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We dont have sex, he's got a small manhood, but everything else is perfect. Should i have an affair?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 August 2007) 16 Answers - (Newest, 9 February 2013)
A female Sweden age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi, I'm in the same boat. Well, I haven't met anyone else but I married my husband in April of this year. We've had sex once in 12 months. We have a brilliant friendship, we have fun together, can talk about everything and he loves me like no one else ever has. I just don't feel the same for him. I did but a year ago he developed erectile dysfunction and couldn't get it up for 9 months. He was so focused on his own needs that he forgot mine, there are other things he could have done that didn't involve penetration. He has a very small penis and I find it a total turnoff. I am so torn, I care about him and doubt I could ever find a partner that I have so much in common with but I am 36 and refuse to live the rest of my life in a sexless relationship. I just cannot have sex with him, he totally turns me off to the point of repulsion. I thought I could live with his penis but I can't. What should I do? Stay married and find myself a lover? We have a perfect relationship in every way but we just don't have sex. BTW, my husband is 9 years older and is relatively sexually inexperienced.

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A male reader, Mr. Make Your Girl Scream United States +, writes (9 February 2013):

You should just break off your relationship. I have been the guy that girlfriends/wives turn to in your type of situation. It never solves anything, unless you plan on having the affair for decades. You probably will fall in love with the other guy if you keep it up too long. In general, women cannot separate sex and love for very long. Just end the relationship - you are never going to be happy with him, and find a guy with a size that you like. Hopefully he will have the other qualities that are important to you as well.

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A male reader, Dave_1963 Canada +, writes (31 August 2012):

Dave_1963 agony auntThis is my first post here, so please forgive me for any mistakes!

I was 23 when I met my first girlfriend. I had never had sex before I met her. My penis is 6". The first time we had sex, my penis was very hard. Before I penetrated her vagina, she remarked "When will it get big?". I said "It IS big". She then told me she had been with over 300 men, and I had by far, the smallest penis she had seen in her life. Well, talk about putting a damper on the evening! We were married a year after meeting.

Being the caring guy I am, I accepted the fact that I was "too small" for her, and we both went shopping for toys (dildos). She picked the biggest thing I have ever seen...about 15" long and as wide as a beer can. We wore that dildo out!

To the OP....Please do not fool around on your guy. My wife (now ex-wife) was having numerous affairs during our 13 years of marriage. She constantly belittled (no pun intended) my penis, and finally divorced me for, quote "a guy with a NORMAL sized penis".

Since we have been apart (12 years), I have only had one sexual partner, and she was more than happy with the size of my penis. The second I penetrated her vagina for the first (and last) time, I lost my erection because I was scared I was too small for her. The years of being told I was inadequate sexually had taken it's toll, and I was too scared to complete the act of intercourse with her. I broke the relationship off because I was convinced that I was totally inadequate sexually. I have now come to terms with the fact that I will most likely never be able to perform intercourse again.

Please do not have an affair. I can attest to the permanent scars that an unfaithful spouse can cause. Endless nights wondering if our 3 kids were indeed mine or some other guys, wondering why she was taking 4 hours to go to the store to buy milk, wondering why god gave me the smallest penis in the world, etc....

Do the poor guy a favour and cut him loose. Don't bring the penis size into the conversation. Just say you feel things will not work out, and let the guy go with a bit of pride and self-esteem intact. On the other hand, if you are the mean type, I recommend belittling him all you can like my ex did. It sure cured me of sex.

In closing, she got the house, but I got the kids. Both hands are too full raising them to get involved with any other woman. Well, at least my right hand is free every night! Just don't have any affairs. I know the damage they cause!

BTW, I am 49, and I still wake up every morning with wood, and have no problems with ED. I can keep an erection for hours, so I know I do not have any medical issues. I can orgasm and ejaculate 3-4 times per day, just like I did when I was a youngun' of 18! Please be kind to this guy. Don't leave him feeling inadequate. Break it off kindly and gently, and leave the new partners until after you have broken up.

Good luck!

Dave

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011):

I had similar problem.. No ED prob but my husband started to lose interest in sex. It was becoming like a routine thing for us so the was no spice in it. I have to say I would get very aroused and wet to a point where I just wanted penetration and though of an affair several time so I decided to ask my husband if he would be ok trying swinging.. Huny the minute I said that he got aroused so quick I just can't explain.. So we found us a couple and well I had nothing to lose it's not like my husband was going to give her anything better then her husband can give her because I made sure we found a couple with the guy being very well hung. I have to say getting screwed front of my husband while he was screwing was a huge turn on. I loved when I was performing oral on my husband while getting screwed at the same time was an awesome experience it was like magic the way my husband was back in the game!!!

