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We've been married 19 years but my wife goes to clubs to meet single men!

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 May 2007) 13 Answers - (Newest, 22 May 2007)
A male United States age , anonymous writes:

My wife and I have been married for about 19 years. She's 39 and I'm 44.

For the past 6 months she's been hanging out with her recently divorced cousin (female - 44) and they have been going to nightclubs for the past 6 months about 2-3 times/week and usually staying out until 2 -4 am.

About 2 months ago she told me she wants out of the marriage because she no longer loves me. About a month ago I found out she's been talking to a single 30 year old male that she met at one of the nightclubs she goes to. (I noticed this seems to be very common after reading alot threads out there) Anyway I confronted the male person and informed that he was talking to a woman who is married and has 3 children and a husband at home. After that she informed me that he no longer was going to call her however she informed that she missed talking to him (knife in the heart!) (She claimed they were only friends that discussed how he could get back with his ex-girlfriend and she says nothing ever happen other then a hug and kiss on the cheek)

Now she's saying that she does want the marriage, but wants to continue going to the clubs (where this male hangs out) weekly without me (she say's she can't be herself if I'm present - probably so she can flirt withother men all night) She says she sees no problem with her having these new male friends she meets at these clubs. I know if I had female friends from night clubs she would have a nuclear meltdown!

So I need some good advise out there should I continue just to love and hope she comes to her senses (basically be a doormat). Plan B do I get a female friend (probably immature approach, but the thought has crossed my mind) since she's saying that as long there is nothing physical going on then there's no problem with having friends of the opposite sex - problem is you must have a strong foundation of trust in place and we don't and the trust bank is bankrupt - I don't trust her and she thinks I want to get even with her. She's a very controlling person and she is already accusing me of cheating on her (I have never cheated her from day one) Although they say people who accuse you of cheating are probably cheaters themselves (I don't think she has cheated on me, but who knows - it's not like she's going to admit it) Plan C - tell her to move out until she knows what the hell she wants. I do still love her so any of these choices are very difficult to make. I feel like I'm being way too nice to allow her to continue the nightclub scene when she knows she's hurting me. I'll take all the advise I can get - thanks!

View related questions: bankrupt, cheated on me, cousin, divorce, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, immature

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (22 May 2007):

AskEve agony auntI think you and your wife still love one another deep down, you've both just got into a rut. She's bored in this relationship and doesn't feel special any more. She looks at you as boring and predictable and is spreading her wings to capture a bit of excitement. How old are your children and how many do you have?

She's went out with her cousin and rediscovered that there's life out there! She's rediscovered that other men find her attractive, pay her attention, give her compliments and she's loving it. Women like a challenge, they don't like everything on a plate, hard as it may seem, they like the chase. What you musn't do is give her ultimatums, this is a definite no no at this point, she'll only laugh in your face if you do and will and prove a point to spite you by continuing to go out.

If I were you I would play her at her own game. Be very calm about it all and ask her one night when she gets home how her night went. Seem interested but NOT jealous, then ask her how SHE'D feel if you were to go out with the lads one night... see her reaction. If she says she doesn't mind then go out and make sure you look GREAT and smell great when you do. Even if it means you go to your parents, sister's or old auntie Nell's, SHE doesn't need to know where you're going, as far as she's concerned you're out having a good time then come back in after midnight and say nothing about your night, in fact tell her you're shattered and go to bed. Doing this a few times will really annoy her and you can bet she'll start asking you questions. You see it's okay (in her eyes) for HER to do it but not for you!

If she really loves you then she'll want to know where you've been but just say "out with friends". The less she knows the better. ONLY THEN you sit down with her and discuss the situation. Ask her how she'd feel if you were to take a woman's phone number but insist she's "only a friend". Put the ball in HER court!

