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anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. I am only 18 and my parents think this is just a crush. We have always been happy together my boyfriend and I, until lately he has become distant and treats me more like one of his guy mates. He says nothing is wrong but I'm not so convinced. What can I do to make him realise how much this is upsetting me?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (23 March 2005):
 Hi,Here's a mental exercise for you, to illustrate the point I want to make to you about you and your boyfriend.Think about who you were two years ago, when you two started going out in 2003. Think about the classes you were taking. Think about the clothes you had, the music you were listening to, the TV shows that were fundamental to your entertainment that year. Think about the friends that you had, and the sorts of conversations and worries you had then. Think about the mobile you were using!Now... imagine that you're back there now, in your 18-year-old incarnation. Wearing the same clothes, listening to the same music, having the same conversations about the same TV programs and worrying about the same classes.Sound kind of uncomfortable? Daggy? Stupid? Well, it is, because you've grown and changed and (we hope) improved as a person in those years.Incidentally, so has your boyfriend.That doesn't mean that you can't still love each other, or that what you have is any less real, but you have to accept that the young man that you met two years ago has changed, and might have grown in different ways to you.When people get together as young as age 16, it's good and inevitable that each one of them is going to change as they get older. You wouldn't want to be exactly the same at 45 as you were at 16, right?But what also happens - often - is that those changes mean that you grow apart from people who are important to you. So, your b/f may just have developed different priorities and interests since you started going out.It's important to keep communicating, and to do it without guilt or argument. So, find a time when he's not distracted by work or responsibilities or friends and talk to him about it. Ask him specifically if there's anything bothering him. If he says there's not, then tell him that's good, but that there is a problem on your mind.Then tell him what you've written here, that lately you feel more like a mate than a girlfriend and that you miss the intimacy that you had. Ask him (nicely) if he was aware it.It could be also that he's just in a rut. Maybe you two could plan some special event or weekend where you can re-connect. Something you both enjoy. Something romantic that can spark you both back up.Relationships, both old and new, go through these slumps. The trick is to keep the communication going, to resolve to respect and love each other no matter what and sometimes, to let the other person have some "time off", if they need it.Finally, your b/f may be pulling away because he really is ready to end things. If so, refer back to the start of this reply: it's probably just a case of growing in a different direction to you. Very few relationships that start in a person's teens make it into adulthood, so try to be brave.Hope that this gives you some insight.
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