A
female
age
26-29,
*idan
writes:At the beginning of this year, I starting getting on and becoming best friends with someone I had previously been best friends with. However, before this time we'd drifted apart a bit and weren't in each others' lives that much, so the friendship being rebuilt made me really happy as I had also had a break down of a friendship with some other people around that time as well.Anyway, we've become really close now and there has been some issues that she's helped me with and vice versa that we've been through together. I really, really like having her in my life but more often than not I ask her to come over and we arrange it, albeit casually, that she will do so and she just doesn't show up.I try to message her, texting and through other formats but more often than not she won't reply at all or really late. This makes me feel annoyed and disappointed, especially as it keeps happening. This weekend, for instance, we had walked home together on friday and agreed that she was going to come over the next day and I was going to confide in her something very personal to me, something which I had never divulged to anyone before. Anyway, it came to the next day and the hours went by and so on and I texted her to ask when she was coming round - it was the afternoon now, so I wasn't that hopeful - and it took her a while but she finally said that she had to do revision that day and that she could come round tomorrow to which I gave a general confirmation. The next day, morning goes past and I send a couple of texts again to ask if she's coming etc to no reply and then finally one where I'm asking if she's all right, still no reply.To add, being stood up by her this time is worst than usual because I was going to tell her something which was important to me and now I feel like I can't do it now, it's too late. What I'm getting at is that it does annoy me and make me question her because it's frustrating. Is there any advice on what to do in this situation or why it keeps happening?
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female
reader, Aidan +, writes (17 May 2015):
Aidan is verified as being by the original poster of the question That's a good consideration Ciar.
I've never told any one and it happened many years ago now, so I guess it doesn't hurt to go on another how many years to come.
Thanks again for the advice :)
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (17 May 2015):
 I forgot to include this...it's probably a good thing that your friend didn't come over and you didn't get to tell her your big secret. It could be divine providence or fate (depending on your beliefs) and a message to you that perhaps you should keep it to yourself.
You may be on good terms now, but you don't know what the future holds and if you're already being stood up...keep big secrets to yourself. That way they're always safe regardless of the state of the friendship.
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A
female
reader, Aidan +, writes (17 May 2015):
Aidan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get what you're saying and I appreciate the input. I understand that I probably come across that way but I really don't mean to. And in defence of myself, if it seems like this is how the friend ship is like all the time, it isn't. Me asking her round this time was just the usual thing where we hang out all day and play video games etc. The fact about me planning on telling her something personal is or was going to be a really big step for me. I didn't want to do it because I wanted her advice or for her to be a therapist to me, but for her to know I trust her enough that I can be completely myself and let her know the same. I'm not one of those people who readily lets people know about my issues and most of the time I'm asking her if she's all right or if anything's wrong. But, I take what you have to say on board and I'll try and structure myself better and be better. So, thank you for the input and I'll make a measure of myself.Sorry if this comes across as sarky, it's just my response.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 May 2015):
 I have to agree with Ciar and Cindy too.
YOU are USING this person as your personal therapist. Wanting to SHARE big and VERY personal issues might be a BIT over the top for her. It might be why she pulls back constantly. SHE is simply overwhelmed by YOUR issues. I'm sure she has her own to deal with ON TOP of having to listen to yours. Having a friend like you (no offense) can be DRAINING. I had one who had a LOT of issues, some big, some small but it was ALWAYS about her issues, not out friendship. Not about spending time together just chilling and having a good time. 90% "issues" and 5% angst and 5% fun. And what was even worth when trying to help her... she ignored what you said and then it would be an issue OVER AND OVER... Now I'm not saying you are AS draining as my "old" friend was, but not all people can handle a lot of issues, they want to FORGET their own issue and JUST have a little fun.
I know you say you don't WANT her to be your therapist, but that might BE how she feels.
I'd PERSONALLY find a GROWN up to talk these things through with. Mother, father, aunt - someone you can trust and someone you know has good sense.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (17 May 2015):
Most welcome and thanks for the follow up.
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, Aidan +, writes (17 May 2015):
Aidan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess you're right and I'll try. It's not that I want her to be my therapist and mostly when she comes round we don't talk about personal issues in great detail but just relax and hang out.
Obviously, I want to be able to talk to her about things that are important and vice versa but I won't mention anything too heavy any more or until it feels like the right time.
I'll try your advice and keep you updated if anything shifts etc
Thank you :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2015):
 I agree with Ciar.
I guess this friend feels a little overwhelmed . You sound a bit clingy, or at least rather depending upon her as your own agony aunt, shoulder to cry on, etc. Maybe she meant to rebuild the friendship but in a less intense, more recreational way, two girls just chilling and having fun on occasions, without making it become a mandatory
" I'll-be-there-for-you ".
Yet, you are right to feel annoyed for having been blown off or cancelled last minute, that's SO very rude. And passive aggressive. She just needs ,basically, to express that's she's got other social stuff going on too, so she can't always be at your beck and call. Although I understand that for her too, at her young age, it must not be easy to hit the right note and be sincere and direct without giving offence.
Anyway she does not want the same kind of bond you want and hopes you'll get the hint.
Do it. Keep your own counsel. And / or go out with other people too, possibly with the intent to just relax and have fun and not to make a therapy session out of every time you hang out.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (17 May 2015):
I think you might be leaning on this friend a little too much. You might not be discussing your issues all of the time or even most of the time, but it sounds like you've done it enough that you've reached her tipping point. It does seem a bit much to me anyway.If your friend thought she was going to be able to relax and enjoy herself in your company instead of being your therapist she might be more enthusiastic about getting together.Ease up for a while. Keeping your own counsel can be a good thing now and again.
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