A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I met this guy nearly 2 years ago, we were really good friends. He then became flirty with me and I had an attraction to him, but then he said we could just be fwb I guess I couldn't go through with this idea and we agreed to continue being friends, he informed me he was looking for a wife, an arranged marriage. This kind of made me feel jealous so I kind of stopped communicating with him, he then told me he really liked me and hoped we could see what happens, and if I'd consider marriage and converting in the future. I said I'd see how it went, I really liked him though. Things seemed pretty good, a few months in he asked me if I'd like to meet his family, so I visited them, I was very nervous, but they were very nice. However after that visit he became distant, and after 2 weeks later he told me couldn't take a relationship because his dad was seriously ill, which he was, he told me to move on. Well I couldn't stop thinking of him and still remained in contact but missed hearing from him everyday. After a few months he comes to see me and tells me he is looking for an arranged marriage, but he told me we were not suitable and told me my ways annoyed him and he needed somebody more like him. I felt hurt because he always came across he liked me. When we parted we hugged, but then one thing led to another, but he told me we could just be fwb again, he seemed so affectionate though, it wasn't just sex, we did a lot of hugging and kissing, but afterwards I felt so down as I had feelings for him. I then didnt hear from him for a week, but found out he was on a marriage site for Muslims.I felt sad, he rang me at the weekend, but my gut was telling me he was only ringing to tell me he had found a wife, so I messaged him later to say I think it was best to not ring me again and we part company as he would marry shortly, I said I wished him a happy life.He never replied back. I see him online for long periods and I just know he's talking to another woman who potentially is going to get married to him, I feel sad and jealous, and wish I had been good enough for him.So I just wondered, do you think he always wanted one thing? Or do you think it could have been to do with his family I visited? I feel sad, I wish I could tell him I miss him and want to be with him, but the rejection is horrible and none of it made sense
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broke up, flirt, jealous, kissing, move on, muslim, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 July 2016):
 Sweetie from the word go he mentioned FWB, that shows he did not look at you as potential wife material, did he like you? Yes he probably did, just not as his wife, him and his family want a girl who was raised muslim, so do not take that personal, it is just there culture. Yes maybe his family did sway his mind after he took you to meet them, either way he made it clear it was just about the sex. Stop checking him up online, block him and move on with your life.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 July 2016):
 I think it comes down to the fact that you IGNORED what he said from the get go. He asked for a FWB in the beginning because SEX is what he wanted from you, company, "friendship" were welcome too, but he DIDN'T want to date you as he KNEW there was no future with you.
HE know going into it that he would marry someone else.
You need to LISTEN to what a guy says. He played you. The while would you be my wife and convert? Was a carrot... and it lasted all of what 2 week? He got what he wanted from you, sex. And in return you got some half-assed "promises".
Learn from this. DATE someone who can accept you AS you are and for WHO you are.
Chalk this one up to a mistake.
When you stopped talking to him the first time (when he told you about arranged marriage etc) you should HAVE stuck with that not talking. Now you know.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2016):
 It makes sense, instead, if you think that he asked you for an FWB even before anything happened ! That's how he got you pegged from the start, as non-wife material. It's not that he was sly about it, he told you that he was having his marriage arranged. Presuming that he is in your age range or older- that's not a scared, confused boy yielding to parental or social pressure, that's someone who knows how he wants his life- and his wife - to be. Muslim.
Note that Muslim men are allowed to marry " people from the book " i.e. Christian or Jewish women without them having to convert. ( Any other religion is considered pagan, and a big forget-about-it ). Conversion is welcome, of course , yet not mandatory or forced, and lack of it not a dealbreaker.
But, Muslim is not just about the official label. It's about shared traditions, views and mentality. He might have had a problem not so much with your official religion, for isntance, as with your sexual past- and with your availability to casual sex. It's a bit like the joke " I would never join a club who accepts me as a member ". Many Westernized Muslim men have no problems having pre-marital sexual relationships with non Muslim women, even if it is " haram " ( forbidden, impure ) - but as for actually marrying their playmates, eh that's all another kettle of fish. The bride has to be a virgin, or at the very least they must have found her a virgin . Plus, of course, Muslim girls , although many modern, educated Muslim girls are far from being the humble half-slaves of yore, have different ideas and expectations about marriage, thereby resulting in less demanding, less challenging,less complicated life partners.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 July 2016):
 Don't waste your time on this guy, he's made his preferences pretty clear. He can't stand for you, cannot stand by you. Is this the kind of person you see yourself spending your life with? Even if his family was opposed to you, he could have fought for the relationship. Not only did he not do that, he went a step further to insult you by suggesting an FWB. Talk about selfish!
Forget you not being good enough for him, he's not good enough for you. Pity the woman who eventually ends up with him because he sounds terrible, to be honest.
Wake up and smell the coffee. This guy was nothing but bad news and thank your stars that you're out of this relationship.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2016):
 His family were opposed to you because they are skeptical of women who had to convert instead of being raised Muslim all their lives. As to your ways being annoying to him, I guess that translates to you being demanding, compared to Muslim women who are submissive in their nature and put family and husbands' needs as priority. It's possible that he liked you, but he felt it's easier to listen to his parents by accepting an arranged marriage than to be free but cause conflict in the family. He's being practical for the long term and he chose the easier path. You will hear that one day he's married, and he would contact you to see if you are up for more sex. Probably when his wife is 6 months pregnant and doesn't want to have sex. I won't be surprised at all.
You can do better than him. I have a feeling he's living in the states of UK and has been westernized. He may not even be the type that prays 5 times a day and abstain from alcohol. But yet here he is, wanting the best of both worlds. The freedom to screw then to settle down with someone chaste and obedient. Someone who's truly Muslim in heart would not have sexual dalliance with a non Muslim, especially at a time when he's about to be married. Who's to say who's good enough to whom?
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