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We had a casual thing between us about 4 years ago. Why would she ignore me now?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Friends with Benefits, Online dating, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 3 May 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Ok, so me and this girl used to have a casual thing going about 4 years ago.

We were both single then. Since then i've married someone else.

We've stayed in touch and met up a few times. On a couple of occasions we have slept together which she said she regretted because of me being with someone else (i wasn't married at the time - my wife was my girlfriend then).

We haven't seen each other for over a year.

I moved away for my job. She recently told me that she was now in a relationship.

I told her i was happy for her but i still flirted with her through whatsapp which i probably shouldn't have done.

We haven't spoken for over a month. I decided to message her yesterday. The messages went like this:

Me: Hi :-)

Me: How are you?

Me: What's new with you?

Me: :-)

Her: I'm ok thanks, you?

Me: Good thanks, just thought of you so thought i should say hi.

Me: How's working going? Have you moved?

*no reply*

Why would she ignore me? I think it did hurt her feelings when i ended our casual, thing and started seeing my now wife.

Do you think i was wrong to lead her on?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2015):

you're married, she has someone. you've already cheated on your gf with her and she cheated on her boyfriend with you..that's already pretty messed up. I think you should rethink about your relationship with your wife if you're concerned about why someone you hooked up with is behaving the way they are.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (2 May 2015):

CindyCares agony auntWhy should she NOT ignore you.

All you had was a casual fling four years ago !. Now you are MARRIED and she is in a relationship . Getting involved in long chats with an ex CASUAL sex partner is inane, serves no purpose, and it is very disrespectful to your current SOs. A " hi " if you bump into each other in the streets, that's OK. More than that, totally superfluous and inappropriate.

Don't be TOO polite , - asking updates about an ex fling (never mind trying to flirt with her ! ) is very IMPOLITE- toward your wife !

This regardless if that girl holds grudges or not. Technically she should not, if you were clear that it was just casual fun, and that you had a gf at the time: she was warned, so she led herself on.

But it does not really matter, what matters is that you should leave each other be and just focus on your current r/ships.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2015):

OP here.

Thanks for your answers. I only asked her if she'd moved out of politeness because the last time we spoke she said she was hoping to move to another town.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (1 May 2015):

janniepeg agony auntIf you concealed the fact that you had a girlfriend then had sex with her, then you were wrong. If both of you had an understanding that it was casual, it wouldn't have been leading her on. If you said a line anything like, "let's see where it goes. . ." instead of "I am not looking for a relationship," that's leading her on. If you had said that then within a short time began dating your wife with long term intentions, you are inconsistent and did't know what you want, or saying one thing then do another, like a player.

She ignored you because she is not interested in meeting up. The question of "did you move?" implies you are still interested in seeing her. Once she could sense that the conversation is not really about catching up, but actually meeting she felt it's a stronger message to ignore than to carry on, pretending to be nice.

After 4 years I don't think she could still be hurt from that you ending the casual arrangement. If she is in a happy relationship she could care less about this brief connection with you.

It seems like you really want the answer to be that she is still hurt so you can feel important, like someone can still have feelings for you for 4 years. That's a better feeling than accepting that she's not interested.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntLeave her alone. Simple as that.

Yes she probably had this "casual" thing with you in hopes of you wanting to actually date her, not just screw her and she probably wasn't too keen when you moved on. BUT.. I think she is just over you. Not the least bit interested in flirting or talking to you. She has a partner, you have a wife - no need to continue.

Take a page from her book of common sense and quit while you are ahead. If you want someone to flirt with... text your wife.

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A male reader, lawncare United Kingdom +, writes (1 May 2015):

lawncare agony auntBuddy, you have to let this one go. She's ignoring you and I applaud her. It's not that she might not have feelings for you, and she may very well have good memories of your casual fling, but some people like to honour the present at the expense of the past. I do it and I'm proud of it. If you don't play that way then fine, but don't expect everyone to operate like that.

I don't think that you led her on or used her in the first instance provided that both of you were 100% of the mind that what you had was casual. Nothing wrong with it at all. If she was ok with having sex with you knowing that you were in a relationship then that's ok too, though between me and you I think what you did was kinda shitty to your current partner. She says she regrets it but she's a grown up too.

It is a little bigheaded to think you have purchase on her now you're married and she is tied down. Let it go. You're damn lucky she isn't calling your wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2015):

She is sending you a message.

She is not interested.

It's over.

It's done.

She has moved on.

So should you.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (1 May 2015):

YouWish agony auntShe isn't talking to you because of HER relationship, not yours. You may be a cheater, but she doesn't want to be. She isn't interested in casual sex outside of her relationship, because the guy she is with means so much more to her than your wife does to you.

You didn't just lead this woman on. You used her, which suited her for a time. The question of right and wrong should be reserved for your relationship with your wife, and whether or not you'd want HER to whatsapp with other men behind your back.

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