A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I had an interesting and slightly upsetting conversation with a friend tonight. We got on to many inane topics that a few drinks brought to the surface and he asked me about my ‘type’. I explained that I am not someone to generally pick in terms of appearance but if I had to choose an ideal I would paint a picture of what came to mind.I happened to say that I prefer white and Hispanic appearance to very dark skinned women but that I have found women of any race attractive so it was a generalization, not a rule.Now, I know it is not a great conversation to have but let’s be honest; we all talk about things we shouldn’t at some point. I was then told how racist I was etc etc. I asked him what specifics he wasn’t attracted to and he said ‘larger women’. His argument was that people can control their weight but not skin colour. I tried to explain that it has nothing to do with what you think of a person and that finding someone attractive is not a choice; but he couldn’t understand me saying that what he said was no different in my mind. I really don’t think myself to be racist when I say that I don’t normally consider very dark skin attractive but am I wrong? I feel attraction involves a multitude of things and it is not controllable by cultural ideals. I’m sure there will be mixed opinions but I appreciate your comments. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2019): Your friend is a PC sxxx stirrer, who shouts peace, yet actually creates war. You said nothing wrong, your intent was innocent and honest, your friend was stirring. People like this, are pushing for conflict and divide and trying to create it where it 'did not' exist. Tosser
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 February 2019):
 Code Warrior absolutely NAILED it when he said this:
"IMO, your friend was trying to exercise control through faux moral authority and virtue signalling. If he can get you into a defensive posture then he can control you by essentially demanding acts of contrition."
I couldn't agree more if I tried!!
The ironic thing is, the people at NAAFA and HAES (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance - and - Health At Every Size) would take umbrage to your friend's aversion to larger women and refer to him as ignorant or bigoted.
You are neither bigoted NOR racist. A racist is someone who treats another race with prejudice or discrimination or considers their own race as superior to another. "Racist" is, unfortunately, way too overused of a word nowadays, and has joined "abusive" in being reduced and diluted into a buzzword.
I prefer guys who have receding hairlines. They are my type and turn me on! That doesn't mean I"m anti-hair racist! It just means I have a type! Attraction knows no PC police. You are attracted to who you're attracted to, end of story! Now can you be attracted to someone not your "type"? Sure! My husband has no receding or balding whatsoever. He has thicker and more luxurious hair than most guys in their early 20's! But that doesn't mean it offends my "type". Likewise, you could fall desperately in love with someone with darker skin!
Ugh, like Code Warrior, I do NOT put up with that crap.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (15 February 2019):
 I don't believe what you said was racist. Its a preference and most people do have preferences when it comes to dating. I think your friend may have been a little drunk and possibly looking for a fight. Sorry but I disagree totally with WiseOwl on this one.
I am bi-racial myself (Japanese/American) and I wouldn't have been offended by your comment. I honestly am attracted to men who are of Asian descent and have slim builds. Does that make me racist? I don't think so.
People are sooo super sensitive nowdays that you can't say ANYTHING without someone being offended. Its getting to be ridiculous. Don't worry I don't think you said anything racist and the majority seems to concur with me on here.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 February 2019):
 It's not racist, but it is questionable. If you find people of all skin colours attractive, then stick to that, rather than picking a couple for your "dream girl".
Preferences are normal and totally okay, but it's always possible to seem a little mean if your preferences imply that people who aren't like that are unattractive to you.
It wasn't racist, but because skin colour is a sensitive topic, implying that you're not attracted to someone just because of their darker skin does come across as a bit dodgy. That said, any preference relating to physical appearance can be seen as superficial if the preference comes across as "no way!" rather than "not my usual, but not a deal-breaker".
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 February 2019):
 No, not even close.
I’m a child of a half caste father (Jamaican father/white British mother) and white British mother, so I have slight Afro Caribbean roots. If I heard this discussion I wouldn’t of bat an eyelid for the simple reason that finding someone attractive is a personal preference. If you don’t like dark skin, hows that any different to not liking people with ginger hair? Or people with tattoos? It’s something in your eyes that makes someone not especially attractive.
Racism is the oppression of a group based entirely on their race. Not finding someone attractive because they have darker skin than someone else is not racist. If someone who had a facial disfiguration approached you and you turned them down does that mean you discriminate against disabled people? Of course not, it means you’re not sexually attracted to them so you don’t want to pursue anything romantic with them. Am I transphobic because I don’t find transsexuals attractive? We could go on all day with this.
Being racist is treating an ethnic group negatively or with prejudice based solely on their race. Ignore what your friend is saying, he’s talking rubbish and needs to learn what words mean before throwing them around so loosely.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 February 2019):
 Aw please. I see that the PC police is patrolling hard in the UK too. Too bad; so far, they seemed to show some more common sense than their American cousins, but I guess this is changing...
