A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am lost without her, My wife and i have been married 14 years and we have 3 beautiful daughters. 2 of which were hers from a previous marriage. When we were married the girls were 3 and 4. We married and have spent many great years together. 4 months ago our 12 year old daughter was mollested and i took it hard. I took it out emotionally on my family. I started really acting angrily towards them not physical just verbal. In the meantime i lost my job and income and was working part time just to make ends meet and my wife worked a full time and a part time job. 3 weeks ago she said" i need some time, i am leaving and going to my brothers with the kids" The first two weeks i did not leave her alone, i called, txt, went over there etc... The last week i have totally left her alone with the exception of getting our 12 yr old daughter when its time for her to stay with me. I miss them so much, What do i do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): Thank you very much for the advice, I have seeked counseling, and i found a new job that i start tommorow with good pay and benefits with a lot of stability. I talked to her by txt and she agreed to sit down with me and have a "sit down" talk sometime this week. I do not want to pressure her so i will probably only talk about the kids and finances unless she brings more up. I am just devastated after all of these years of a real good marriage without any major problems(infidelity/fighting/hateful attitudes)and the situation that i am in now with her being gone and my family not being at home. I just really need some advice.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 I think you need to give her some more space, i understand your behaviour there is nothing worse when one of your children are hurt and there is nothing you can do about it, it happens often that we take our anger out on the ones closes to us, but the thing is your wife was probably just as hurt and angry as you were, and she needs some time to deal with it on her own, its never easy when a child gets abused it often tears a family apart.
Have you thought about going to councelling and getting some help to deal with your emotions to be able to learn to be there to comfort your family? Also has your daughter gone to councelling because this will benefit her big time especially later on in life.
I no its a difficult time for you at the moment, but you need to give your wife some space and get your anger sorted out and show her that you are dealing with your issues and that through time you want her to come back and be a family again. Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Im sorry your going through this. I can see why your wife left. To her, you have fallen apart and her trust in you has been shaken.
I acknowledge that you had a hard time over your 12 year old. At the time it would have been better to seek out some counselling to help you recover rather than destroy your family. I understand you have been left devestated and angry but it is something you can mend aand move on from.
I think your in for the long haul here and need to put certain plans into action to win back your family.
* Get help from a certified counsellor and some anti depressant medication if necessary.
* get yourself back into work, doesn't matter what it is, anything that will give you a focus and some self esteem back in your life.
* Tell your wife you understand why she left, that you want to fix it and are going to get help. Remind her how much you love her and the kids and that you are going to glue all the bits back together.
* Don't nag her or beg her to come back...give her a reason to come back (you getting back to normal)
This is going to take some work and massive effort and also a lot of self restraint. Somethings will be changed forever, like the loss of innocence for your child, your wife needs help to come to terms with that.I am sure she still loves you but shes scared you will never be the strong caring kind man she loves ever again...show her that you are, give her time and space, see the kids and get that life back.
AE x
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