A
female
age
30-35,
*adyRi
writes:Dear readers, I really don't know where to start from because the situation is quite complicated. Let me say in end of 2013 after a nasty break up, I met a guy 2 years older than me ( he is 27years now) and completely feel in love. We spent time together, did so many things together. We loved and cared for each other. He was just starting up and so was not financially stable Tho He sorta lived a false life trying to impress and show off people with his ride and lifestyle. But I loved him and always covered up for him. I was the one spending on us whenever we went out and wat ever we bought. He owed me a debt of 3000$. He had a very good salary but is the biggest spender I know with confused priorities..I on the other hand spends carefully, don't even go shopping or lavish on girly things. That was the situation until suddenly he started acting weird. He stopped coming to mine and he said that we can't continue to have sex cos it's religiously immoral. it was hard for me cos I really loved him and he was the only one I can imagine sleeping with. I slowly tried to adjust and slowly started accepting the fact that we can't continue having sex. Even though at this point there were dozens of guys all queued up rich, sensible and handsome and ready to settle down with me. I never gave anyone of them a chance and that slowly made them hate me becos they knwe I wasn't happy In the relationship. My boyfriend started acting up even more and started lying to me. So one day he came to mine and slept off and I took his phone and went through all his messages and guess what he was still keeping in touch with 2 of his ex whom they actually never broke up and was seriously dating a younger girl(driving to see her, sending pictures to him, even gossiping about me that I am a disturbance to their relationship) she knew me but I didn't know her then and flirting with two other girls. After seeing all these I woke him up we had a big fight and he left. We broke up. But I couldn't take it I still called him n told him I loved him and we could figure it out. But he said no. That he's sorry he can't and he's depressed becos I contacted those girls with my number and told them wat was going on. He capitalised on that n started pushing blames on me. Finally we broke up and I accepted it. We didn't talk for 3 months only in between when he had to pay me back my money.on the 4th month we started talking, he cleared up 90 percent of his debt and I waived off the rest. He started acting like an angel And he wanted me back. But I was at that point flirting with several guys whom my friends hooked me up with to keep me company. There was a very rich guy who wanted to marry me and tho I was getting to know him first. I was in that kinda phase, one of the guys whom I was flirting with we had sex twice. With all these situations my ex came back into my life and wanted to date me again, because I loved him so much I couldn't say no.. I stopped flirting with the guys and pushed away that guy who seriously wanted to marry me. Now we started dating, and I noticed non of those girls were with him he was sort of clean. We were happy but his irresponsible habit never changed.I was still spending tho wisely this time n never borrowed him more than a 100$. He now has proposed and we are getting married before the end of the year. These days I don't have any much income cos my biz crashed, I'm mostly indoors locked up no friends to talk to. I feel depressed n lonely and fully depend on him for fun and attention. Recently I cheated on him with a long time friend who's liked me a long time ago. We had sex once and I utterly regret it and I prayed to God to forgive me. What pushed me to cheat on him was his irresponsibility, his disrespect n insults to me, and the major fact that we don't have a sex life and he doesn't even kiss me. The most I got are pecks. I keep thinking of i can survive the marriage and all but he tells me that it will be different after marriage cos it's will become legally right. Im so confused. Im i really sick or the ceazy nastu episodes i had with him are driving me nuts. Tho i havent mentioned situation where he stopped me from talking to friends, calls me a slut whenever we fight and insults my family sometimes and then he later apologises to me. I really feel backwards Pls help a poor sister out. Warm Regards!
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broke up, debt, depressed, flirt, his ex, money, my ex, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): You can "survive" the marriage? WTF?Yes, you probably can. We can survive most things.But will it be A HAPPY marriage? Does NOT look like it.Also, sista, money comes up way too often in your narrative for my like-why does it matter that the other guy who wanted to marry you was RICH? You do not mention any of his character traits. Equally, you underline several times what a big, irresponsible spender your fiancee is,as if that's the WORST. As in-his worst trait. In your narrative, that's not the worst,not by far...He sounds controlling, manipulative and it's like you live in PRISON.Sorry,your business venture did not work out- there are ups and downs in life. Go out there, break out of the CAGE and get your life in line. If you stay you CHOOSE to STAY in the CAGE.No one can help you there. Cheating doesn't help either. Whatever the "reason" you did it (his previous cheating,no affection,whatevs) if it's that bad LEAVE do NOT cheat. Or do you want to continue to live in this hell?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 Sister- it's simpler than you think ,you know ? FIRST you call off the wedding, kick him out of your life, block him, go no contact, the whole nine yards- THEN you start the mourning and HEALING process. You may need to see a therapist, or read motivational books, or join a self help group for emotional addition, or talk to your spiritual / religious guide, call a helpline... or write regularly to Dear Cupid :). You'll find your way and means to cope with the aftermath of the break up. But break up you must FIRST, then you'll explore the origins of your bad choices. Do not expect to be easy, do not expect to be painless.... but trust that it will be 10 times less painful than getting stuck into a marriage where you do all the loving unilaterally and he is just mooching off you and emotionally ( and verbally ) abusing you.
Thst's a nightmare waiting to come true, and I hope your mind is not too fogged to see that.
First, he is sooooo bulshitting you- teligious reasons my foot. So his God tells him that it's not OK to have sex with you- but it's OK to lie to you and betray you ?.... And what was / is he doing with all those nice young exes and admirers ? He is not having sex, just playing cards or going for ice cream ? Awwww please . He's just not that into you, and has found the perfect excuse to keep a situation going that has advantages for him ( financial so far, but maybe from others point of view... like, he wants to look more respectable socially, or his family wants him settled... or.. who knows what, but you can BET he has his own agenda ) and the freedom to be with women he REALLY likes ,behind your back.
Second, he is a big reckless spender, and you are prudent and frugal. How wonderful. You face a lifetime of scrimping and saving.... to support HIS fancy lifestyle and costly habits. I admit that, if he gave you back 90% of what he owed you, he is not THAT bad- maybe he is just terminally careless rather than intentionally callous.... but still, who would want a husband like that . It's a lifetime of sleepless nights !
Strike all that, that after all are MY surmise and considerations ( although I just wish you coud FEEL how probable is that I am 100% correct ) we still are left with one big red flag and two big , objective dealbreakers . Big red flag : he is isolating you from all your friends - textbook abuser's move. Objective dealbreakers ( at leat they would be for a wide majority of women ) name calling ,and insults to your family.
So,... first things first. I don't KNOW why you love this guy. You can ask your therapist, probably it's something in your childhood or the way you have been raised or you belong to a culture were women are very submissive so you find this normal..... there may be 100 explanations.
But, FIRST you do what you need to save your life
( psychologically speaking ,so far . Although, mental and verbal abuse some times may escalate to physical abuse with dire consequences ). THEN we worry about the hows and whys.
...............................
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