A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in this is relationship for close to 12 months now. He has been my colleague (and still is) and was my good friend for 7 years. There were various cues in his behaviour evidencing a romantic interest in me which i over looked ( i never had any feelings for him all these years), such as calling me out to movies with another friend of his who would never turn up and staring at me with an infatuated smile on his face. Our entire office noticed this and used to make fun of us. I refused to believe this until he proposed out of the blue. He is a really nice guy and very warm and also a trusted friend. Though skeptical intially , i said yes because of all his positive traits. 5 months into the relationship he proposed marriage. Then 3 months after the marriage proposal he came up with a whole bunch of conditions which really shocked me (c'mon i though i knew him for seven years and thought i knew him well enough!!). I have listed his conditions below :1. His parents must like me ( Doesnt he have the confidence to even convince his parents that iam the right one for him ?? )2. Our horoscopes should match (For people who arent aware what this means , in my country as per astrology we have a birth chart based on our date time and place of birth and a girl's and boys horoscope should match based on some factors which would predict a successful relationship - His aunt and uncle's horoscope didnt match and his uncle died hence he has this baseless phobia of marrying a woman whose horoscope doesnt match his ).3. i Should quit my busy job . (I really love it. It may be tedious and i would have to work long hours but how can i dump my career).4. I should live with him and his parents after marriage ( He is from a different community with really different customs , there might be lots of clashes between his parents and me , so i suggested that we live as a separate unit and always check on his parents and take care of them when they need it instead of staying together and fighting all the time. He took offence at my suggestion and asked me " How dare you try to separate me from my mum?" .. I tried explaining that i would also be leaving my parents to live with him and have my own life .. He retorted saying " You are a girl and thats how girls should live .. " .. I never really knew he was such a chauvinist.. He then said if i didnt agree to these conditions he is ready to dump me ..he was a very good friend all these years , was someone i could discuss everything with over a good cup of coffee and after all this time iam unable to comprehend his behaviour. HE has also confided all his troubles in me all these yearsi come from a really broad minded family and i know for a fact that his family is too narrow minded and is headed by his male chauvinistic father who has tortured his mother all these years(his father doesnt have a normal marital relationship with his mother anymore and has ignored for for a good 25 years and even threw her out of the house when she was carrying this boy). I have met his parents and have also spoken to his mum and know these horrid stories to be true. While i feel sorry for his situation,i cannot help but think he is giving me the same treatment slowly. He helps me when iam in distress and i too help him when he is in trouble. While he highlights whatever help and support he provides, he refuses to acknowledge my support or my commitment. There are times when he also feels inferior (he is really good looking , very intelligent and is an able communicator). I Have tries supporting him and help him with his confidence issues. He keeps saying that his father had a troubled career even though he was sharp and intelligent hence he too is destined for the same fate. No matter what i say makes him change his heart. During these times he says that i need a better boyfriend.And if there is any problem at office , he starts shouting at me , picking up fights calling me names or else blocks me totally. Either ways he is treating me as he pleases and if i remind him of this , he says our relationship itself is a mistake and that despite everything , our relationship is consensual so its my problem.Each time iam lauded in office he tells me that iam meant for better things in life and says he wants to breakup. This really ruins my happy moments as well. (yesterday i shared some happy news about my career with him since he is one whom i consider closest after my mum and dad, being the single child that iam, and he replied "Congratulations. Now pls move on and let me also move on to better things".. I got really angry and fought with him.. at the end of our fights he called me ugly and said he hates all my photos coz iam not goodlooking..Iam really hurt by all this. For me its 7 years of friendship which i though was real and another year of a relationship which i wanted to stay gone awry. Iam unable to come out of this and keep calling him even now. He has blocked me on all mediums - phone chat FB, email ,SMS everywhere.. Someone pls help.. It really hurts..
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot aunts for all your advice .. was quite useful .. kindly dont take the nationality details too seriously.. i am not a columbian by ethnicity FYI... .. To let you guys know about my present status .. i have been given an opportunity to relocate to a different country temporarily .. and have conveyed the same to him .. i told him i would like to be single for sometime and rethink the whole thing .. i have also started maintaining distance from him emotionally .. he still keeps whining saying iam better than him .. but iam trying not to get affected by it anymore .. hope things change for the better .. thanks a lot once again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2015): Wtf. As a fellow Colombian, the whole astrology crap would have me running for the hills. No one sane takes it that seriously. They sound like the kind of people from the deep countryside that go get their tarot read.
If this is the case, yes, the communities are different but his attitude is really machista and unequal. He is still a mama's boy at his age and if you were to marry him eventually whatever his family says/thinks is what will go on.
This is extremely difficult to change, and he doesn't seem like he will do it. The whole thing sounds like a huge headache and waste of time. Imagine being married to him dealing with this crap 24 hrs a day. He obviously doesn't take into account your feelings about things and doesn't care about your opinions. You aren't a partner to him, you are the future cleaninglady that will take care of his parents. If you refuse he will leave you. Is that what you want?. He is extremely narrowminded and childish. Leave him.You dodged a bullet
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): The best thing that has ever happened to you is this break up. You don't see it now. The worst thing that could happen to you is he calls you back. You have already thrown your self esteem in the mud, and admitted by your actions that you are below him. Get angry, get a therapist, go no contact, and hope that there is a just God who will keep this man away from you.Ps if you ever moved in with his family his father and his mother would abuse you. By then you would have no career no friends no money and no choices. Get help now. (I have been on the brink like you of making a long term mistake that is would be impossible to come back from). This obsession is your pride speaking.....you didn't even like him that much and he is dumping you!). Silly to ruin your life for such a ridiculous reason. You can and you will do better. Put down the technology and get outside to real life...no Facebook, no IM nothing. Go for real life conversation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): Count your lucky stars!
You only reluctantly agreed to be with him yet now you keep calling him? Why?
he has issues with control,low self-esteem etc. but so do you, otherwise why accept such behaviour and want him back when you KNOW that the the way he is treating you is wrong???
Let it go and find someone more broadminded. Work on your own issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFYI - my real age group is between 25-28
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): No you should not marry him, he sounds controlling.
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