What you're aiming to do is let her see that when the shoe's on the other foot it's not nice! You may have to go out a few times before it hits home with her but I'm sure she'll get the message eventually. Oh... and don't have sex with her either, make excuses, "you're too tired," "you're not in the mood" etc etc. As long as she's acting this way DON'T buy her flowers or do anything nice for her. Let her see exactly what it feels like!

If you go in for the big ultimatum though you're only going to hit a brick wall, trust me! TELLING her to give up her clubbing, her "friends" and her cousin will NOT work.

Eve

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (22 May 2007):

Frank B Kermit agony auntI am proud to be writing to you. You're willingness to read up, and take on the challenge of change work is admirable. Good for you. I support you 100%.

-FBK

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Frank thanks for you're input - I have been reading this ebook no more mr. nice guy for past couple of days and it basically describes me to the tee , basically it says that most nice guys r too nice so they get treated nice in return(basically it says that you'll never get what u want,because you're trying 2 meet everyone elses needs b4 yor own)- ithat's basically what I'm doing w/ my wife. You're right I need to get some balls & just lay down the law with her behavior & tell her it's over if she continues the nightclubs & that will be the only way i'll gain her respect.

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (18 May 2007):

Frank B Kermit agony auntI read through you additional posts...

Dude, go see a lawyer, and learn everything you need to in order to protect yourself from in proceeding to get a divorce. Enough is enough. Grow some balls.

Put your foot down once and for all. You are too much of a nice guy. She takes her ring off when see goes out? Dude, you are a door mat.

See a lawyer, and proceed with caution. You are getting set up, and are living in denial.

Even in this thread, I suggested swingers clubs, and instead of taking the lead in your own life to look it up yourself, you have to ask HERE if you should google it?

Com'on man. You were once acting man enough to attract your wife...somewhere in that nice guy shell of yours is the alpha male that his wife feel in love with years ago.

I think over time, you become a son to her, and made your wife into your mother. That makes her lose attraction for you.

-Frank B Kermit

www.franktalks.com

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

just wondering what exactly goes on at swingers clubs? Where do you find them? Just do a google search i guess.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

. Actually she has plans to go out with her divorced cousin this Friday Night. I really wanted to discuss these issues tonight with the marriage counselor, unfortunately she(marriage counselor) cancelled for tonight will not be able to meet with us until Tuesday night. I can't wait until Tuesday to make a move here. Basically what I wanted to say at counseling tonight was for her to give up going to nightclubs without me, stop hanging out with her divorced cousin and no male friends that aren't friends to this marriage, and start wearing your wedding band again and if you can't do that for the sake of our marriage then I need to file for divorce (her reaction will probably be you can't give me an ultimatum and I need more time), because I can't go on living this way. Lately she starts arguments over the way I might dress and imply that I'm looking to meet someone else when in reality that's the farthest thing from my mind, however I believe that's on her mind. I have always mistaken her jealousy for being an act of caring or love when reality it's about control not love or caring. So if anyone has anymore great advice out there I would appreciate it. I also want thank everyone who has taken time out of there busy schedule to give their viewpoint.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have always been attentive to her, buying her nice gifts, flowers, date nights and always complimented her on her looks (she's 39 although she could pass for being 30 and she's very attractive and she knows it!) I guess I always believed there should be no restrictions in a marriage and that you should trust the other person to do the right thing. Although she blew my trust by exchanging phone #'s with another 30 year old male. I have also been seeing an individual therapist and he wanted to just focus on my needs, which took me a few weeks to come up with a list of my needs.The reason why it took so long was because I've always tried pleasing other people before my needs and I'm starting to see that there's alot of my needs she isn't fulfilling especially to have a trusting relationship. She has always been a very selfish person and if I sit around and wait for her to make her mind up, I'll just become more resentful. Would I be out of line to call her cousin and ask that she stop contacting my wife for night outs etc. I know my wife's reaction would be you have no right to call her and say that. Another question - If I basically through down the gauntlet and say no more nightclubs, male friends and divorced cousing or the marriage is over. Actually I have said that, but her reply was don't make me decide now and if you do I'll choose divorce. The other question is if she chooses to go out to nightclub anyway should I go to the same night club - I feel that would be very confrontational(not in a physical way just a verbal way - probably her more than me, because she would feel I've invaded her space) and could get ugly. She has already stated that she can't be herself if i'm present and she doesn't want me there, although in marriage counseling I agreed not to go there and invade her space