So what if people can't change their skin colour ?
People cannot change their height either, yet many women are more attracted to tall guys than to short ones. It may not be " fair " , but , if we are talking, as I suppose, about physical and sexual attaction, our senses, our body, do not deal with " fair " - they respond to what they respond , whether it is the most ethical choice or not. If, in choosing our lovers and partners, we should not favour a skin tone over another, - then we also should not favour any height, weight, hair and eye colour, nose and mouth shape etc.etc...We cannot favour any specific physical trait over another - then I suppose we just can't choose , any woman or man will have to do; providing, of course, guaranteed equal representation and equal access to all races : so , for every white lover, then I'll have to also take a black one, then an Asian one, then a biracial one….. ? And if I don't, I am a racist ? -
Heck no. Affirmative action stops at my bedroom door. I want everybody from every race to have equal rights, equal access to vote, education, work opportunities ,police protection, health care, freedom of speech , religion , association , circulation, etc. etc .,- but please do stay out of my sexual, aesthetic, and visual criteria. Preferring a white skinned partner to a dark skinned one, or viceversa , is just as " racist " as preferring blue shoes to brown ones. It's personal tastes ; and I hope we are still allowed to have some ..
Plus, I think that your friend was drunk, or spoiling for an argument, because you clearly precised that yours is just a general preference, not an unbreakable rule.
You, like tons of other people, go for the whole package, the general " feel " of a person. You normally don't go for very dark skinned women, in the sense that in a room full of women they would not be the first to catch your eye, but , if I understood correctly, if you met someone who is dark skinned but also exhibits traits that you like ( a sexy voice, a terrific sense of humour, a classy demeanour- or whatever it is that you dig ) you WOULD find her attractive and you WOULD date her.
Don't change tastes - change friends :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 February 2019):
 You're not racist. And your friend is probably pansexual, or Close to it, if he really can see Beyond all things related to appearance besides size (and then he appears to only care about size because he thinks its a personal choice... like who chooses to be fat, but whatever).
Your friend is quite judgmental. You're not racist. Yes, your taste IS coloured by Cultural standards and no, there isn't that much you can do about it other than expose yourself to other cultures. But to what point? I am quite sure if you found yourself surrounded only by dark skinned women, you would end up finding many of them attractive. But there is no need to date a dark skinned person just to prove a point.
We all have preferred types, and it's not racism. Now, if you have said all dark skinend people have low intelligence, or are like animals, then it's racism. But having a sexual preferrense towards one type or another is not racist.
It might help to think of a different case. Think of a homosexual man, for example. He isn't sexist just because he isn't attracted to women. But he can still be sexist if he thinks women are beneath men and of lower intellect.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2019): That was not racism, you were simply stating your preferences. Besides, people usually date/marry within their race anyway.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (15 February 2019):
 So your friend finds ALL skin colours equally attractive? I doubt that very much. He is just being an ar$e (in my humble opinion, lol).
We ALL have preferences on EVERYTHING when it comes to feeling attractions towards others: skin colour, height, weight, hair colour, eye colour, size of nose, size of hands .. . You would be amazed what attracts or puts people off.
However, preferences are, mostly, just that: general preferences. They are not usually "deal breakers". By that I mean that someone may say "I prefer lighter skin colour" but then meet someone with very dark skin who they connect with. I have had personal experience of dating men who were not "my type" physically yet I felt attracted to them because I felt a connection, despite the fact they had different physical attributes to the ones I usually find attractive. As you yourself say, it is about the whole package, not individual characteristics.
We live in a society where people are quick to see offence where none is intended and to be offended on behalf of others. You could just as easily have called your friend "sizist" because of his comment about heavier women but you are obviously a more sensible person than your friend.
Do you know what I find unattractive? People who try to make you feel guilty for not agreeing with them. People who try to make you feel bad because you are human. If this is something your friend does on a regular basis, I would review the relationship and ask yourself if you would not prefer a nicer friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2019): No, it's not racist or even remotely racist. So, because I prefer apples to oranges, all the oranges of the world should call me a bigot? It isn't about race. It's about preference. I am not attracted to black men nor would I ever date one. I know what I like. I like black people. I respect black people. Some of my closest friends are black people. But would I date one? No. Because I am not attracted to them. That's my preference. Period.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 February 2019):
 I think your friend might not be in the best mood that night and was looking for an argument. Whatever you answer could be considered racist. It's almost as if you had to say you prefer dark skin to lighter skin in order for you to not be a racist. I disagree that people can control their weight. Some people are born with a larger build. They are supposed to be larger and there's nothing wrong with that. If they force themselves to fit into the "perfect" bmi of 19 they would have to starve themselves and become sickly. Calling someone racist is hurtful. It is the same as if you call him discriminatory towards larger people assuming that they are just fat, lazy and undisciplined. There isn't a term for that though. Your friend is in the wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2019): As someone bi-racial who has been on the receiving-end or have witnessed many incidents of racism and/or racial insensitivity; I will give you my "personal" opinion. I can't speak for all races, or any particular nationality of people. Just myself.
