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What are possible reasons for a man to distance himself when another woman is NOT involved?

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Question - (17 September 2013) 13 Answers - (Newest, 18 September 2013)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'd like to know some of the main reasons a man (35) would distance himself, after 3 years together, to the point of a break up if there isn't another woman involved.

Let's say said man is distancing himself, drastically, but still telling his partner he loves/misses her but that's the extent of conversation/attention she gets from him. And is there any hope of him coming back?

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (18 September 2013):

Unfortunately, it's over. He wants you there waiting for him because of his abandonment issues, but he doesn't actually want you in his life anymore.

As long as you allow him to do this he will.

Text him and say that you are done wondering what's going on with him. Tell him you love him and would like to make things work, but can't continue in limbo, so from this point forward he needs to stop contacting you unless he's willing to try and work things out. That doesn't mean making promises to come over than not showing up, that means making an honest effort. Tell him that if he can't agree to that then it's over and it was nice knowing him.

DO ALL THAT AND THEN STOP CONTACTING HIM UNTIL HE EITHER AGREES OR BREAKS UP WITH YOU (to which you can thank him for being honest with you).

This is your best chance at getting him to make a decision. If he still refuses then it's time for you to stop prolonging your misery and break up with him then block him in every way (no contact).

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (18 September 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntdo you think that SAYING "I love you" means that he does?

My last husband said I LOVE YOU all the time... he didn't love me and he didn't show me... he just mouthed the words.

My current husband almost NEVER says "I LOVE YOU" and he told me in the beginning of our relationship not to expect to hear him say it as he NEVER says it. So I don't expect it.

BUT his ACTIONS tell me over and over and over that he truly does love me. I watched him once last month stand on a blind curve in the middle of a road we were crossing in case a car came so it would HIT HIM first and NOT HURT ME. THIS man is WILLING TO DIE FOR ME.

So other than his WORDS... how does he SHOW YOU HE LOVES YOU?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He just now sent a text that says "i love you" and any other "normal" time I would text back with an "i love you too" but it's different now. If I reply, that's where the conversation will end until he decides to say it again, which keeps me holding on. If I don't say it back I wonder if maybe it could've been the new start we've been needing. *screams*

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A female reader, Radner United States +, writes (18 September 2013):

Radner agony auntDear. The lengths some men will go to to get a woman into bed is mind boggling. Some will say ANYTHING, up to and including professing their love for a woman. If a man declares love for you to get sex you don't want this sociopath anyway. Let me tell you a person whose morals are that cheap and negotiable is unquestionably a sociopath and you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I guess I'm just in so much shock and heartache right now. We talked about how we wanted to get married (mostly him) and wanted to spend our lives together. I know things had turned pretty rocky and he was showing signs of being unhappy. I guess I just believed that we loved each other and no matter what problem came along we'd make it through it. I'm just really hurting right now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Because of our work schedules sometimes it's hard for us to get together, so the 10 days is understandable to me and not that big of an issue, but it's really everything combined that I'm looking at. The reason I haven't broke it off is because I love him. I'm not the one wanting out of the relationship. I'm wanting to fix our issues and move forward. He acts like he wants out but won't say it. He just text me 2 hours ago and said he's in love with me... but this is all he does. I don't get it one bit. I know he isn't seeing someone else so I don't believe this is about another woman. I do know that in some of his past relationships he'd distance himself until she just walked away, or found someone else and cheated on him. I also know that his mother emotionally abandoned him as a child. I'm one of the very few people he's had in his life that's actually wanted to be there and really cared about him. So, it makes this so much more irritating to me.

