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We seem to have grown apart, is there a way back or should I go it alone?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 December 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 1 January 2011)
A female South Africa age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Good evening to all and happy new year!

Ive been asking myself why am i visiting this site? How did i came upon it, what led me to being here and the answer hit me - i know who i am, i know what ive achieved in life regarding work and studies and so on, but ive realised that im lonely even though i am in a relationship.

have anyone ever experienced the feeling of being alone even though you are surrounded by friends, family and loved ones...

I am in a relationship with a great guy, when we met it was like wow this is it, he is the guy ive been waiting for my whole life..he has his career and i have mine..we can talk we can laugh we can do things together..

yet the past few months it was hectic at my work and we spoke about it, he said its ok and he understand what is required of me

it went well for the first few weeks him being patient and tollerating my long hours yet these last month things changed..he changed..or maybe i changed.. its just that things are not the same anymore.. he is not home when i get home even when he said he is not working late..when i have the guts to ask where he was i get snapped at and said its none of my business - that he cant just sit at home and wait for me - even though that is not what i expect.. he can come and go as he pleases but then why get all worked up and angry when i just ask..

he doesnt hold me anymore, not even my hand, we barely speak two words in bed so im not even thinking of the possibility of making love like we use to.. we are all of a sudden two total strangers to each other and i dont know how to handle it, what am i surpose to do about it?

must i ask the question that is bugging me - the question that i dont want to know the answer to - or do i leave it and see where it goes?

im scared, scared of the question, the answer, the actions, the new year.

what if i end up alone even more alone than i am right now? then again what if im all together wrong?

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A female reader, Chickita South Africa +, writes (1 January 2011):

Hi and happy new year to you too

I can totally understand that you're scared, scared of being more alone than you already are, of loosing him.

The two questions that you might be afraid to ask him may be:

1. Is he cheating/seeing someone else?

2. Does he still want to be with you and work things out?

Surely, the above questions are secondary. The real/primary question to ask is "do you want to be with him under these circumstances/should things not go back to the way they used to be?"

Your well being comes first. The truth of the matter is that you have a demanding job, and unless you quit, your job will continue to be demanding and place pressure on your relationship at times. Sounds like he was well aware of this coming in.

The question is, can you take his current behaviour, and if it doesnt change, are you willing to stay? He'll most likely behave like this everytime your job demands peak - are you okay with that? I'd think you deserve the comfort and peace of mind of knowing that no matter what, you have a partner that supports you and has your best interest at heart. Someone you dont have to worry about and walk on egg shellls around.

Yes he is feeling neglected, but going out all the time, snapping and depriving you of the love, intimacy and security you once shared isn't helping the situation. Bear in mind that any sort of pressure/strain on your relationship (not just work related) will cause him to respond in this manner - are you sure this is the sort of a man you want to be with?

a wise women once said...if someone shows you who they are, believe them.

My take: its better to feel lonely and content, than lonely, miserable and living in fear. Thats not the quality of life ones aspires to.

You need to talk, he should voice his concerns and you need to voice your terms of being in the "healthly & progressive" relationship. If you cant reach a compromise or an agreement on how the relationship should run, especially when its under pressure, then maybe you should evaluate why you're in the relationship to begin with.

Hopefully you can talk it through and work things out.

All the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011):

Have you tried talking to him about this whole situation? You really should let him know how you feel. If he respects and cares about you, then he would listen and tell you how he feels and what's going on. If he brushes it off and tries to avoid a talk, then there's something going on. I know this is hard to hear, but it sounds like he might be cheating on you, from what you've described. You're not having sex or having that same connection as you used to. Something is definitely up, but there's no way of finding out unless you talk to him. Don't let this drag on for a long time because it will only hurt you more. Try to stay strong and take it step by step. I wish you the best.

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