Your comment was racially-insensitive; and having an aversion to "darker skin" leaves much to wonder about you. Whether it was entirely racist would be left-up to the ear of the listener. If I were present to hear it, I would have been offended by the entire conversation; but lets deal with your comments first.
It borders on racist. Not all people have white-skin. Lighter skin-color doesn't set the standard for beauty. A lack of exposure to different cultures and/or appreciation for diversity would seriously limit your view of beauty. It's one thing comparing the color of horses, dogs, or cats. It's entirely different when referencing human beings.
Having a dark olive/tan complexion, black hair, and almond-shaped eyes; frequently I'm boldly asked if I'm Asian, or Latino. Other times, if I'm Middle Eastern. I get stares when I fly from people trying to figure-out what my ethnicity is; doing their best not to come right out and ask me. My mother is full Native Indigenous American, of the Cherokee Nation. My father is of Greek heritage; but there are some other racial influences in his family-tree.
The reaction to my parents' interracial-marriage was not always the best; so we were sheltered as children. Times haven't changed much. The climate in the United States over the past two years is more racially-tense than ever!
Much of what you feel about dark-skinned people comes from social-conditioning. Learned from outside influences or passed-on from your parents. People who grow-up in diverse or less segregated communities; tend to be less focused or selective about race, or the color of your skin. Learning and understanding makes a big difference.
We all have prejudices, it's human-nature. How these prejudices influence the way we treat other people and how we judge them is the important thing. I'm skeptical of people who claim they don't see color. We all do! We all don't have negative opinions of the differences in other races.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Your friend challenged you on your sensitivity. You're attracted to what you're attracted to, as you've rightfully indicated. You might want to keep such opinions in your head, and not let them fly out of your mouth in the wrong company.
Now about your friend. He was speaking along the lines of size or deportment. Like some women like huskier men over thin men. Not the same as race, but runs neck to neck when it comes to insensitivity. He chose his words, by saying larger women. He didn't say "fat" women. It's a matter of size, not race.
You don't consider very dark skin attractive. You're not wrong to have a choice or preference. Everyone has a"type" or preference; but to feel dark skin is unattractive goes deeper than just preference, my friend.
Your friend might be somewhat correct about you, I'd guess. However, not knowing you, I'll give you benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't defend you in a group; if the general consensus is that you are. Anyone with dark-skin would definitely say you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 February 2019):
 I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with racism hwne it comes to what a person is attracted to.
I grew up in Denmark and in my childhood through teens, I met MAYBE 3 people of African decent. (Not talking movies or music stars here but ACTUAL people you interact with.)
So MY preference was and still IS tall, fair and fit. That's it. BECAUSE that was the men I saw most of. Now some like the opposite of what they are used to seeing around, I don't. Neither do you, perhaps.
I also don't find many redheaded MEN attractive. They can't help having red hair and can't really change it, EVEN if they dye it, they are still redheads.
I think brown eyes are lovely, but I DO find blue/green/grey more attractive. People can't change their eyeballs either.
I don't like very HAIRY men. Which might also be why the more "Northern European man" is more my "type. Hairy men can't really help being hairy, sure they can groom the fire out of themselves, shave, wax and whatnot... but what if they LIKE their fur?
Some women don't like bald men... Again, PERSONAL preference.
No different from preferring white/Hispanic looking women.
Now if you said, I don't like black women (insert lame reason; like, their hair isn't "whatever"long/straight) I would have found THAT comment a tad on the racist and IGNORANT side.
Some men are VERY into Asian women. Because they look VERY different than what they are used to, or because generally speaking they are often more petite than European/American/Australian women.
We like what we like.
And fat people can't "just" become thin. Sure they can lose weight, but not every big girl WANTS to be thin. So I really don't see how HIS choice of "not liking fat girls" is any better or worse than you not being into someone with darker skin.
I think people take racism to such a idiotic level. I have seen people getting into arguments and when one of them feel they are losing, the racist card is tossed in there. Like an end all sentence.
A friend of mine who happens to be black, has never dated a white man nor would she. So what? If she likes her men black what is wrong with that?
My guess is, IF you were NOT white yourself, it would have been OK in your friend's eyes to not be as attracted to "whatever" group.
On the other hand I don't think I have ever met someone and decided that they CAN NOT be attractive because they aren't my "type". Mostly because I think attraction (to me at least) goes WAY beyond just looks. Sense of humor, wit, intelligence, character, personality. ALL that is probably more important for me in being "attracted" to someone.
What YOU find attractive might not be what someone else finds attractive, and vice verse... that is just how it goes.
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