I have to say even with a larger penis on her husband my husband screwed me way better then hers. So I guess I was wrong he gave it to her better then that!!! But over all we have a great relationship and now I can always invite me another penis to bed when ever I desire and have a threesome with my husbands permission.. Try asking him about groupsex!!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008):

He seems to be a pretty descent guy.But hell,He has a small penis.Cheat at will.But dont leave the guy.And ask him if he would be intersted in penis surgery.It may help the both of you.Another thing is is to introduced him to oral.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008):

Well your situation is really difficult. Sex is definately very important need of life like food or anything else. You are saying that he do not get erection. Is it because of any unintended insult by you or is it some kind mental or physical problem? You have to find it out? A good life partner is really a rare thing, shouldn't be penalised for the mistake not commited by him. I have two solutions for you, but little bit unconventional. first try to change your mindset about the size. Remind your husband about your sexual need. Use dildo during the sex, with consent and after friendly disscussion about that.

Second one is, If you can't make you adapt with the situation then there is no option. You should go for another boyfreind.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007):

I've been married for the last 15 years. Before marriage I had a very active sex life with numerous women. I have a strong libido, am fit and handsome, a sensuous lover, and well endowed. I strongly prefer sex with women who are assertive and lusty. My wife and I had a good sex life until our son was born in the 4th year of our marriage. After, she lost interest and stopped making any effort. After about a year of being the initiator with no reciprocation, I too lost interest. After a couple of years of virtually no sex, I had a couple of affairs in series. The second was with a former lover and it went on for several years as she was in love with me and hopeful I would leave my wife. Because I love my wife, I didn't divorce her. I was in a constant state of guilt and shame. Finally, I decided to really try to put my marriage right. I ended my affair and had a sit down with my wife. I told her I loved her but I needed sex and without it I would have to leave her. At the same time, I focused very hard on myself, learning to be OK being the aggressor all the time, being more romantic, and showing her in every way I could that I found her very alluring. To my delight, after a few weeks of showing passion to my wife, she began to reciprocate. We now have an active sex life again and are very happy. So my point is, don't give up. Go the extra mile yourself, talk it out, and maybe you can fix things too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007):

i am pretty much in the same situation, its not that my husband has a small penis its just we dont have sex, we have been together 4 years and he was really into sex to start with but for the past 2-3 years he just isnt interested. im 21 and he is 39 and i cannot live this way anymore we have tried counciling, i have talked to him on many many occasions with no avail, i am also thinking of an affair as leaving him is not an option financialy for either of us and he says he loves me and when i say i will leave him he breaks down crying like a baby and then i feel selfish, but i know that i cannot live without a sexual relationship.

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A female reader, Nevalearn Australia +, writes (27 August 2007):

The pain of finding out your partner is cheating on you is indescribable. You say your husband is a great friend and loves you to bits so why would you do it to him. You need to sit down and discuss things with him. If that is no help you need to leave him. I couldn't live in a sexless marriage either but don't become just another person committing adultery. Do the right thing.

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (27 August 2007):

penta agony auntIf you're not willing to work with him on and talk with him about his sexual issues -- even to the point of reminding him that you have sexual needs -- then you have a real problem. I think rather than putting the effort/time into cheating on him, you should be seeing a sex therapist with him and helping him. "For better or worse..." right?

No one deserves to be married to someone who doesn't find them the least bit attractive. If you can't treat him better, then he's better off without you. Cut him loose.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007):

If you only had sex once in 12 months, wasn't that a'red flag' that he had a sexual dysfunction before you married him, 5 months ago? Hun, I feel for you..really I do. It sounds like you and your husband should've just remained 'friends' and never got married. Us Aunts would be irresponsible to tell you to take a lover. You can't have an outside lover and a husband, at the same time, hun--that's pretty crappy and shallow. I have a feeling you did honor the integrity and value of this man as your husband, but it's difficult because now, you find yourself in a sexless marriage. No matter what a great friendship you have with your husband, sexual bonding is very important to you-it is to most marriages-and I think it is a main intimacy component to a strong marriage relationship. The only way a sexless marriage will work, if 'both' spouses consent, to it being this way. If one person (you husband) decides that they won't have sex, than the other person (you) is then filled with resentment/frustration, as a result..that's not fair.. So quite frankly, I feel if your husband has been unfair to you by doing very little or nothing to help his low libido or tried to satisfy you in other ways to build the initmacy. No marriage can work in this way. Just an added comment, there could be all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here. Libido is also greatly impacted by testosterone levels, stress, depression, meds/drugs..the list is endless. Many of the physical causes are treatable. Has he ever consulted with a doctor? I do have a feeling though, you have emotionally detached from this marriage, in helping him seek answers for his problem.

