A
female
age
36-40,
*a petite belle
writes:MOD NOTE: THis has been posted previously, OP wants more answersHi, I am in a predicament... I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago, I feel like for 7 months I bent over backwards for him and tolerated a lot of things from him to the point that I broke and I asked him for a break. Before the break I had tolerated half truths, one particular time he thought I was asleep on his couch, his roomate came in the room and whispered if they were still on for the club, he whispered back to him thinking that I was asleep and when I woke up he told me "we might have a boys night"... I got mad at him because we hadn't seen each other in a week and he told me he wanted to see me and he made it sound like we were going to hang out the whole day when he was in fact making facts while we were ordering food (45 mins into our "date"), he also had stopped telling me when he wasn't working and I would find out through snapchat about him drinking downtown with this roomate. He was also starting to spend all his days off having "bro days" with this roomate. His roommate is 23 and he is into partying EVERY WEEKEND, sleeping with multiple girls,etc my boyfriend is 28, so am I. During the break I told him this and pointed several instances where he had hurt me and my trust. He didn't make an excuse and said I was right and offered me an apology and he asked me to get back. I told him that I needed time and gave us another 2 weeks. His mom called me during that time, she told me that she had spoken with him and he told her about our break, his mom told me that he todl her that he saw me as a serious girlfriend and he wanted to have a future with me and she told me that he looked sad about our break. Anyways, I asked him to go to therapy with me and he agreed only because I had asked him (or so he said). We went to therapy and I got everything out of my chest, the therapist asked me to trust him until he would prove me wrong. We got back a month ago; this memorial weekend, we went to vegas and his roomate and 2 other guys were there, this roomate paid for a girl to give him head and a married guy also paid for another girl... I can't prohibit him from hanging out with these friends but what am I supposed to think?, what am I supposed to do? if I see his married friends doing this type of behaviour, I can see his roomate encouraging him to do this. Plus, his roomate is not the biggest fan of me and he is always bringing girls around him. For a few weeks my boyfriend would ask me to hang out (I thought he was changing) but this week again he just kind of stopped asking me if we are goign to hang out...We hung out this past Wednesday and we talked about moving in together but he said that he doens't want to move in because he doesn't believe in moving in, he thinks for him it's marriage and then moving in or having a date and then moving in, He said "I want you and me to buy a house and I want the next goal and then the next, I want to get married... I don't want to get content and just leave it at that" but then his roomate is already planning on renting a house to where they can have "massiveMOD parties" ... I don't know who to believe? I feel like maybe Im being dishonest by telling him infront of the therapist that I would trust him but then I am questioning him behind his back... his roomate makes me worry... and I don't know what to do...I am independent but he definitely makes me feel like Im clingy because I want to be with him when I can.... I do bodybuilding and moNDAY fRIDAY I m at work and then head to the gym.... he works retail so his days off are random...What am I doing wrong?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 June 2016):
 The ONLY thing you're doing "wrong".... is believing that - somewhere in this drama - is a "relationship". There isn't. YOU can't carry on a "relationship" by yourself... and this guy, clearly, isn't interested in taking part.
Get away from him... and get on with your life....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2016):
 What you are doing wrong, IMO, is , first, the very fact of bending over backwards and tolerating a lot of things that you normally would not just for the sake of hopefully keeping a guy tied to you. It reeks of weakness and begets, subconsciously but inesorably, contempt , rather than devotion, in the other party. I do not want to promote the cliche' that " men love bitches " because I don't believe it, but I think that a person who shows a healthy respect for herself and knows exactly her boundaries is more attractive than the sweetest doormat of them all.
The second thing that you are doing wrong, is not wanting to see things as they actually are, but more like a " work in progress " where , if only you can tweak this and curb that, then you'd have the perfect relationship.
Be here now. It is what it is, this is the guy he is and this is the kind of relationship he is capable of atm. ( Which does not mean that he is an unlovable jerk- just that he may not be the right person for the kind of relationship which you want ).
You want different things, regardless of the mutual attraction and feelings.
At 28 , he is still pretty much " one of the lads " and he values hanging out with the boys and painting the town red and blah blah blah ( although, that does not mean that he would cheat on you any chance he is given ! ) He likes the GFE ( girlfriend experience ) as a concept, in general, but ideally it should not interfere with his life as it is now, which is pretty much the life of a young single man.
He does not have a big need for intimacy, closeness, on-on-one, while you ( not unreasonably ) require a more intimate, coupley, "domestic " arrangement.
He does not want that, so he responds in a passive agressive way to your attempts of changing the status quo. With an initial feeble effort, then followed pretty soon by a return to his usual ways.
In your other post you wondered why he did not take the easy way out when you got him off the hook, why he did not just say " this relationship is too much work, thanks and goodbye " when you offered him the chance to do so.
Why ? Elementary Watson . Because that would imply a firm choice, an either/ or. Instead he likes it as it is now- he wants to have his cake and keep it too. He wants you in his life, with the love, sex and affection you provide- AS LONG as you do not interfere with his " one of the lads " lifestyle and passtimes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 June 2016):
 Other post for the Aunt and Uncles:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-questioning-the-relationship-because-my-boyfriend-often.html
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 June 2016):
What are you doing wrong?
1. You bend over backwards. Which makes guys like your BF treat like a doormat. It IS OK to have standards for what you are OK with and what you are not. You don't "keep" a guy by letting him treat you like crap.
2. You are dating a guy who doesn't WANT to be in a relationship, he wants the benefits but not to DO the work.
Judging by this post over your "old one" there is a LOT more going on than you first described.
I have to ask WHY are you so desperate to BE with this guy?
8 months in and you have ALL this drama? That is not how a good relationship should be. It shouldn't be this HARD this early. You shouldn't HAVE to drag him to a therapist 7 months INTO a NEW relationship. That's ... crazy.
This isn't about the room-mate. YOUR BF is making choices that isn't indicative of him meaning what he is saying. His words don't match his actions.
You can continue to date him and waste your time and energy or you can find someone who IS a better fit. Someone who says what he means and mean what he says. This guy? Full of empty promises.
Good luck.
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