A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We have been together 7 months, and have just started living together. I'm 42 and he's 38.From the start we saw a lot of each other but he would only stay over at weekends, so we would have sex then and sometimes during the week.I thought once we lived together this would mean a more active sex life but it has gone the opposite, he rations it to once every 4 days.He likes lots of cuddles and tells me every day he loves me yet when laying next to me at night he won't touch me. Last night he was laying behind me (spooning) and I could feel that he was hard, but he just went to sleep. As soon as we get in bed he says goodnight and kisses me to let me know there is no possibility, therefore there is no point me initiating things.When we do have sex there is little to no foreplay anymore.I have tried speaking to him about it he says he is tired all the time. But how come he wasn't tired in the early days? He's quick enough to tell me how much sex he was having with previous girlfriends.I don't want to nag him but it's making me feel unattractive and unwanted. With my last partner, I was having sex 4 times a week. Surely we should still be in the 'honeymoon' phase?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): He might be witholding on purpose, as there is a bit of a control freak element going on. Is he controlling in any other arears? I would check this out...
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 January 2015):
 So yo uare at a moot point.
YOU already discussed it and he wrote the lack of sex off as, him being tired. No more.
Well as you say he was QUITE capable to have sex when you first started dating and he hasn't changed his work schedule? He isn't working 70 hour weeks where he was working 40 hours before?
To me it's a bait and switch. We see SO many post where it's the WOMEN who initially are willing to have a lot of sex, but as soon as they move in together things change.
Have you considered trying 30 days with not sex?
As for him mentioning the exes, I think it's more of a statement of his virility (n his eyes) then any lack in you. But the discrepancy is.. his WORDS doesn't match his actions.
So, as it stands you have to decide if not having more sex then you do is "enough" or not. And then plan accordingly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies
It has been talked about but goes around in circles, and always comes back to him being tired. I accept that, my issue is why he wasn't too tired in the beginning nor was he too tired with his exes so the only conclusion I can draw is he has gone off me. It's just confusing when the rest of his actions, cuddles/ hand holding etc says the opposite so I'm getting mixed messages.
I would never bring up my sex life with my ex even though I know he wouldn't care, he's not jealous at all about things like that and doesn't understand that when he brings up stuff about his exes it DOES hurt me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 January 2015):
I would consider 2 things.
1. TALK to him - I don't care if he is tired. YOUR needs aren't met, and HE doesn't know this unless you tell him.
2. If nothing changes after "the talk" I'd move out (of if the place is yours, ask him to move out). Otherwise it will end up in a total room mate situation where you are there to help make it cheaper and give him that "GF-experience" when HE wants it.
I too get energized after sex, most men I have ever known gets tired. I think that's a natural instinct.
You also commented that there is hardly any foreplay no more, so I will presume that in the initial stages there was. To me that is bait and switch. Now that he has you living with him and taking care OF him, he no longer needs to put forth the EFFORT to keep you sexual needs fulfilled.
I do think you two have different levels of libido and needs. Some people CAN find a compromise, others can't.
I'm NOT saying that he NEEDS to step up and have more sex or that YOU need to repress your libido. That wouldn't be fair on either of you. BUT you DO need to TALK this through with him, OR nothing will change.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): try to comment to him when the time is right that you wish if he could make love more often as that will make you feel more wanted but for heaven's sake never tell him about your ex's 4 times/week. Also take the initiative yourself sometimes. men love partners taking more active role in love making.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): I have exactly the same issue with my boyfriend. It's been a year and the desire is not there for him in the same way it is for me. After a few months the sex reduced to a few times a week then once a week and then twice a month if that. I think maybe he was trying to please me initially but is now just more comfortable and being himself. I too find things difficult as with my ex we both wanted sex frequently. I don't think any amount of talking can increase a basic sex drive (my experience). It's like wanting a full person to feel hungry.
My advice is to look elsewhere for physical release and enjoy his good qualities if you want to stay together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's no medical problems. I don't think 4 times a week is a lot...that was with my ex anyway.
I love my partner very much and enjoy that physical connection, just think in these early months we should be all over each other.
I find it odd that now he's tired but in the beginning he was ok with it.
Sex has the opposite effect on me, it wakes me up. Even at weekends when he's had lots of sleep he's still not interested.
I'm starting to feel like his friend more than anything, the only difference being we cuddle, hold hands, say I love you and kiss goodbye each day.
Seems like he doesn't desire me like I do him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Maybe he was tired in the early days. What men won't tell you is that after sex he gets tired. 4 times a week means he wakes up every morning feeling groggy and struggling through a work day. I don't think once in 4 days means rarely. It's about right for a 38 year old man. As long as you both still enjoy it I don't see a reason to feel unwanted.
What they say in Tao about conserving energy, the vital chi isn't some kind of myth. As a woman I get tired after sex too. Most men would put a priority on sexual prowess over practical things in a relationship such as housework and socializing with other people. I would much rather see a full time functioning man over a tired one. Unless he has health or mental problems preventing him from wanting and performing sex, I think you are dealing with an honest man with good intentions.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 This sounds all upside down to me. here must be something going on physically9i.e.prostate problem,etc.) or, i suppose it could be high stress on the job or in private life. it just doesn't sound 'normal' for a man to turn away from sex. It's normally the other way around with the man complaining about his wife or lover not responding. good Luck
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