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We've split and I've turned to drinking and occupying my time to cope, but nothing works! How can I stop drinking and how do I move on?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 January 2007) 4 Answers - (Newest, 31 January 2007)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:


I have been through a very nasty break up with my partner of more than 2 years. I am not going to go into the full story of that as I really don’t want to take much of your time, beside it is a very very sad story anyway.

Basically I loved her so much and in return I didn’t get the love from her that any human being as a good lover deserve to have and to get. She treated me like I am not good enough for her, and her needs, and so many other things which made me feel like I am just there to make her happy all the time and not for both of us to be happy together!!.

As a result of this separation I have been put through lots of financial pressure, as well as emotional hurdles of forgetting her and moving on with my life, but I have found it very hard.

I have never been a drinker as such, may be just socialize pint of beer with the friends once a week, but now as a means of coping with all these pressure, I am drinking at home, and it is becoming very regular, but it is helping me passing the nights and days. I know it is not the way and it is not good, but I really don’t know what to do!, and how else to cope with this, as she has gone and she really doesn’t care of what is happening to me. I have some very good friends and I see them as well and they help me, I also try to keep busy as much as possible and all these helps me to some extend, but it is not the solution for me.

I am scare that I become alcoholic and I hate that, as I am pushing through my limits almost every nights, on the other hand I am saying this could be just a temporary tools to get me pass this hard period and then I will be fine and will stop drinking.

I just need that energy, help, and desire to move forward with my life and most importantly some how stop drinking !! how can I do that? And what are the steps I need to take ? I need to move on with my life, but how?

Please advice me , thanks very much

View related questions: alcoholic, move on, period

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (31 January 2007):

DrPsych agony auntSounds like you have been through a tough time! But you recognise you have a problem with alcohol which is the first step towards recovery. Ask for help from a doctor - most areas have support groups. Stop buying alcohol for your house - if it is not there you are at least having to go out to get will deter you during low points. You realise this woman doesnt care about you but in some ways she is still permitted to inflict hurt and damage on you. You can become a victim of a bad relationship or you can take control of the situation and be a survivor. Perhaps you would benefit from relationship counselling to get things off your mind. But at the end of the day, you are suffering from is a negative state of mind and you need some help from a cognitive behavioural therapist to help you reframe your thoughts in a more positive light. Good luck!

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (31 January 2007):

AskEve agony auntFirst of all I want to commend you for taking the time to tell me about your problem, it's hard for men to sit down and tell a stranger about their personal life but you've taken the first step so well done there!

Secondly, you KNOW you can't keep drinking the way you are. Hitting the booze is only covering and dulling the real issue temporarily, it is not getting RID of the problem but I'm sure you realise that. So what WILL?

TIME and a POSITIVE ATTITUDE will! Everyone has problems, some worse than others, it's the way we DEAL with them that makes the difference. You know you have to stop this drinking, there are no advantages to it.

This is what I'd like you to do... Write down the advantages to you drinking then write down the disadvantages you see from drinking. Next, write down the things you would love to achieve in life, things you're good at, things you'd love to try but haven't had the time. This might be a hobby you've wanted to take up or places you'd love to visit. Write them all down. And lastly, write down all the POSITIVE things about yourself, good attributes you know you have! (We all have them.) Think POSITIVE when you do this, you are in control, no one else.

Now go over them all. This will take time to do but do it when you are relaxed and have a SOFT drink beside you, not an alcoholic one. Make small goals for yourself and tick them off as they happen. Write them down and pin them up on the refrigerator. Ring your calendar and say "from this day on I'm never going to touch booze again until I know I can control it." It's only a crutch for you at the moment but you're sensible and you know that. After 7 days write on your calendar 1 WEEK OFF and pride yourself that you've achieved that goal. Busy yourself with things to do, look at the list of things you want to achieve, you could even be an agony aunt on here and help others! :o)

I'm going to give you a some links you can look at to help you with your alcohol intake. I KNOW you can beat this. NO woman is worth ruining your life for. Bury your past, close the door on it, only THEN will a new door open for you and great things will begin to happen for you if you remain strong and confident and you CAN do it, you can do ANYTHING if you put your mind to it love.

When you look at these links you will read stories of people who have battle with booze for years yet conquered! They are inspirational and will let you see that there's always someone worse off than you are!

Here is another link I want to give you, this will help you get your confidence back. It is a movie called "The Secret". It is an absolutely phenomenal movie and will totally exhillerate you and make you feel strong again. Unfortunately it costs $4.95 to watch but it is a small price to pay for the information it exudes. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!!

These links will take your mind off your problems and will help you to move forward! If you want to talk with me again then feel free to email me and I'll reply. Let me know how you get on with the links I gave you okay?

You CAN do this!!!!


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A male reader, Dagwood South Africa +, writes (31 January 2007):

Dagwood agony auntHi Anon. Sorry to hear that you are suffering so much! I know it's very hard and I'm going through the same thing at the moment. I was dumped by my mistress of 5 years after leaving my partner of 14 years for her. I also felt I could not cope and turned to booze as a solution! Believe me it is NOT. It actually makes you feel more depressed and sorry for yourself. What worked best for me was a visit to my local GP who gave me some mild sedatives to help me relax in the evening and sleep better. Also he recommended a counsellor who guided me through the worst times, put things in perspective and I learned about personal issues that I had. I also joined a local running club and have lost tons of weight, got fit in the process and met lots of new friends. Forget her, she's gone. Put yourself first now. Time will heal and you'll grow as a person. Mail me directly if you want to talk more. Be strong, stay in touch and take care.

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A female reader, Jovial South Africa +, writes (31 January 2007):

Jovial agony aunthi

i am really sorry about what you are and went through but i will tell you one thing "life goes on" let her go she wasnt good for u anyway. she is happy with her life and not bothered because you are her past and thats where you will stay for good. do you want her to go around saying it feels so good that she dumped you? because of the way you are handling yourself? you have become irresponsible i think alcoholics started with the same thinking you are entertaining right now. please dont give her that satisfaction. why do you want her to care? she didnt when u were together and i dont think she will change her mind.

you loved and lost her and that is part of life, start going out on simple dates without expecting anything maybe by doing this you will find the reason to go-on as u will see that there are still more women out there who can appreciate the person you are. you are young and seem to have a lot going on except your financial situation which is just a temporary hicup if u ask me. so get out of that shell and start appreciating the things you are left with like your life.

dont give up on yourself just because your bf left u, you are still strong thats why you were able to send this post today, take this as the first step to your healing. you have friends who cares enough, if u continue feeling sorry for yourself you will end up loosing them as well. and you will start blaming the whole world. believe she was good riddens and i hope one of this days you will realise that.


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