He told me it's about us fighting all the time and I knew he was becoming unhappy but I'd rather him just say what he wants and then do it, instead of handling it this way. It's as if he's forcing ME to end it when I'm not the one wanting to. When I leave him alone and don't contact him, he'll send me a text that says he loves and misses me or something stupid (to get a reply perhaps) and that's when he'll actually strike up some conversation. What he's doing really hurts because A) im not the one wanting to end it... and B) he's texting me every day with an "i love you" WHILE doing this.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (18 September 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntif it's been ten days since you saw him and he's making no effort to see you why aren't you breaking up with him?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

GentleGiant, yes I'm pretty sure there isn't another woman. He never gave ANY indication of being unfaithful. He never even talked about other women. Things got rocky and we began fighting almost every day. He told me this is the reason but he hasn't officially broken up with me. He's texting me maybe once a day with an "i love you" or an "i miss you" and then I won't hear from him again until maybe a day or so later, and then it's just one short text. He ISN'T talking to me so I can't get anywhere. He's saying he loves me and is in love with me but is pushing me completely out of his life. His facebook has our relationship status on it, and everyone knows we're a couple but it's been 10 days since I saw him and he's made no effort to see me.

When I try talking to him he says we'll talk when he gets off work and then he doesn't show up. If I say something in a text reply that sounds like I'm moving on he'll text me and say he loves me and is in love with me, but that's all he says. He has me backed in a corner. I can handle him simply saying it's over, but what he's doing is leaving me in limbo. I'm sitting around "waiting" on him to wake up or something... and nothing's happening. Btw, he has done this with past relationships and they ended up leaving him or finding other men. He definitely has abandonment issues but I don't know what to do, what move to make.

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A male reader, GentleGiant Canada +, writes (18 September 2013):

Are you that sure that there isnt somebody else involved in the equation. It does not have to be another woman if you know what I am saying. After three years he is distancing himself. I believe he was probably giving signals well before the three year mark. Unless you are like Chris Angel you cant read minds and you better ask him what the hell is the problem. And by the way you may not like what he is going to tell you so have your bags packed and ready to go.

I have been in a relationship with a great woman for over two years and let me tell you there isn't a couple hours that doesnt pass where I am telling her how much I love her or care about her or do things for her without asking. I am always re cementing our relationship and I never take my sweetheart for granted. I know her work and school schedule and get the old texting fingers going sending off a few choice words of love, support and caring. I am not crushing her with love and affection but when she comes home and I am not my usual self she knows or has a good idea because we have been communicating all day. Its not because i am mad at her or upset. These little simple or some people think childish jestures reap hudge benefits in my relationship.

How else are you going to know what is going on inside your boyfriends head? You have to force yourself to communicate. And with all those amazing communication tools out there use them. I am not afraid to twitter why I love my girlfriend and she is not afraid to tell the same when she twitters. This has a two fold benefit. First this wards off some but not all potential suitors after my girlfriend and the same for me. When people look at us together they know what are relationship status is. Very important more so than ever. I believe you probably already know the answer to your own question. Please consider what I said and try some of these tools. And please say never never could I do such a thing. good-luck.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (17 September 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony aunthe wants to end it but is too chicken to do it so he hopes by not being available you will get fed up and do his dirty work.

he's a chicken.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (17 September 2013):

Love doesn't usually just disappear when you decide you don't want to be with someone. After all, they were likely your closest companion for three years.

It's hard to break up with someone, this is his way of trying to make it easy on both of you.

You have two choices: try to fix things or just say goodbye and sever contact so you can get over him.

If you want to fix things it will require willingness on his part. Ask him if there's any problem that he sees in the relationship that he thinks could be fixed, then work on it. Take it slow though as it seems he's already gone.

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A female reader, Radner United States +, writes (17 September 2013):

Radner agony auntHe's just not that into you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 September 2013):

Honeypie agony auntHe ants to move on but isn't ready yet and by telling HER that he loves her, he isn't ready for HER to move on either.

My guess is, he still cares, but maybe not enough to put in an effort. So he tells the ex-GF that he loves her because it's what's he know, it's familiar.

I would (if I were you) set a limit to how long I would let this go on. Once that limit is hit, I would tell him, OK I have tried to be patient and give you some space/time, but I don't WANT any more space time apart in my relationship (if that is how you feel), so it's time we part ways.

If he then says, you are right, lets make this work. Then you two need to sit down together and figure out what you EACH need from the other to MAKE it work.

Relationship takes work. CONSTANTLY. It's not just a few sweet words here and there.

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