A
female
age
30-35,
*erenexx
writes:I'm in medical school and my boyfriend and I (I'm 25, he's 24, dating for 2+ years) have a process we are going through next year called "the match". We each basically have to match to a city and specialty and it involves this complicated algorithm. I will probably end up living in this city for 5 years. I have always been very easy going and carefree about relationships but I’ve decided I’m done with messing around and since I’m going to be so busy for the next 6+ years I really do want to marry my boyfriend eventually (preferably within the next couple years). I know that as women we have a tendency to pressure men into marriage and I’ve never been like this but I feel like lately this process of matching has accelerated the need for me to have some concrete answers. My boyfriend loves me, and I think he is the type of person who makes decisions carefully. He has already decided he wants to do a particular specialty in medicine and is willing to live anywhere in the country in order to get his choice. There is an option called couples matching where you do somewhat sacrifice both of your choices in order to guarantee living in the same city. He avoids talking about it, and when I ask him about what he thinks I should do he says that I should pick my career above anything else so that I won’t feel any resentment. 5 years is a long time to be apart, especially in a big country like the one I live in, and I understand that your career is an important decision to make but I really get the sense that he would rather have his career of choice than end up with me. I've tried to bring it up several times in conversation but he seems very adamant. At this point it seems like it is up to chance if we end up together as he doesn’t want to couples match. Will he ever decide to sacrifice his career for me or is it selfish of me to think of it like this? I don't like ultimatums but it does affect my career choice as well and I don't really know if I should just break up with him if he isn't willing to compromise. Please help!A Stressed Medical Student Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 November 2015):
 Yes, it is selfish for you to think it like that. Totally
" all about me ". You are putting your nesting instinct before your bf's future and personal and professional realizarion, in a way that would affect not only him but, who knows, many many people whom you still know nothing about.
For many doctors and future doctors, luckily,practicing medicine is not just a way to a better then average income and staturs, it's a calling, a vocation. It's the way they can best put their unique talents at the service of the community ,and make a difference in the life of people ( and if by doing that they can also get recognition and big bucks, of course they'd be stupid to complain ).
So, if your bf's inclinations and wishes match him with , say, being an oncologist in Vancouver- what would you want him to be , say, a dietologist in Toronto for ? The dubious accomplishement of being a 26 y.o. married student ?!
Your bf is right : you should think about your career and specialty, and where YOU can become the best doctor you can be- and he'll think of his in the meanwhile.
If you are really serious and committed, and feel you MUST have a future together- you'll make it work somehow , regardless of time and long distance.
If you don't have all this certainty- then it would be imprudent anyway to marry him, wouldn't it ?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): I'm sure he loves you and cares about you. But he probably will choose the best option for his career. And rightfully so. What's the point of going to school and doing all the work then letting a relationship come in the way of fulfilling the highest potential.
Its about the commitment to his career. He shouldn't change his career path for you. And you shouldn't change yours for him. You're probably going to go your separate ways. Maybe get back together later in life.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 November 2015):
I don't see the compromise you are referring to. You question whether he will sacrifice his career for you or not. Where is the compromise there? I don't see how his career is less important than yours. I'm sure he can see you want concrete answers but all you are doing is pressuring him and no one likes being pressured into something whether they want to do it or not. Your sudden need for answers, while fair, does not leave room for answers because you have already made up your mind about things, and he can see that as well.
You should focus on your career like he said. When you want to have important discussions with your partner, it is best to ask them how he/she feels about certain things before asking for answers. Being 'unsure' about certain things is also an answer, as no one really has all the answers.
Don't be stressed. You are still both young and in very good career fields (although medical fields tend to take up a lot of one's time). Whatever you decide, stick to it and dont look back. I wish you both a lot of success but I also hope you both find happiness in doing what you love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): "I really get the sense that he would rather have his career of choice than end up with me."Sounds like he's planning a future that ultimately includes both while recognizing that due to the nature of your chosen field, short-term sacrifices must be made for your long-term benefit and although it may not seem like it now, five years is really short term."Will he ever decide to sacrifice his career for me or is it selfish of me to think of it like this?"Yes and yes.By getting the best possible training in his specialty of choice, five years from now he'll be able to write his own ticket as to where he chooses to live and work (and if you follow that path then you'll be in a similarly enviable position).The demands of residency are so consuming that it's difficult to maintain any kind of social life, so you'd be well advised to consider his point of view and look at the big picture. It really won't be that long a time until you are both established in your careers and will be able to strike a proper balance between your professional and personal lives.I would venture to say that in retrospect more women regret making career compromises for the sake of a relationship than making relationship compromises for the sake of a career
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