A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, im married 6 months but hadnt lived together beforehand. My main problem is my husband drinks a lot whilst i really dont like drink but would take a glass of wine the odd time. I knew he liked a beer. Now that i live with him i find myself uneasy as to how many drinks he going to have, whether he going to get drunk etc. I find myself saying i think you've had enough after his 4th can or how many are you having tonight and it annoys him. He drinks about 2 pints every day and at least once a week has a binge of drink. Does he have a drink problem? He goes out to his mates house for drinks and this is happening every weekend, i thought when we married it might not happen as often. Like last night he said he was only calling for an hour and would be home but then drunk too much and i ended up having to collect him and i have work the next day. Second problem is he is a night owl so sits up at night having a few beers but i cant seem to sleep, again i think its an uneasiness and not able to relax to sleep. He is determined he wont change his old ways for anyone. Biggest problem is the drink issue - he cant socialise without drink - can anyone advise me how im going to get through our marriage cos im really quite unhappy. Im finding myself avoiding social situations together and not enjoying married life due to stress. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): He needs help and he cannot get that help from you.The alcoholic has to "hit bottom" on their own. You can help him reach his "bottom" by NOT enabling him.Spouses are the best enablers for addicts. Here are some things you can do to NOT enable him and, perhaps help him realize NOW is the time for him to make some life changing choices:1) Tell him, flat out, that his drinking bothers you.You have a right to not enjoy being around a drunk person.2) Tell him that you will not socialize with him where drinking is involved. period.You have a right not to feel anxiety every time you are with your family and friends and they want to drink normally. Let him know, that when he's been clean and sober at least 6 months, he can join you in events involving social drinking.3) Do not buy alcohol for him, ever. If he insists on getting "more", he can call a cab or beg a friend. You have a right not to be his butler.4) Do not be his Designated Driver, ever. He can call a cab or beg a friend. You have a right not to be his chauffeur.5) Do not make excuses for his behavior to anyone: including family and coworkers.--Don't tell people "He has a stomach virus, migraine", whatever excuse he has for not being able to participate in early morning events.6) Do not call him in sick for work, ever. Make him be responsible for his own actions.7) Do not change YOUR life to cater to his drinking, hangovers, etc.--if you have plans and he gets drunk ... leave him at home and do your thing as planned.I'm hoping he's not to the point of all these scenarios yet, but I have a feeling he's close...Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 August 2011):
 I think he has a drinking problem. But it isn't about how much he drinks or how often. The drinking becomes a problem when it negatively affects your life. In this case it does. It worries you, it makes the relationship go sour because he is doing it excessively. His drinking has become a problem, if not for him personally, then for you and for the marriage.
Addiction is not about how much you drink or how often either. If you are addicted to alcohol you feel the need and urge for alcohol. It is quite easy to get addicted to it, same as with smoking. He is addicted when he feels he "needs" to have his alcohol, and can not feel at peace without it.
What worries me is his defensiveness. When he decided to marry you he made a few promises to you. Remind him of these. Life is no longer only about him, and he is not free to do whatever he pleases while he's married and have to respect his marriage. This means he should not do things that are egoistic. When he married he should have anticipated this, that he can no longer be selfish, yet here he is insisting that he wont "change" for anyone, and continue to be selfish.
Have you had a proper discussion about your marriage, what the vows mean, why you married, what you expect out of the marriage, and how you want to deal with conflicts? What do both of you want out of the marriage and how do you want it to work and be like? You must each play your part to make it work... being selfish is not possible when you want to make any relationship work.
His excessive drinking worries you, and it worries you that he needs alcohol to socialize. It creates a distance between you, and he gets defensive if you try to talk about it. There are signs of addiction, and you are worried for him. His drinking creates a problem in your marriage.
Unfortunately all you can do is talk to him. Be firm though. There are only three ways this can go: you either divorce, or you talk and manage to solve the conflict through communication, or you live with it and accept that your husband has a drinking problem.
I've seen several marriages and long term relationships where one partner is alcoholic. They are not harmful, but they drink every day, and can not socialize without alcohol, and are defensive, arguing how little they actually need the alcohol, they only drink to enjoy etc etc. Defending the alcohol in some ways. If you leave them alone they don't drag you into it, but have theirs drinks alone and enjoy themselves. However, of course, it is a problem to everyone else... it's just not a problem to THEM, which is why they refuse to listen or understand. It can be a financial problem, as an addiction costs money. It can be a reliability problem (yours already is, you need to drive and pick him up, you can't trust him at social gatherings, you don't know if he'll get too drunk or not or if he can control how many units he drinks etc.).
In the couples I've seen where one partner has a drinking problem, the problem is over-looked and worked around. It isn't ideal, but it's what is needed to survive as a couple. There will be a constant resentment in the relationship, a constant strain, but what can you do? The only other solution is divorce, unless he is willing to listen to you and RESPECT you and your needs in this marriage.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (21 August 2011):
 I have lived this life long enough to know..you are either living with a soon to be alcoholic, or he's already one. Sad but true. And if he doesn't want to get help, there's nothing you can do. I totally understand what you are going through, wondering when they will stop, when is enough enough? How are they going to get home? In my ex husband's case, I also had to worry about him falling down, breaking an arm, a leg..ect...I can't tell you how many nights were spent in the emergency room. Anger, dispair, fear will soon take over your life, trust me. You grow to hate them, and what they do to your life. Help him if you can, try to get him to seek help for his drinking, and if he won't...save yourself years of heartbreak and walk away. Living with an alcoholic is pure hell. I lived it for 10 years. Don't think you can help them unless they want it. I wish you all the best sweetie.
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