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female
age
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*utterfly69
writes: i have been having an affair for 1 year with a man who has a partner he tells me he loves her but, what does the but mean. also he says one thing but his actions show me something else, he has told me he is smitten with me he also cannot keep his hands of me he said he is no good at the lovy dovy stuff but he shows me a lot of affection all the time we are together. he has also told me that he has always been a face man thats why he fell for his partner they have been together 20 years and he has never gone astray like me who has been married 30 years and never been with any one but my husband, so this has shocked me that i have fallen in love with another man. he has told me that he idolises my feet bum tummy legs hands im confused about how he really feels towards me or am i being used
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): Sorry.just to amend a phrase I said, in my posting..
Change the wording from "excuse the excusable" to
"excuse the inexcusable"
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): I totally concur with Eddie's comments and the comments of some of the other Aunts on this thread. I, too was surprised at your statement "if you were married to my husband you would understand why I went down this path"?? How can you just use this rationale to excuse the excusable? Hun, you are always going to face challenges in your life and marriage, like all of us do. The true mark of a mature, good woman is facing those challenges with character and courage. Divorce your husband, first..then go do whatever you want. None of us can eliminate the reality of difficult marriage problems, but we can, as women, avoid inviting others into our beds. This other man does not care...he just wants you to meet his needs. The fact that he meets your needs, only means that you have some clear-eyed soul searching to do.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 June 2007):
 It's strange how people justify doing the wrong thing because it suits them. People steal because the want money, the cheat because they want to manipulate results, they lie because they are afraid to face the truth and they commit adultery because they forget to work on the marriage when it's going off course.
"if you were married to my husband you would understand why I went down this path" Really? Now because of your actions, you've joined the ranks of those who choose to play dirty. If your husband had his weak points, you've just exhibited yours.
"it's a very complicated situation we are in" Of course it is, you two made it that way. There was no situation before you created one.
The fact he makes you feel good is really of no value. I'd feel good driving my neighbors sports car. I wouldn't steal it though, no matter how much I thought I deserved it. My neighbors wife is pretty too, very sexy. I wouldn't think about getting into bed with her. Why not? Believe it or not, I wouldn't do it because I'm married. She's married and I respect my marriage as well as his. It's very easy to criticize your lovers spouse, picking out all her bad points, when we've got our pants around our ankles. The fact is, if the spouse is so rotten, he'd leave. If yours was so bad, you'd have left too. People become lazy in relationships, make bad choices , too much time goes by, water under the bridge and then they point fingers.
No matter how you dissect this, you're both wrong. You began this because of all the things you didn't like about your husband. Take a look in the mirror. You're not exactly leading a life that I'd consider to be a shining example of the standard society values.
When you're in a bad relationship, you fix it or end it. You do not start another in the manner you chose. It's just wrong.
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female
reader, silent_whispers  +, writes (5 June 2007):
If your marriage with your husband isn't a marriage, then why did you stay around for 30 years? secondly, there is a good way and a proper way of doing things or a wrong way. Why don't you discuss the situation with your husband and try and improve things, and if its a no win situation then why dont you seperate/divorce, because whats the point of staying in a non-existent marriage. Also with the man in question, if he loved you, he would be married to you! men who don't get married and stay in relationships either prior to marriage or after they are married to someone esle, simply want a bit of no strings attached fun. Maybe you are physically attractive, and he is attracted in that sense, but for this man, its a game, hes got 2 women who he is playing. How can you settle for being a woman on the side?Don't just jump at the chance of affection, you are worth more than that. I can honeslty say that if you told that man you didn't want to continue this affair he would leave you too it, and what would you be left with?nothing. Men have nothing to lose by having affairs, because a lot of the time, women are forgiving, but when women have affairs, as well as bad labels and losing respect, they lose loved ones. Make it work with your husband, because that relationship has gods blessings, and affairs has satans blessing. Dont settle for less, your husband loves you thats why he married you and he has stuck around this long. I don't know the complete situation but it seems like your not getting much affection/attention from your husband, but communication is the key.despite anything what is wrong is wrong. The last thing you want is for your husband to find out and leave you, and for this man to leave you, when he finds a better looking woman. Men who go for looks cant ever commit, cuz women come in all shapes and there are many gorgeous women, for all you know, he might even have another lady at the side, i dont think you can trust him, if he can cheat on his wife of 20 years with you, then he can cheat on you because he has no commitment to you, just think over things and dont let anyone take advantage.
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reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (4 June 2007):
 im sorry but u are both cheated on people u love. u r being used men talk crap when they want sex and he probably isn't get enough at home so he is gettin it somewhere else if there wasn't a problem with ur relationship than why would u cheat on ur partner
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male
reader, agony_uncle_r +, writes (4 June 2007):
I'm sorry, but you're betraying the man you swore an oath to love and cherish for life. You have no right to feel hurt by the affair you've chosen to have. It's obvious this man is just using you if all he talks about is physicality. But then to cheat and lie, you deserve to be used as a consiquence. Maybe you should clear your life and come clean to your husband what type of wife he really has.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 June 2007):
 To answer your question, yes you are being used. I wish you had asked whether you were doing something wrong, or what you should do about your immense guilt and shame, or how to act honorably towards your husband, or whether you should dump the cheating scumbag and try to get back on track with your husband of thirty years, or whether your children will be negatively affected by having a sleaze for a mother Etc...
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female
reader, butterfly69 +, writes (4 June 2007):
butterfly69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionif you were married to my husband you would understand why i went down this path its not a marriage worth saving and i am done trying the man iam having the affair with is staying for different reasons, its a very complicated situation we are in and he is not married to his partner.no i dont feel any remorse or guilt all i know is that he makes me feel really good we have know each other 9 years and worked together for 9 years we had always thought what we felt for each other because of other people but now its to late
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (4 June 2007):
 It sounds to me as though he is having his cake and eating it, i would walk away and try and make good your marriage otherwise alot of innocence people are going to get hurt.
Take care.xx.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (4 June 2007):
You said he's smitten with you. So, he's not in love...he's in smit. Really though, that's the least of your problems. What difference does it make, yo're married.
What your asking is this, can you please advise me on if I should carry on cheating on my husband with another married man? What you should be trying to figure out is how you can sae your marriage. You have not even discussed that option or mentioned what lead you down the wrong path. Do you feel any remorse?
You didn't just fall in love with another man, yo allowed it to grow. Instead of nurturing your marriage, you allowed yourself to take too many steps down the wrong path. If you had paid attention to the warning signs, a common mistake, you might have prevented this. I assume this other guy paid some attention to you, it felt good and slowly bgan yo get out of control. Unless you have issues you didn't mention, 30 years with your husband is a lot to throw away? Do you feel any guilt?
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