A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been long distance (10 hours distance) dating for almost two years, but have been friends for about 8 years. He recently (last December) sunk into a deep, deep depression, so much he just wanted to stay at home and sulk. It was caused because he was in the last semester of his law school, and had no job lined up at all, but all of his peers did. He ended up deciding to go to business school to get his MBA after - where he is at now. But, in the December - June, our relationship took a toll. He barely called/skyped/etc. although we did text often. After June, he moved back North, closer to me (3-4 hour drives) and we get to see each other much more frequently, but our relationship is kind of on edge. I feel very frightened about our relationship, but try to pretend I don't and go with it, understanding that he is at a bad point in his life. I have been sinking into a dark area in my life as well, but I have been reading up on "dealing with depression with a loved one" and one thing it mentions is to not go to their negative level (or at least let them know). I am trying to be strong for him, even when he gets grumpy with me, too. He says things like "I am the only light in his life" among other things like not wanting to break up. Recently, after so long of having to hear that he is afraid of not being good enough for me (though I tell him, in depth, that he is more than enough for me and that I have never felt more happy with someone. I make sure to shower him in love and affectionate words, and when I am near, I am very supportive, happy, and affectionate) But, I didn't want to ever be a part of his stress. So I said that we can put our relationship to the side because I cared deeper for him and I wanted him to see that I would be there no matter WHAT, more than "us being together." I told him that it is my responsibility to make myself happy, not his. I have reiterated that I am always there for him, countless times. I am always there when he wants to talk. He keeps telling me I don't understand. And, I do think breaking up with him was digressive, but there was a bigger meaning behind it. We are "back together" now and that only lasted a week, while also talking about it and expressing to him that it wasn't a negative thing. It feels stable, now, but he is constantly down when I am not around. He told me two days ago that he worries about bringing me down with him and that he feels always alone and that what he does is just come home from school and sulk and it's hard for him to get out of bed even. I have showed him St John's Worts in hopes that it helps to improve his mood and pointed out that he does have a gym downstairs in his apartment complex and that sometimes just a five minute run can improve his mood. I have read countless articles on how to be a "gentle therapist with your depressed loved one" I am trying so hard to understand what he is going through. I think I may need to be more silent and understanding, but that is difficult to do when it's via texts. When I am there in person and he talks about it, I make sure to just keep silent and solely listen. I really wish I knew the appropriate thing to do. I know I can't cure his depression, but I have been noticing as of late, it's becoming worse and he's snapping at me more regularly. It's been becoming a deep focus of mine and I talk about it to my friends for advice, but they all just hear that he's not giving me "my needs" and I feel like they don't see that this is -depression- and I would be devastated if the love of my life abandoned me because "I was too sad." Today, for example, he failed one of his midterms and texted me about it. I said I am really sorry to hear that, pointed out how he was really sick over the weekend and that it was amazing that he even could study at all, then mentioned that while it does severely suck that it was his midterm (big portion of his grade) he could turn around, powerhouse study, and make sure to get a GREAT grade on the final term. He snipped at me then said "None of this helps in the least bit. Please just let me go take my nap." It hurts so bad because I feel like I am doing everything wrong in being the right kind of lover for a depressed one, while this is a massive burden on him. I want him to be as happy as possible. I have even considered moving closer to him seeing as I am in a point of my life where I could be mobile and still okay. I also worry that I caused him to be this way, that I am not enough, among other things and I see it taking it's toll on me and dragging me down too (though I don't tell him those things, much less anything about the turmoil in my family.) I find it a struggle to hear that he is lonely, when he used to tell me that I was the one who made him feel not so alone - so I blame myself. I feel like I have made him become neurotic with my reactions to his sadness. I just don't know what to say anymore and need help. We are really good together and he is my best friend. I don't want to give up on him or him on me.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 September 2014):
 I don't think getting a business MBA is a good idea. A college degree is not a guarantee for a job. Maybe he is sheltered and has good family support but not good connections. His dreams are shattered and finds it hard to cope. He may think an MBA means better opportunities but once he graduates it could be the same thing as now. It's life. While many jobless graduates do something practical such as construction and any job that comes by, he may be too proud to do something below him.
Anyway this is his life, not for you to comment. I can see that you are very gentle and understanding. You have mentioned to him time and time again you are not going to leave him. Encouraging him does not work because this degree isn't what he dreams of, it's something to do to postpone having to think about working. I can't think of anything to be supportive while also being true to my beliefs.
This is not an adolescent having an identity crisis. This is a mature adult choosing to stay in education when the job market does not need more degreed people but skills, social or physical. He has been depressed for 9 months. I don't know if he needs medicine. He is resenting help because he thinks that you are only encouraging him and would only love him if he becomes productive and successful. You can only be supportive if you agree with what he is doing in life. You can be his friend, but romantically he has nothing to offer you. You feel that as a good person you have to stick through thick and thin, but money is important. If he has no career nothing could happen between you two. You can only stick in there until you run out of compassion.
A
female
reader, Vianneeey  +, writes (17 September 2014):
Men are creatures of pride. They like power, money, nice cars, score a supermodel, etc. When they can't get what they want, it hurts their ego. Although they seem tough on the outside, most guys vulnerable inside if this happens, especially if it's been happening for a while.
My suggestion is, be the most supportive gf ever. Don't nag as he already has enough stress.
When you're doing LDR, it seems everything fine because you guys communicate when you can. Now you're close to each other, he might feel that he has the obligation to see you more often & he struggles managing his time.
If I were you, I would let him go. Make him focus on his career. Tell him that you love him, and always be there for him. But he need to focus on one thing & let him have all the time to chase his dreams.
I have a brother with depression & the best thing we can do is be there for them when they need us. Send them little reminder that we love them once in a while (either food, cute video, or simply say I love you). Don't try to fix him, and don't blame yourself as this is something that he needs to deal with himself.
It will be hard for you to let him go. But you do this out of love and if you explain it to him, he will understand. The easiest way to explain this: Be his best friend, not his girlfriend. One day, once he get his life back, imagine who's the first person that he will thank?
p.s keep me posted
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