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We have been friends since grade school and now my friend makes no effort in the friendship!! help!!

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 March 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 3 March 2015)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

When your friend had a history of being midly depressed and wont contact you do you end the fship or wait it out?

She ahs seen therapists in the ooast and taken meds and is open about being depressed at times.

I've tried in this f/ship, 80% time I do ALL the texting, she intiates little. She works, as I do, and leads her life but is mildly depressed and wont contact me.

As I said I always do the contacting and Im sick of it, so sick of making the effort, she hates phone calls and wont text back. I dont text a lot and I dont bombard or overload her with texts I'm not a needy or demanding person, I just like an equal effort in fship, whats wong with that?!

She's not on social media and Im not going to her house, she is an intensely very private prson, she wouldnt forgive my invading her privacy by going to her home uninvited. She lives alone, as do I, she has cats however,she adores.

She's a very private person, trust me shed NEVER see me again as a friend if I randomly turned up at her house without an invite..

We all have busy lives,work etc etc, and I have tried trying to be a good friend in the past, never pushing her but encouraging her to talk about her life, you know the usual..

work, her extended family (shes single as am I) making small talk, life, asking what's up, etc.. and getting little back, she will rarely as me "how are you, whats been happening" where as I always ask after her. are some people so selfish they cant ask this? someone please tell me this!!

Im sorry but I have tried.. Im annoyed and frustated at her dont care attitude about the long term fship we have, since grade school, this is a fship only!. and it has been ok mostly.. I dont want to lose contact but Im sic of her lack of effort, have few other friedns I see, occasionally, she has none. She doesnt seem to need anyone..

what do I do?? Im not texting again, its been 3 weeks since I text it was a casual hi "let me now if your free soon" text,and I dont know what to say to her if she ever does text me to meet up.. what do I say??

shes passive agressive at times. and any criticism from me re her lack of effort, would be met with a sharp and smart ass reply to me..

Im not a nasty person, just sick of this 'sorry i am too tired etc" excuses" or " I forgot to text" or my favorite: "you shoUld text me!"

which I did but get ignored previously to novemeber las yr.. we have seen each other monthly and have texted inbetween at times, now I feel like Im losing a friend, to laziness,? depression and her not giving a sh*t about anyone but her and her cats.

As i said im not demanding and dont annoy her with texts, I am akif eprson but I get nothing back, surely she can reply? or make some effort to the fship. I have had issues in the past as we all do but I still try, even if Im tired, she ahs no idea she is hurting me nd i cant ell her or she will go all passive agressive and smart ass..

what do do? ignore her til she can be bothered texting..?

no nasty answrs please I am hurt here and quite annoyed wiht her, on and I work in health care and I do know what depresssion is!

thansyou for kind answers..

View related questions: depressed, her ex, text

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (3 March 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt No, there's nothing wrong in wanting an equal friendship based on a paritarian effort, and mutual interest and participation in each other's life . Only, it is very difficult , almost impossible, to get that from a person with chronical or recurerrent depression. Even if mild depression.

If you are familiar with depression due to your work in health care, I guess you already know that one of the most relevant and indicative symptoms of mild depression is just hers : anhedonia. ( The difficulty / incapability of finding pleasure in / interest for activities which the person would normally find pleasurable during her non-depressive periods ). Mild depression lacks of the more dramatic, evident symptoms of severe depression - you don't see the cryng bouts, desperation, insomnia ( or excessive sleep ), incapability of normal functioning at work and at home, not showering, not getting out of bed...

But, if you are mildly depressed, it is likely you'll do just what your friend is doing,i.e. save your scant energies for the few main things : going to work, shopping for food, feeding one's pets, keeping oneself clean , maybe even following one favourite show or talking to one favourite family member, stuff like that. But all the rest, will feel equally like "bleah" and " next time " and " can wait till later ".

In short, the person will be functional ( will show up at work, pay rent in time... ) but not social.

Now, I think you have a choice in front of you, regarding WHICH kind of friendship you are willing and able to substain with this lady.

Either you feel that friendship can' t be but a two way street and you need to GET something out of it, not just give. In this case, your social and emotional needs are clearly not met in this relationship with this person, and insisting and striving for more would just give you more frustration, so you 'd be justified in just dropping her - at least as long she acts so aloof . It is what it is, and , for no fault of either of you, just there aren't the conditions to STAY friends , and so be it.

Or, you may be capable of a sort of " unconditional " friendship, realizing that as of now it's very hard ( TOO hard ?) for her doing any better . In this case, you wait and hope that she gets out of her funk, without counting on your texts or invitations to be returned. You just let her know every now and then, that you are always there for her IN CASE she feels better and she wants to have a chat or get together for coffee etc. YOU take the initiative in contacting her , giving her the update about what's going on in your lfe, maybe occasionally suggest a movie or a show she could like, stuff like that- but no expectations , you'll leave to her when to respond and how.

Of course, it takes a lot of patience for system NO. 2, and it also takes that the person is really dear to your heart and worth the effort in your eyes.

I do not condemn or criticize at all who opts instead for system no.1 - because ideally friendship IS based on an mutual flow and if a person can't give you mutuality because of an illness, well, it's not her fault but neither is yours.

So, I don't think there is right or wrong here , I guess it all depends from what you can comfortably handle, and from how important would be for you to keep this friendship in your life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015):

this is the poster

sorry for spelling, badkeyboard, Im a kind person I meant to write

and there should be a comma after november..

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