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

. I have arranged to have a baby sitter come on Saturday nights , since she wasn't available on a Friday night(her clubbing night) and I've done this a few weekends, but it usually ends up in argument either her accusing me of wanting to get back her and cheating her(I'd walk away before involving another person that wouldn't be right)or I might start because of the tension existing with her continued nights out. I did say to her on a couple of occasions either give up going to nightclubs, male friends and her divorced cousin, because all of that is poison for our marriage. She stated in front of the counselor she knows it's hurting me, but she doesn't care about my feelings. She said she's hurting from all the lying and hiding she feels I did and what she's referring to is I have my own landscaping business and over the years I have made purchases for the business without discussing it with her, but they were all just business purchases it's not like I went out bought a new boat for myself. I do realize if that's a need of hers to discuss that prior to me purchasing equipment I need to meet that need. I pretty much have sacrificed alot for this marriage by putting my family & my wife first and I have no regrets & I don't drink, smoke, do drugs and I have never ever cheated on her. I have always been attentive to her, buying her nice gifts, flowers, date nights and always complimented her on her looks (she's 39 although she could pass for being 30 and she's very attractive and she knows it!) I guess I always believed there should be no restrictions in a marriage and that you should trust the other person to do the right thing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I think everyone out there has hit the nail on the head and that i'm just sitting around for her to make her mind up and mean while it's torture for me. I keep hoping she'll do the right thing and come around. As a friend stated to me the only way you're going to get respect from her is by putting your foot down. I guess I've been reading too many divorce busting books about how you shouldn't make demands and just patiently wait for the person to come back to you - but if I do that I'll never get any respect from her. We are currently seeing a marriage counselor we've only seen her about 3 times(we haven't had much progress, because the counseling is still learning about what both of our needs are, although she seems to be good - we'll see), so far , so we still have alot work to do. However the only thing she(my wife)does is show up to the marriage counseling, but by her actions shows nothing else has really changed. I have arranged to have a baby sitter come on Saturday nights , since she wasn't available on a Friday night(her clubbing night) and I've done this a few weekends, but it usually ends up in argument either her accusing me of wanting to get back her and cheating her(I'd walk away before involving another person that wouldn't be right)or I might start because of the tension existing with her continued nights out. I did say to her on a couple of occasions either give up going to nightclubs, male friends and her divorced cousin, because all of that is poison for our marriage. She stated in front of the counselor she knows it's hurting me, but she doesn't care about my feelings. She said she's hurting from all the lying and hiding she feels I did and what she's referring to is I have my own landscaping business and over the years I have made purchases for the business without discussing it with her, but they were all just business purchases it's not like I went out bought a new boat for myself. I do realize if that's a need of hers to discuss that prior to me purchasing equipment I need to meet that need. I pretty much have sacrificed alot for this marriage by putting my family & my wife first and I have no regrets & I don't drink, smoke, do drugs and I have never ever cheated on her. I have always been attentive to her, buying her nice gifts, flowers, date nights and always complimented her on her looks (she's 39 although she could pass for being 30 and she's very attractive and she knows it!) I guess I always believed there should be no restrictions in a marriage and that you should trust the other person to do the right thing. Although she blew my trust by exchanging phone #'s with another 30 year old male. I have also been seeing an individual therapist and he wanted to just focus on my needs, which took me a few weeks to come up with a list of my needs.The reason why it took so long was because I've always tried pleasing other people before my needs and I'm starting to see that there's alot of my needs she isn't fulfilling especially to have a trusting relationship. She has always been a very selfish person and if I sit around and wait for her to make her mind up, I'll just become more resentful. Would I be out of line to call her cousin and ask that she stop contacting my wife for night outs etc. I know my wife's reaction would be you have no right to call her and say that. Another question - If I basically through down the gauntlet and say no more nightclubs, male friends and divorced cousing or the marriage is over. Actually I have said that, but her reply was don't make me decide now and if you do I'll choose divorce. The other question is if she chooses to go out to nightclub anyway should I go to the same night club - I feel that would be very confrontational(not in a physical way just a verbal way - probably her more than me, because she would feel I've invaded her space) and could get ugly. She has already stated that she can't be herself if i'm present and she doesn't want me there, although in marriage counseling I agreed not to go there and invade her space . Actually she has plans to go out with her divorced cousin this Friday Night. I really wanted to discuss these issues tonight with the marriage counselor, unfortunately she cancelled for tonight will not be able to meet with us until Tuesday night. I can't wait until Tuesday to make a move here. Basically what I wanted to say at counseling tonight was for her to give up going to nightclubs without me, stop hanging out with her divorced cousin and no male friends that aren't friends to this marriage, and start wearing your wedding band again and if you can't do that for the sake of our marriage then I need to file for divorce (her reaction will probably be you can't give me an ultimatum and I need more time), because I can't go on living this way. Lately she starts arguments over the way I might dress and imply that I'm looking to meet someone else when in reality that's the farthest thing from my mind, however I believe that's on her mind. I have always mistaken her jealousy for being an act of caring or love when reality it's about control not love or caring. So if anyone has anymore great advice out there I would appreciate it. I also want thank everyone who has taken time out of there busy schedule to give their viewpoint.