very boring and long when you no longer love him because of his cheating. If you don't have small children, get out. I promise you will never forgive him or forget the lonely times you spent alone and hurting after you find out he was piled up in bed with another woman.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008):

This resonated with me too. I met my husband when we were 19 & 18. We married at 23. We have been married for 23 years now. We used to be wildly in love and up until about 5 to 6 years ago I could not keep him off of me. He had a heart attack and all has gone downhill since. He no longer has a sex drive - I try everything, begging, complaining - attempts to turn him on. It seems he has mentally checked out of our marriage about 3 or so years ago and this past year has been the worst. He sleeps untill 1 to 2 pm on weekends - plops in front of the tv for the rest of the day until dinner. He sleeps on the couch almost every night. He never wants to go anywhere or do anything. I asked him to move out because I found out he cashed in his 401k to pay a gambling debt I accidentally discovered. He asked to move back in for convenience sake and to maintain the house. When I asked him to go speak with a counselor or priest he was silent. I told him doing that would show he still loved me. Again he was silent. I told him his silence answered for him. He still denied not loving me. I finally told him if he did not love me he just needed to come clean so we could both move on and not put each other through this. I still have not heard from him. I don't know what to do. We have such a long history.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008):

Wow this hit home- I have been married 21 years have 4 kids are we dont seem to spend anytime together- when he is home he is out in the garage piddling with his airplanes and on weekends at the park flying his airplanes until 7-8 at night I cook dinner call him in the kids and I have eaten before he comes into eat, I tell him I have arranged a sitter for the kids so he and I could go out and I get well we shouldnt bother Auntie Sharon or grandma lynda he will go to his moms for the weekend to do work around there and when the kids call to say good nite or good morning he doesnt ever ask to talk to me or say good nite or good morning to me, I wanted to see how long he would go without saying I love you or kiss me it was 3 days and he finally did because he was HORNY I have tried talking to him and he says nothings wrong and he does love me and very happy

I am so confused

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A female reader, cjaqtt United States +, writes (16 July 2008):

Wow! That is about all I can say. Sounds very similair to my life. Except two major things, he had an internet affair after we had been married 3 years. I had to practically kill him to get him to understand that what he had done was wrong.

The other was my own affair. Which low and behold was at the 7 year mark. I told him if he did not change I was going to have an affair. He didn't, I did, and it ended about 6 months after it started. But things never changed between him and I. We are togethre right now only because of the kids. I am back in school and will be done next spring. I have told him once I have a job I am leaving. He says nothing, I have told him that by not talking to me it makes me feel like he does not love me, he says nothng.

I find now that the question is not about his lack of communication or affection, but why are you staying? For me it is financial and of my own insecurities of leaving.

Explore what it is you have to gain by leaving, I know myself that being married to a rock would be more beneficial to my emotional and physical health.

"When the pain of staying outweighs the fear of the unknown , you will have your answer."

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008):

This exact same thing happened to me and my husband at 7 years. He worked 1 full time job and 1 part time job while I stayed home with our 7,4 and 2 year olds. We hardly ever saw each other but when we did it seemed anything I said or did, he had a problem with. After tons of fights and me pushing and pushing him for answers(do you still love me, etc.)I think he finally got tired of me nagging him about it, and he said I think I don't love you. So, I cried to my mom. She asked me what happened and after telling her what had been going on she said its the 7 year itch. Just hold out until its over. But we also decided he was depressed and super stressed, of course. My mom really helped me see things differently. She said pushing for answers is never a good thing to do with a man. It was really hard to get him to the doctor to get some meds for dep. and stress but after our final fight (of no more love), he said he would do whatever it took make things better(and me too,of course). So he got on meds. At the same time, on my mother's recommendation, I just lavished him with his favorite dinners and back rubs(not for sex)and just did whatever I could think of that would make him like being at home. I told him I knew how much pressure he was under and wanted him to be comfortable. Sure, there were still some bad times, but after a few months things were pretty much back to normal. I was afraid at any moment he would turn around and say ummm this just isn't working. But 4 years later that hasn't happened, not that everythings been perfect either! Its all work! He said he was just so stressed out,he didn't mean it when he said he didn't love me anymore. But I've got to tell you it still hurts alot. I guess thats my insecurities.....

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (14 July 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntThe 7 year itch?

Are there stresses in your life? How is he responding to the kids? Was there something that happened that might seem trivial to you when his attitude changed?

As you might know, most men can easily seperate sex from love. If he just didn't want to do the romantic stuff anymore, then yes it might mean he doesn't love you anymore but why should that stop him from using you for sex?

The lack of sex might be stress (he can't) or he is getting it somewhere else OR he has started to hate you, perhaps feeling trapped in a life he doesn't want.

Stress can really get a person down especially if he feels he is the one who has to carry the family on his shoulder (remember, this is about how he feels, not about how things really are) and sex-drive goes down fast. How is your financial situation? Work? Mortgage etc etc?

Cheating? That usually has signs like being out of the house more often then needed, business trips, overwork, hobbies that take him out.

The 7 year itch might be him wondering, is this it. How is he with the kid(s)? Could it be the mid-life crisis thing?

The wedding ring thing? Come on, you been married for 7 years, surely you know by now men don't notice anything? You could wear a clown-nose to bed and men wouldn't notice.

Try to examine the events that happened when all this started from HIS point of view. That might give you a clue.

If there is nothing then you might just have to tell them him that you two need to work this out, one way or another.

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