But as for an outside lover, no, please don't do that. Not while you are married. Because your whole purpose of doing this would be to find another person for self-involved reasons-simply to attain a sense of your own self-worth through being sexually desired. And it's not fair to do that to anyone. That is your husband's job who is not keeping you happy. So what do you do? Do the honest, uncomfortable thing and be straight with your husband. Talk to him with sensitivity. You have to tell him that you no longer 'love' him as a wife should for her husband and tell him a separation might be a good thing, for now. The risk is-you lose a great, great friend..one who loves you dearly. But a legal separation might help to give you time to really, really think and give you the 'space' to re-evaluate just what you want. It's a tough choice. But why stay if you feel this way about him. That's doing him a big injustice, as well. I am sorry I don't have better words to help you..be strong and do the right thing for both of you. Be honest, compassionate and just tell him. Good luck, dear

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007):

Have you even talked to him about it? Did you tell him you want to find a lover? What was his reaction? Does he want to have sex, and it's you who's unwilling because he repulses you? Why does he repulse you, just because his penis is small, or is it just him in general that turns you off? Yes, and how small is small? Have you never seen him naked before you got married? If so and it bothers you that much, why did you marry him? Give us an update (fallowup) on these questions. It will help clarify your post, and we can give better answers.

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A male reader, somewhat_anonymous United States +, writes (26 August 2007):

Yeah, if everything else is perfect, and you are worrying about a piece of him that, even if above average size, would only amount to a few inches, I think you're the one with a bigger problem.

Let him know you also have sexual needs. If he isn't willing to use or is having trouble with his equipment, then he can do other things and should. Let him know that it is making you feel neglected physically and it makes you feel like he isn't interested in you.

If he is nervous due to his inexperience, let him know he's got someone to experiment with.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (26 August 2007):

Danielepew agony auntMy suspicion is that his problems with erections are new. I suspect this because I suppose you had sex before you married, and I assume that, had there been a problem in this department, maybe you wouldn't have married.

That said, he can't do anything about his small penis. Maybe he can do something about his dysfunction; but, if he should find he can't, then a decision must be made as to the relationship. Sexual satisfaction is an important part of any relationship. I fully understand your concern.

But, I don't think that a lover would be right. First of all, it's cheating. Eventually he would find about it and he would surely get very hurt. This wouldn't do any good to your relationship.

Second, if he can't give you the fulfilling relationship you need from him, the right thing to do is, to step aside. From a certain point of view, this is similar to that very common situation where you're with an ardent lover who doesn't care about you as a person. If you've found yourself a friend like no other, keep him so.

Also, perhaps he should be more open about his problem. How is he handling it?

Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007):

i think you're being very selfish here. if you find it that much of a problem then tell him and get a divorce of something. dont hurt him behind his back. having affairs just because ur mans penis isnt big enough is just evil!

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A male reader, jm81690 Canada +, writes (26 August 2007):

jm81690 agony auntYou're willing to have an affair with your husband because his penis is too small? C'mon, that's just harsh.

Now if he won't make an effort to please you at all than you need to tell him that, it's not right for him to be selfish. And even if he can't get it up, mentally just pleasing you should be a turn on for him.

But as far as him being small downstairs, the guy can't help it, you should cut him some slack, he probably doesn't feel so hot having bad ED as it is, the guy will be crushed if you get that repulsed by him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007):

You love him yet your thinking about having an affair, how selfish and uncaring.

I'm 17 and would never dream of cheating on my boyfriend and he is the same although he doesn't have a small penis even if he did I wouldn't cheat on him and still try to enjoy myself whilst having sex. Why not buy a dildo or something and ask him to experiment with you, you should think of other things to do not just take the easy way out.

If he repulses you so much you should just be friends with him not go and cheat on him. May I ask how small is 'small'?

I know it's hard for you but cheating isn't the answer and you need to talk to him about the sex problem.

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