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I think everyone out there has hit the nail on the head and that i'm just sitting around for her to make her mind up and mean while it's torture for me. I keep hoping she'll do the right thing and come around. As a friend stated to me the only way you're going to get respect from her is by putting your foot down. I guess I've been reading too many divorce busting books about how you shouldn't make demands and just patiently wait for the person to come back to you - but if I do that I'll never get any respect from her. We are currently seeing a marriage counselor we've only seen her about 3 times(we haven't had much progress, because the counseling is still learning about what both of our needs are, although she seems to be good - we'll see), so far , so we still have alot work to do. However the only thing she(my wife)does is show up to the marriage counseling, but by her actions shows nothing else has really changed. I have arranged to have a baby sitter come on Saturday nights , since she wasn't available on a Friday night(her clubbing night) and I've done this a few weekends, but it usually ends up in argument either her accusing me of wanting to get back her and cheating her(I'd walk away before involving another person that wouldn't be right)or I might start because of the tension existing with her continued nights out. I did say to her on a couple of occasions either give up going to nightclubs, male friends and her divorced cousin, because all of that is poison for our marriage. She stated in front of the counselor she knows it's hurting me, but she doesn't care about my feelings. She said she's hurting from all the lying and hiding she feels I did and what she's referring to is I have my own landscaping business and over the years I have made purchases for the business without discussing it with her, but they were all just business purchases it's not like I went out bought a new boat for myself. I do realize if that's a need of hers to discuss that prior to me purchasing equipment I need to meet that need. I pretty much have sacrificed alot for this marriage by putting my family & my wife first and I have no regrets & I don't drink, smoke, do drugs and I have never ever cheated on her. I have always been attentive to her, buying her nice gifts, flowers, date nights and always complimented her on her looks (she's 39 although she could pass for being 30 and she's very attractive and she knows it!) I guess I always believed there should be no restrictions in a marriage and that you should trust the other person to do the right thing. Although she blew my trust by exchanging phone #'s with another 30 year old male. I have also been seeing an individual therapist and he wanted to just focus on my needs, which took me a few weeks to come up with a list of my needs.The reason why it took so long was because I've always tried pleasing other people before my needs and I'm starting to see that there's alot of my needs she isn't fulfilling especially to have a trusting relationship. She has always been a very selfish person and if I sit around and wait for her to make her mind up, I'll just become more resentful. Would I be out of line to call her cousin and ask that she stop contacting my wife for night outs etc. I know my wife's reaction would be you have no right to call her and say that. Another question - If I basically through down the gauntlet and say no more nightclubs, male friends and divorced cousing or the marriage is over. Actually I have said that, but her reply was don't make me decide now and if you do I'll choose divorce. The other question is if she chooses to go out to nightclub anyway should I go to the same night club - I feel that would be very confrontational(not in a physical way just a verbal way - probably her more than me, because she would feel I've invaded her space) and could get ugly. She has already stated that she can't be herself if i'm present and she doesn't want me there, although in marriage counseling I agreed not to go there and invade her space . Actually she has plans to go out with her divorced cousin this Friday Night. I really wanted to discuss these issues tonight with the marriage counselor, unfortunately she cancelled for tonight will not be able to meet with us until Tuesday night. I can't wait until Tuesday to make a move here. Basically what I wanted to say at counseling tonight was for her to give up going to nightclubs without me, stop hanging out with her divorced cousin and no male friends that aren't friends to this marriage, and start wearing your wedding band again and if you can't do that for the sake of our marriage then I need to file for divorce (her reaction will probably be you can't give me an ultimatum and I need more time), because I can't go on living this way. Lately she starts arguments over the way I might dress and imply that I'm looking to meet someone else when in reality that's the farthest thing from my mind, however I believe that's on her mind. I have always mistaken her jealousy for being an act of caring or love when reality it's about control not love or caring. So if anyone has anymore great advice out there I would appreciate it. I also want thank everyone who has taken time out of there busy schedule to give their viewpoint.

