A
female
age
16-17,
anonymous
writes:Hey, im in a bit of a perdictement here... Iv been seeing this lad, and i really really like him and always have, im just a bit concerned about his past anger problems.. He really is the nicest guy ever, the sweetest and the loveliest, just he's had a bit of a violent past, out of the 2 years that iv known him iv never witnessed any of it, but he has apparently gone for his sister when she tried to wake him up, pinned her against the wall.. And he has hit his ex a few times too. But all along he's said that he dont even remember doing it, like it was a black out, an anger black out, when he hadn't really had a reason to be like that, wasn't provoked or anythin. Please help me out here because we both seriously like eachother and its pretty obviouse that things could be good with us. We just click and get eachother completely, im just worried bout the whole past violence stuff.. It was quite a while ago now but that dont mean anything really does it,.. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly id just like to say a big massive thanks to WizardOfWaz! Your spot on there, it was when he was younger, about 16 i think, (by the way im 18 just as im on here on my mobile the web's a bit dodgey and i couldn't select the right year) and he has matured majorly and grown up since then. So i get the feeling i can believe that he wont be like that again, but as i said you can never be too sure. And to whoever it was who wrote about the kid going to wake daddy up and the police or whatever, he's amazing round kids, he's been living with his sister for the last couple of years and she has 3 little ones ranging from the ages of 1 to 9. And he's never laid a finger on them! And to theOC, as iv said it was along time ago now and he was quite young at the time, he's grown up, he's had to. Just because of someones past doesn't mean dont give them a chance at all, if your reading this and think oh well she has no problem then, well i did, it was one of those things that niggle in your head and you have to get it out if you get me, anyways thanks again to those that posted their replies, and a special thanks to the Wizard dude lol x
A
female
reader, Baba yaga  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 They are always nice at first, it's always the other people they hit and bully. It's when you get close enough to them and invested enough in them is when they are safe to be themselves. I agree with the first post. The black outs are more about white rage than just anger.
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A
male
reader, WizardOfWaz + ♥, writes (24 June 2008):
 If you've known him for two years and seen no evidence of violence then there is no point in looking for it anymore is there? You don't say how old this guy is but assuming he is around the same age as you then his past problems would be around his adolescent years yeah?
Pinning his sister against the wall is more an example of young teenage tantrum rather than habitual violence. And was probably dealt with at the time by the parents. As for hitting the ex, you say "apparently", but again had there been serious abuse no doubt you would have got more specific details by now.
But it sounds as if he has matured now, and is making a serious attempt at leaving the childish errors of his past behind him, if only others would allow him to do so. His claims of "blackouts" are probably untrue, but that appears to be his only defence against the fact he can't explain what he doesn't understand, especially when under pressure to justify something that he is probably now very ashamed of.
Perhaps he would rather folks would judge him on how he behaves now rather than raking over the embers of a fire that obviously died a long time ago?
Regards
Waz
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A
male
reader, theOC +, writes (24 June 2008):
That's his problem and his issue. You should find someone else. There is definitely someone out there that is better for you. You shouldn't make large compromises to make this relationship work. He's known to hit his ex, violence used on his sister, and there's a high probability that he'll do it again.
He has a very serious issue and until he can get over it, I wouldn't recommend you stay in a relationship with him at all. It says you're only 16-17 which is VERY young. You will meet plenty of other guys out there in your academics.
The bottom line is if he ends up hitting you, that's your fault for staying in the relationship.
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A
female
reader, gabberjackranch +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Let me ask you this......Perhaps you and he decide to have a child together, and that child wants to go wake daddy up. How are you going to explain that to police and yourself? He needs help, as well as you.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (24 June 2008):
 so it will be OK if he beats the shit out of you if he doesn't remember it. You aren't going to bail on my advise or any one else's because it's obvious you are invested in this guy already. But you should keep one foot out the door just in case. Until he has proved himself. And I'm talking a couple of years, not just him not smacking you around but of him displaying an even temper and few if any flashes of rage. And you know what I'm speaking of. When you can see that person just not be in the moment for that split second because he instantly rages over whatever is happening that he is not pleased about. Then I would relax and give him more latitude. And watch for small controlling behaviors that may be a sign of bigger issues. Wanting to isolate you from your friends and family. Deciding everything all the time. To the point that you are wallpaper for his life. Let him have the remote for the TV. To do other wise would be cruel.
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