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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi there, I hope you are able to offer me some helpful advice. Last year me and my best friend (who is male) slept together. It was my first time. It wasnt meant to happen but it did, and it kept happening over a long period of time. In the end we decided to not continue and to be just friends. However, i since found out he was seeing someone whilst he was sleeping with me. According to him we werent officially 'sleeping' together and my angry response to him was seen as 'over re-acting'. After i calmed down i tried to talk to him about it, to explain why i got upset and angry. He doesnt want to put in the time to fix our friendship or talk about it. He has been my friend since childhood and he doesnt make contact with me anymore. I miss my friend, ive lost my confidence, im still angry and he wont communicate. I just want to know why and im not getting any answers. Can anyone shed any light on this for me? or offer me some advice on moving on with my life? any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 January 2006):
 To put it bluntly, what happened was that he let his willie run his brain, rather than the reverse.
The fact that "it wasn't supposed to happen", but that it did happen "over a long period of time" suggests to me that --after the first time-- he assumed that you two were Friends With Benefits, and didn't consider that you thought the sex was an offshoot of any special relationship. In his mind, you weren't "official", so he felt OK about seeing other girls.
You called him on it and got angry that the relationship wasn't exclusive and that's when he probably realised that you two had different takes on the same situation.
Some people might say that he took advantage of your friendship. I say that might be the case if you had sex with him *once*, then stopped. The fact that you did it over and over, and didn't once discuss with him whether it meant anything to him, or whether that made you anything other than friends says to me that you never believed sex with him was of any value. If you didn't, why should he have thought it was?
In other words, you set yourself up dear, and now you want him to feel guilty for doing what you agreed to. But why? He did what you allowed (and allowed... and allowed...). Now he's embarrassed that he hurt your feelings and doesn't understand why you want to fight about something that you didn't seem to think was a big deal at the time. That's why he's avoiding you.
You have to chalk this one up to experience, I'm sorry to say. You may be able to be friends with him later in your lives, but you need time to get over your hurt and disappointment first. Then you need to step back and think about your sexual life. Why are you so passive? Why didn't you feel free enough to talk to your "best" friend when he and you had sex? What are you going to do differently next time?
In future, you need to be more involved with your sex life, OK? Talk to your sex partners, find out what the story is before you hop into bed with them. Understand what you're doing, and what kind of relationship you're getting into, before you give consent. Until you do, you're going to end up getting hurt, being angry and outraged and wondering why your partner doesn't "get it".
Good luck.
A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (6 January 2006):
 Dearie, my heart went out to u when i read ur post. You two must have shared some special bond, at least so u thought. I know he was your first lover and u had hoped he was ideal and was very dissappointed to find out he has being unfaithful to u at the time.
It is time to let him go and see him as part of your past. He isnt forthcoming in communication and why should u bother calling him anyway. Take this as experience.
If he did really value your friendship he will contact you again and then u will be ready to deal with the situation and him. Now take time to view your emotion and think about yourself. Stuff to make you happy.
Turn to your friends and family that could help you with support and love at this time. Join your friends for a night out and have fun. Do alot of activities, sports, hobbies, parties e.t.c to get your mind off things and believe me the pain goes away with time.
Goodluck dear
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