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A female reader, LenaTobery United States +, writes (17 May 2007):

LenaTobery agony auntur not being nice u just go with the flow and take everything she throws at u and let it build up speak ur mind because without u saying anything she'll keep doing what she want tell her cousin to go to hell find somebody else to go out with ur wife is needed with u. ur wife thinks that she should be there for her cousin when she should really be there 4 u sit her down make her listen and if that don't work i see that u have alot of back-ups.

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A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (17 May 2007):

Your wife is creating a lot of distance between the two of you through her behaviour. And you are creating that distance too, by allowing it to take place in the relationship. I don't hear you saying "I told my wife this behaviour is hurtful, and that is is unacceptable, and that you won't tolerate having a relationship like this, where she is going outside the relationship for things that she should be getting from me." I don't here you saying that you told your wife "you are hurting me and I won't accept that any more, either stop this hurtful behaviour and help me fix our marriage together, or I am leaving you".

Your options are all about waiting for her, what about what you want? These kinds of problems are not uncommon, as this website is testimony to. They happen because none of us are taught how to manage relationships, and there are always unconcious forces that separate us and create this distance. There is one excellent solution, which is to seek out a marriage counsellor, so that you can discover why this is happening, and what you can do to get back on track. There are many other solutions too, most of which probably won't help you. Time for you to choose what you want, but know that there are people who can help you save your marriage, if you are willing to ask for help, and if your wife is willing to work to save it too. Otherwise, you are headed for divorce.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (17 May 2007):

Frank B Kermit agony auntOk, what I am going to state is not going to be popular but I think you need to take some action.

Firstly, why would you let your wife go to clubs with her divorced cousin? This was very predictable.

Second, no, she can not hang out in clubs with her new male friends. With or without you there.

I am going to suggest that you both go to a swingers club. My guess is that she is hitting her sexual peak, and her time with her new single cousin has triggered something, that will not stop. Go to a swingers club together for information night, and enjoy the experience together. And no, this is just for the two of you, so do NOT bring the cousin along, nor any of her new "friends". None of them give a damn about your marriage.

If this does not work, see a lawyer, and start planning to divorce your wife.

She needs to make a choice...your marriage and kids, or her cousin and those false friends that just want to F**k her.

-FBK

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