A
female
age
41-50,
*eeinWA
writes:I've been seeing a great guy for about two months now. After we were intimate for the first time, I asked him what did he want between us. He let me know that he didn't want something exclusive at the moment. He said some other things, but I just wanted to make sure we were on the same level. We are both the same age, so I felt we could be straight with one another.But, I have not gone a day since our first date without him communicating with me. If I don't text him, he will most definitely text me... he invited me to a friends BBQ birthday bash not long ago, where he introduced me to friends that he's known for years, he then wanted to take pictures together (I've never, ever, taken picture or met the friends of guys I'm just casually dating), affectionate in public (hand holding, kissing), asking me to spend the night (recently he wanted me to spend the weekend with him), I have a toothbrush now! lmao. We spent the 4th together, dinner, watching the fireworks, and such. We really don't meet to have sex. We'll go to movies or meet in the city for drinks. Sometimes we don't have sex at all. He will make time for me if I want to see him.I've limited the time I'm seeing him now, at least trying to, and tried slowing down the communication. I really don't want to bring this "what are we.." question back up, it hasn't been that long since I asked it the first time. It's nagging me now after that Birthday gathering. I agreed to go, but didn't realize that the people there were his friends as well as the birthday guys friends. To me, this is his "circle". I was asked questions about me and him all evening and it became uncomfortable!Should I bring it up again? If so, what should I say this time without making it sound so serious? Should I ask him about dating other people? I don't want to stop seeing him, but, I'm worried that we aren't on the same page as I thought when it comes to us.
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female
reader, DeeinWA +, writes (14 January 2011):
DeeinWA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, I totally forgot about this question. Anyway, update, he asked me to be his girlfriend! lol ;D We really are too old for this, but he was apprehensive for a reason.
He told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend from the beginning, but he felt he was not in a position to ask for that. He was jealous of my dating other men...lol So, after we talked, in September by the way, (two months after this post...thanks for the advice). He told me why he was apprehensive and felt he couldn't be in a relationship yet. It wasn't that serious, I practically wanted to beat him over the head, but thought it was sweet also.
Recently I went to his studio where his friends were gathered, he introduced me as his girlfriend, happily. I still am surprised by how confused he made me in the beginning. I'm glad that it has settled and now we can relax and continue getting to know one another. He does want to get married and have a family in the future, so he is serious relationship minded. I on the other hand still am recovering my life, he understand that and supports it.
I feel very lucky to have found someone like him so quickly. Thanks for the advice.
Dee
A
female
reader, DeeinWA +, writes (13 July 2010):
DeeinWA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks QuirkyLady....I try not to write too much in these posts so that it doesn't take up a lot of unneeded space. I'd give you background, but it's beside the point. It's not about not wanting to be in a relationship, but he said he didn't, I have to keep feelings in check so that I don't get burned...I'm not going to fall in love with someone who doesn't feel he can commit to a relationship yet.
Thank you Cindy, I really liked your advice. I can tell you that these are rules that I have no problem with, I just was surprised that he was behaving in a way that was the opposite of what he said he wanted! Today I saw him and as he left my car, he says, "text me". I ask, "when I get home?", "No, anytime...".....
Thanks for the replies...I plan on just seeing where it goes.
Note, I've been married/have children. I've only been divorced for 2 and a half years. I'm restarting my career and am busy making sure my teenagers and young son are emotionally stable before I bring another man in our life. So, believe me, it's not a problem being FWB with him. I just got confused by the actions that most FWBs go by.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 Nooo ! Don't ask him anything ! You just asked him two months ago! He said he did not see it as an exclusive relationship then- and if you did not like that, then you should have walked away there and then. By staying around, you accepted to play by his rules and just see what happens. Then,be a good sport and play by his rules.
Lucky for you, everything seems to progress rapidly, smooothly and naturally. He's texting you, he's spending whole weekends with you, he is introducing you to his friends... all very good signs that he is really warming up to you.
If it ain't broken, don't fix it. Just observe what develops and quite possibly, if things keep going well like now, in a few months the "what are we " convo will be even superfluous.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 July 2010):
 You can't have an honest relationship without being honest with your heart, too. It sounds like the guy likes you and enjoys spending time with you, but you have one foot out the door already because you are afraid of being hurt. Well, from experience, I can say if you have one foot out the door already, you might as well have both because the relationship is dead in the water. If your primary objective in a relationship is to not get emotionally involved, then seriously, why date? Put a Craigslist ad out for a friend with benefits instead.
Anyway, have the talk again in a month (3 months is about the right time for a talk like that) and give this relationship an honest try. If this becomes too intense for you, let him go so he can find someone to fall in love with, and you can find someone to have no-strings fun with.
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A
female
reader, DeeinWA +, writes (13 July 2010):
DeeinWA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply, I'm not gonna lie, I'm new to this kind of treatment, not because I've been mistreated, but because I tend to keep my distance so as not to get drawn in emotionally. Most of the men have respected this....he's just not doing what I expected.
I'm not doing it to be manipulative, but it's sort of a protective mechanism so that if this cute little thing we have going on ends, I can walk away with no scars. I told him that I didn't want to get my feelings hurt.
I'm enjoying my time with him, he knows I like him and vice versa...yes, I probably am over thinking it...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 I totally understand why you feel confused over 'What are we...' but it's still a little too early for the relationship to have an official label.
You guys arn't kids...it's not like the school yard where you hook up and play boyfriend/ girlfriend...things are more subtle as you get older.
From what you have said, he seems to be making all the right moves. Ok so he told you he wasn't up for commitment right from the start. Maybe he really isn't or maybe he just wants time to see how things develop.
Forgive me for saying so but your kinda trying to manipulate the situation by worrying about things and also trying to limit contact. If you limit contact, I can tell you that he will see it that you don't like him.
Men are very literal. He has made time for you, introduced you to friends and been openly affectionate...this is good.
It's obvious that you are wanting commitment, but 2 months is early days to decide you want to get serious with someone. Your still in the honeymoon period, so enjoy it!! relax and just enjoy being courted...it doesn't need a label at this stage.
If it transpires over several months that he really is a commitment phobe then you can accept that really you knew it from the start and walk away with no guilt. If he decides he does want to keep seeing you (as he does now)...then it's happy days all round.
Just relax and stop second guessing!!
xxx
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