A
male
age
41-50,
*live_Pancho
writes:I've been in a long distance relationship (international actually, I'm British, she's American) for around 9-10 months, we met on the internet, and we love each other with all our hearts, of that I am 100% certain. We have our differences, but we're good friends, we get on very well, and that forms the solid basis of our love.However, we've been talking recently about marriage, and things feel a little strained. She changed my stance on marriage, and I now want to marry her, and we've argued about my getting a ring (go down the jewellers to get some help choosing, you've got the day off), and the latest thing is the marriage.She wants to take my name when we marry, hyphenated to make a combined surname, which is fine, I want her to make a choice she is happy with concerning her married name, and she wants our children to have the same hyphenated family name, which I agree on. However, she believes I should also do the same, so we can be together as a family unit, with our own family name. I am against this, I do not want to change my name. I will take her surname as a second middle name, but I want to keep my surname as it is.Why? It's hard to explain. I've never wanted to change my name (I've had the opportunity when my mother remarried), and I feel that by changing my name, it'll change my identity, I don't feel comfortable with the idea that I'll be called by a different surname. She raised the point that I don't get on with my dad lately, but that has no bearing on my being comfortable with my own surname.Her surname is important to her, as she had her father's surname, her parents were apart and she never knew her dad. She took her mother, and grandparents' surname as they looked after her, and she felt different from them with her different surname. I understand how important that is for her, but is it selfish of me to not want to change mine so that we all as a family have the same family name? Sorry for rambling, but this is a serious issue for me. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Just be a man and tell her no.
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (6 March 2007):
 Whoa, this marriage is so not a good idea if the pair of you cannot come to an agreement over something like this as early on in your relationship as this.
I understand that you want to keep your own name, but I cannot understand why you cannot even consider this to make your new wife happy? Understandably you did not want to change your name in the past, but this is the time when you are going to show love and commitment for you wife to be, it is important to her so why not?
(By the way I am playing devil's advocat here, please bear with me).
I want to put the shoe on the other foot now. If your fiancee announced to you that she would marry you because you had 'changed her stance' on marriage, and then told you that she did not want to change her name to yours at all, how would that make you feel? Would you be disapointed? Or would it not bother you? If you had children wouldn't you be a little perturbed to have a family unit that had differing names from youself? I only ask these questions in case you have not asked them of yourself....what is it that makes you so DEAD against this?
It sounds as though she wants a 'you and me' against the world situation, she wants to feel secure in your family and part of a unit that no one can pull aprt, and I think that this is just her way of showing it.
BUT, I also feel that if she is already unable to accept reasons that you give her for NOT changing your name there will be many more situations when this opposition of views will rear it's ugly head in the future. Are you fundemantally oppsoed on different things like religion, schooling, where to live etc? Talk to each other, don't let it turn into a slanging match and degenerate into spitful silences.
I actually feel sorry for you! I would hate to be in this situation and I hope that the pair of you will mange to resolve it.
Good luck.
x
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 i think you need to keep the name you are happy with, according to my cultural belief from creation a wife is identified by her husband name i dont know whats yours but if its the same i think you have compromised enough by allowing her to keep whatever name she likes i think she has to retuen the favour. in my culture a wife takes the husband's name not viceversa and if she decides on a double barrel name she keeps it herself and the children take their father's name but thats my culture. which makes this a dificult decision to make if you have the same upbringing with me. i think the better way of handling this is not to compromise your beliefs your identity means a lot to you and she should respect that. otherwise if u change your name unwillingly you will live to regret it.
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