A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I love each other very much, but we don't get much opportunity for sex. He is very affectionate, but only initiates sex in bed and at night, when he's tired. He's also rather inexperienced and anti-oral... So I don't always come.My once rampant sex-drive is dying and I'm getting depressed over my lack of orgasms to the point of not even being able to masturbate!We've talked about it, but he just gets upset and I just can't remember what I like any more, so I can't help him.I need help, as it's really getting me down!
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best friend, depressed, orgasm, sex drive Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your time guys, your answers are very long!
Sandman knows my story already, but for benefit of Anonymous... My husband is a lovely, sensitive and cuddly man. He loves everything I do, but does not like giving oral. Sometimes he's very passionate and attentive, but generally does not need sex as much as I do.
He knows what to do, because I've tought him well, but if I initiate sex, he gets too horny to stop and finger me!
We also have a little girl, so sex whilest she's awake is tricky!
He's put on a lot of weight recently, and I think that has lowered his libido too... I still fancy him, but he just has less energy!
As far as masturbation is concirned, it's not that I can't please myself, I just don't want to... If I have a loving husband, my head tells me I should get more action from him than from my right hand!
Anyway, point taken about making him feel more wanted. He knows I want him all the time, because I say so and act like it too, but I'll try not to get so depressed!
Thanks again, you've been great!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Why is he anti-oral? Does that include blowjobs? Manual stimulation is very important for most women, and can easily make up for when intercourse is for a variety of reasons not enough. In-experience shouldn't matter if you two are willing to experiment and you provide a bit of feedback. But just maybe he is intimitated by your experience. If you think the kama-sutra is for newbies and he still needs a chart to find all the various parts, well, his libido might just take a nose-dive. Nothing kills sex-drive in men faster then the idea that he ain't living up to expectations. He might also just be a prude. Frankly you mention far to many possible reasons for why it ain't happening, to give a remedy, and you better hope not ALL of the reasons are true because then you might just have a guy who is never going to meet your needs.Low sex-drive.Anti-oral (does he feel intercourse should be enoug?)Refusing to talk about it (Ego getting in the way?)About the only hopefull thing is that you claim he is affectionate? In a physical way? If he hugs/kisses etc you during the day, can't YOU turn it into something more. It may sound crude, but woman pressing herself against you when you give her a morning kiss doesn't exactly leave most men cold. Hump his leg. Show him that you want him RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.Of course, that might also totally fail if he has the ego I fear (the non-oral bit might mean he thinks men should control sex and women should come from just intercourse).You know him best, is he a chauvenist pig, or just intimitated, or just doesn't know perhaps how much you need it.Don't forget, society still has us believe that it is men who are the rutting pigs always after sex and women who put up with it.You KNOW this isn't true, but does he know?But whatever you do, remember the male ego, saying he leaves you unfullfilled is NOT going to help. But maybe first you should sort yourselve out. You can't even masturbate anymore? Look into that first, if you can't make yourselve come, how the hell do you expect an inexperienced guy to do it?
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A
male
reader, Sandman  + ♥, writes (10 March 2008):
 Sex is a big part of marriage and needs to be given it's due focus and attention to keep the bedroom rockin' (pun intended).
For starters, I think your sex drive isn't dying, it's just probably that you're getting used to not getting it the way you want it - or not having an orgasm like you used to. If your sex drive was dying, you probably wouldn't care about your sexual relations with your husband and therefore wouldn't be seeking advice on this site. So having said that, I think you just need a little spark to keep that flame roaring.
Experience comes with practice. Practice comes with a little exploration. If sex is always the same - everytime, there won't be too much variation on your sexual relations and it will be the same old tune - in the bed and at night. But you can spice it up a little bit too. Maybe you can initiate sex the moment he walks through the door coming home from work by being stark naked on the sofa. Or prepare his favorite meal - and serve it nude! Sit on his lap while feeding him and let feed you. Sex isn't just about putting a penis in a vagina - it includes everything that we do to get to that point of penile-vaginal contact. Find some ways to initiate sex before you ever get into the bedroom. Many couples find that spontaneous sex in the kitchen, or in the bathroom, or in the living room is just the spark they needed to get their sex life back in order.
Find a night of exploration. Not really sex - just exploration. After a hot shower together (the warm-hot water will aid in getting the blood flowing to the right places :) ) get in the bed and explore each others bodies. Find out all over again what the other likes. Have him show you what he likes - how he likes to be touched and where. And you do the same. Show him where you liked to be touched, kissed and caressed. Lay there learning about each other bodies. This might lead to sex and it might not - but it's the brain your focusing on. The feeling of being touched in certain places will send waves of brain chemicals flooding to the brain a set a chain reaction of sensations.
And lastly, try not to be too demanding or condescending. Let him know that you want to please him, and you would like him to please you. Take your time. You'll find that rhythm again. And once you do, you'll be rockin' to the beat of a drum you love (again, pun intended).
If you wish to talk further, you can send me a private message.
Hope this helps.
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