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We have very different views on showing affections. What should I do?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 February 2008) 4 Answers - (Newest, 27 February 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi there,

my husband, Rick is one of those clingy types; He always wants to spend every waking moment with me.

I’ve always thought of him as quite possessive.

But I suppose, the most annoying thing about him is that he is always declaring his love for me every few seconds.

At the beginning, it was sweet but then it got slightly embarrassing because he has an annoying habit of punctuating each word of 'I love you' with a kiss upon my rather startled face – in public.

He is a sweet man, a touchy-feely sort of guy and because of this when I am in the presence of his male friends and engaging in a fired up discussion about numerous topics, I often won’t get treated seriously; suddenly my point of view doesn’t count.

It infuriates me, it really does!

And let me tell you something, he is as awful as hell on those occasions - he can’t seem keep his hands of me!

I told him about how I felt about all this excessive and thorny 'love' business.

He was upset after I announced my thoughts and feelings and said I was cold and incapable of showing love and affection.

'Why should I not show my love for you?' he responds.

I don't mind when it's just behind closed doors but I feel slightly uncomfortable and self-conscious when he shows he's love in public.

What do you think?

Am I an Ice Queen?

Perhaps, I should end my low-class reign!

All comments (helpful or useless) are much appreciated!

All best,

Patsy

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (27 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntEach of us should respect the other's opinions , limits and boundaries.If one is uncomfortable with too much external demonstration of emotional love, then he should tone down and should not criticize you for the lack of affections.

This is immature and irrational.We should not impose our views on others but must try to accommodate our partners views to maintain a healthy, balance and lasting relationship.

We each have our own ways of showing affections.People who do that are usually insecure and staking their territory to warn others to hands off.

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A female reader, red1982 United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2008):

I don't have any advice on how to get your husband to stop being like this, just wanted to reassure you that as far as I;m concerned your reaction is completely normal. I don't think you are an 'ice queen' or 'incapable of showing affection' I would be the same as you are. And I'm sure most of my friends would be the same.

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A female reader, Clarey United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2008):

Clarey agony auntThe reason why this upsets you could be that you feel he is staking a claim on you at inappropriate moments. Perhaps like you no longer "own" yourself.

Here is an analogy, not sure if it is any good but it is all I can think of: Everyone knows that a warm duvet is a very comfortable and lovely thing. However you need to only have it on in bed, you should be able to pull it on when cold and kick it off when you are too hot, probably never have it over your face unless there is snow outside. He insists that you are continually smothered with it. Apparently to make sure you are warm enough, but you know when you need warmth and cool.

Imagine Hilary Clinton being continually smothered by Bill while she is on the campaign trail, whilst trying to speak, meet, influence and get on? Kissy kissy. Who would take her seriously?! Your boyfriend better not say something sarcastic about my example. Everyone needs to vary the way they present themselves to others and according to how they feel. You don't always want to be Mrs Lovey, you also want to be Mrs Interesting, Mrs Serious, Mrs Funny, just yourself. There is a time and place for everything.

An occasional spontaneous gesture of affection is lovely but you need the space to express your thoughts and exist as a person whose main identity is not always as half of another person.

Once my little boy was told he invaded other people's personal space too much. He would put his face too close to other children when speaking etc etc. I played a game to show him how it felt. I followed him everywhere about six inches from him and when he bent to look so did I, face close to his etc etc. He said "Mum, would you just go away you are suffocating me. It is really annoying."

You could ask your boyfriend to try this game and keep it up until it is really annoying to him! Don't mention your relationship before you do it. Then talk about it briefly, theoretically, not relating him to you. If he starts pawing you again, mention the experiment and say something like "You knew how this felt when we did that experiment so please stop crowding me".

This is all probably too clever by half and you may find he clings the life out of your relationship which is a shame because you seem to really care about it. You could always show him your question and our answers..why not? You took the trouble to seek advice because you care about your relationship and this is making you feel bad. In addition it is something he can do something about if only he will listen and not take offence.

I agree with Lucy that there may be an insecurity issue so ask him about that first. You could try to agree a code of conduct. Perhaps a wink could mean "I love you" when you are out so long as you don't get face ache from responding to his never ending demand for winks. You already know he loves you, is he trying to ward people off by doing this outside? Poor thing has it bad but his insecurity is upsetting you, which is exactly the opposite of what he intends. It would anyone, to keep you he has to relax and let you be yourself, not hold on tight and squeeze the life out of you.

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A female reader, Lucy2118 United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2008):

Lucy2118 agony auntYou do get those type of guys that touchy all the time, i had a relationship like that but it was with someone i worked with which made it hard cos i couldn't get away from him. He would always come up behind me and kiss my neck and i would flinch away telling him to stop it, but he didn't he would make comments about me when his friends were around, like how big my breasts were or how good i was in bed. I couldn't believe that he would go out of his way to embrass me. We had a huge fight and i called him immature and insecure. He broke down in tears and said he was really sorry but his past girlfriend had cheated on him, so by being so touchy with me he thought it was keeping me interested when it was pushing me away. Now our relationship is going great, i still get the odd grope but it's almost a joke now and he knows it.

I hope this helps a bit.

X

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